I have no idea why this cheery blonde woman just handed me her weird hairless creature and casually asked, "You don't mind holding him for a second, do ya?" Let me correct the assumption that because I am a woman, I want to sweep every tiny human I see into my arms and make stupid faces at it. I honestly do not. I have no desire to abandon the Webster Dictionary and enter the world of "Who's an oogily googily cutie cupey cake?" I know I have long hair and wear dresses, but that doesn't make me forget the barf accompanying every baby. Being a woman doesn't help me get over the fear of accidentally squishing every baby someone drops into my arms at church or at a wedding. My high heels are not marking me as someone who wants to cuddle that tiny sticky being you are so very eager to gloat about. I get that you birthed him or got her shipped from Asia or whatever. Your little darling is really special to you and that is so totally okay, but to me, your baby is just a bald guy who can not speak properly. To me, your baby pales in comparison to puppies, with their precious wet noses and sweet smelling puppy breath. No, really. I am a woman and I prefer dogs to babies. If I am required to choose an animal that crawls and can't talk, I am going to go with the one who won't grow up to scream "I hate you," and run out the door to her pimply faced boyfriend. I would choose a puppy, because it stays a puppy. Maybe that is just it. Unlike all the amazing mothers, fathers and nursery workers I know, I can't differentiate between that little bundle of pastels and the monster of a person that baby could turn out to be. Don't get me wrong. I am not a nihilistic recluse who thinks all humans are foul. It is just that given the choice between people and puppies, I am choosing the one with the tail and adorable floppy ears. I know I seem a little heartless and inhuman, but puppies have always been there for me. I can trust them and I love the way they accept me the way I am. Babies are different. Babies learn the word "no". I am really just not a fan of peek-a-boo. Also, before you think I am naive, I know puppies bite. I know puppies pee on the carpet and eat your plants and they don't understand personal space. But I still prefer puppies. I love the way I can count on a puppy to be waiting by the door when I get home and the way a puppy curls up to me at night and falls asleep, instead of keeping me up all night by crying. So, yeah, your baby is neat, but I still prefer my puppies.