Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me

I received my first “dick pic” at the tender age of fifteen. This was not something I had previously asked for or consented to. I remember staring for a couple seconds before fully processing what had been sent to me, and my immediate reaction, to say the least, was not positive. When I confronted the culprit the next day, he seemed genuinely surprised. “I thought you’d want to see it,” was his response. Really? Because all I’d asked for was the math homework I’d missed, and math is about the least sexy thing I can think of.

That was my first, though unfortunately not my last, experience with an unsolicited photograph of the male nether region.

When I’m sent a picture of that nature, you are telling me three things. One; you do not care that you’re possibly going to upset me. Showing me you already have so little regard for my feelings is not a good start. Two; this is all you have to offer. If you think sending a crude image is a better representation of who you are as a person than an interesting conversation, I’m already bored. Three; you’ll do anything for attention. Chances are – whether disgusted, appreciative, or indifferent – you got a reaction. Congratulations, you’re revoltingly immature.

But wait, do me a favor. When you’re talking to a girl you find appealing in public next, just pull it out. Pull it out and wave it right in her face. Make sure she gets a good eyeful. But why? you ask me. That’s a horrible idea. Well, buddy, you’re right. But this is basically what you’re doing every time you send out a random picture of your genitals.

The sad thing is, this has been ingrained in me over the years as something men do. They send unsolicited pictures and it’s just something I have to deal with. And I did deal with it for a long while in a multitude of different ways. Then, I just started asking why. Most of these guys stopped responding after that, and maybe it was because for the first time, they were asking themselves that question as well. I have grown to believe that at the root of this aggressive male behavior is insecurity. They want compliments and reassurances showered upon the main physical thing that marks their manhood.

I have no compliments for you. I have no reassurances either, save for the fact that I’ll most likely confirm that you do indeed have a penis. I hate to break it to you guys, but most women are not going to think there’s anything special about it unless they’re attracted to the person attached to it.

So the next time Becky from Tinder is talking about her favorite television show and you think about sending a picture of your penis in response, here’s my advice to you, friend.

Do not.