The first time I was sent to the principal’s office was in the first grade. I was a bit boy crazy at the time and decided I wanted to get attention and admiration from the boys in my class at the time. The night before I had watched Britney Spears perform on Saturday Night Live. She performed her song “Boys,” which is about the attention of men. In her performance, she danced with a few different men that seemed to be attracted to her and showed her midriff.
I, being at the ripe age of 6, thought that the only way to gain attraction from the male gender was to show my midriff and dance around too. Sometime during the day, I decided to say, “Look, I’m Britney Spears,” and lift up my shirt, exposing myself to the whole first-grade class. My teacher grabbed me and pulled my shirt down before I could embarrass myself anymore and sent me to the principal’s office. Even though I got in trouble, I still looked for inspiration on how to be well-liked from the media.
I was never a very skinny girl. I have never been below a size 6 since the 7th grade and even in elementary school I was made fun of for not having a flat stomach. I looked at women like Shakira and Britney Spears for my role models because they were so prevalent in the media at the time. I saw their perfectly sculpted bodies and their beautiful faces. I wanted to be like them.
I decided that I was going to be happy with my body but was going to wear less clothing to get more attention. By this, I mean that I wore shorts to school instead of jeans or wore a tank instead of a t-shirt. This phase began when I was in third grade and continued for a year until a boy came up to me and told me my legs were “too big and hairy” for the shorts I was wearing. I didn’t wear shorts again for years.
I decided that if I was going to be well liked by my peers I was going to have to focus on something other than my physical appearance. I decided that I was going to try to be the funny one. I looked to women like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph for my examples on how to behave. These women were extremely funny and unapologetically fierce in their acting. They were the funniest part of Saturday Night Live to me. Tina Fey left the regular cast of the show to make her show 30 Rock in 2005, but Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler continued being on the show. These women taught me that being funny and confident wasn’t only acceptable in society, but it was a good thing.
Sixth grade was one of the hardest years for me. I was going to a new school where I didn’t know anyone; I was going through my first mini-existential crisis, and kids were meaner than ever. I decided to carry on being who I was: an unapologetic comical confident nerd. I was as comfortable with myself as a 12-year-old girl could be until I was bullied for being “bossy.” I always knew I was bossy, or as I like to call it “assertive” and I never thought of it as a bad thing. I thought of myself as being a leader and trying to get things done in the most efficient way. In the 6th grade, I started being friends with boys more than girls until the day that I told one of the boys what to do.
We were doing a community service project and the boys were taking longer than they should have so I told them to hurry up. That’s when I heard the words that have had the most impact on my identity than anything else I’ve ever heard.
“Don’t be such a bitch.”
I didn’t talk for the rest of the day.
I went from the girl that spoke her mind to the girl that didn’t speak. I didn’t spend time with anyone else other than myself. I didn’t have more than 3 friends. I continued watching SNL but more for my own enjoyment than for the women I looked up to. This was the year of the presidential election between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for the democratic nominee. Clinton was also being called a bitch, and I witnessed the media tear her apart for being tough. I questioned what kind of woman I wanted to be and what kind of woman I could be.
I spent my Saturday nights watching SNL with my parents so they could somehow try to sensor the live television. “Weekend Update” was my favorite part of the show. During this “Weekend Update,” Tina Fey returned for a guest appearance hosting the “Women’s News” segment that they sometimes did on “Weekend Update.” I watched as Tina Fey went down a list of non-serious news topics, but then she started talking about Hillary Clinton. She talked about why people didn’t like Hillary and why it made her mad. People didn’t like Hillary because she came off as a bitch. Tina Fey, one of my personal heroes, then called herself and Amy Poehler a bitch and said one of her most famous lines: “Bitches get stuff done.”
I have kept those words with me since the moment I heard them. I decided that it was okay to be a bitch because being a bitch means being a strong woman who won’t tolerate someone’s nonsense. Being a bitch means having a personal agenda and having goals. Being a bitch isn’t being mean or cruel to other people. Women are called “bitches” because women who won’t be pushed around intimidate men and so they try to push them back down by insulting them. I decided that I wasn’t going to let someone’s insignificant words define me. Those female comedians taught me that being a tough woman in a male-dominated world isn’t something to be ashamed of.
To this day, I embrace my strength and I owe it to the women in the media that I decided to look up to. I could’ve kept looking up to women who didn’t have much talent but gained their fame from having perfect bodies and perfect hair. Instead, I looked to those who were intelligent and thoughtful, but just as more successful and the “hot” ones. I learned that looks aren’t everything and that sometimes one can take an insult and make it into a compliment.
