To The Man Who Put Tabasco Sauce In A Condom, You Deserve Better

To The Man Who Put Tabasco Sauce In A Condom, You Deserve Better

Why one man shouldn't be at fault for protecting himself.
Cecilia Rolow
Cecilia Rolow Oct 9, 2017
448
views

Recently I was listening to Heather McDonald's "Juicy Scoop" podcast and she brought up "sperm stealing."

When those words came out of my speaker I laughed; of course, I've heard of people stealing sperm... who hasn't seen Gone Girl, You're the Worst or Jane the Virgin? Seriously. Now I am very behind in the podcast but I jump around to hear who I want because she has such a wide variety of guests. So this topic may be old to you, but new to me.

But in real life, it's something you never want to hear about. But what did one guy do to stop this piracy of seamen? Put Tabasco sauce in the condom before he threw it away. In this case, it was a random hookup, this was not a woman he was going to marry OR bare any children with. He had heard from a friend of these women who would do the deed, run to the bathroom and then get the used condom to try and get pregnant. The past victims to these women were wealthy men who were just in the city for the night, never expecting to leave with a baby on the way.

So, back to the story.

One night he meets a woman and they hit it off, they get intimate throughout the night, which eventually leads to them going "home" with each other (a close by hotel), and have consensual sex; after he goes to the bathroom to freshen up he realizes that he doesn't want to be that person who is trapped in a pregnancy so he does what any man would do. He looks in the bathroom closet, pushes the four pack of toilet paper over and grabs his favorite condiment... Tabasco... He puts a few drops in the condom and then throws it away.

After returning to the bedroom, the girl then gets up to also "freshen up" up in the bathroom.

Now I personally don't know what was going on in this mans head but maybe he was sitting there, with his readers, dim lamp, a nice book and a little grin. Or maybe he was thinking, "This girl wouldn't do that, it was just a precaution."

A few minutes pass and the man hears a loud scream from the bathroom. He runs in there to find her crying, holding her privates and if it were me, in the shower trying like hell to calm the burning. The man took her to the hospital probably hoping to never see her again, but he did... When her lawyers called him to inform him that he is being sued by the woman because her uterus was affected by the tabasco sauce... obviously. They are saying that because the sperm was thrown away, and in the trash that is was no longer his property and she was free to do what she wants with it.

I haven't been able to find out if the woman won the lawsuit or not so I'm going to say what I think should happen. THIS WOMAN SHOULD BE IN JAIL and the man shouldn't even have to worry about it.

Here's the breakdown:

This woman is young, attractive, and probably very smart. She went into with the mindset that she was going to impregnate herself, trap him, and make him pay child support because he had money.

This in itself should be illegal.

The man put tabasco sauce in his used condom and threw it away.

The keyword here being HIS. It came from his body, it, before and after, belongs to him; so why can't he do what he wants with it.

She tried to impregnate herself with the condom.

WELLLLLLLL this goes back to the illegal aspect. How is it legal to do this?! It's not like they were married and it was the only way they could have a baby, this man wore a condom to prevent STDs and pregnancy.

Now she's suing him.

HOW?! He didn't tell you to go in there and get the sperm.

The whole, "Condom doesn't belong to him after he throws it away," is a bunch of crap.

I'm sorry but when in those 10 minutes did the condom magically belong to her? Was there a ritual, a custody battle? Well, I guess not, because she didn't get pregnant. And thank God for that.

But what about the people who were successful and are now forcing these men to raise the kids? Why is it that they are all getting away with that but when a man goes to protect his guys, he ruined this girls chance at being a mother.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr
Cecilia Rolow
Cecilia Rolow Oct 9, 2017
At Lander University

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An Open Letter to the Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
Haley Britzky
Haley Britzky May 18, 2015
39966
views

I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for a someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was okay, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple weeks I pretended that everything would be okay, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh; don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

Onto the next.

Haley Britzky
Haley Britzky May 18, 2015
At Texas Tech University

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10 Totally Weird But Totally Relatable Dating Deal-Breakers That Make Me Want To Swipe Left

They may be odd, but they make some sort of sense.

Marisa Haselhuhn
Marisa Haselhuhn Nov 16, 2018
108
views

So . . . dating. The act of one person actively trying to find a mate. It's messy and awkward, but it can also be wonderful and lead to some snazzy wedding presents in the future.

Now, I'm no expert on the subject, but I like to think that, at 22-years-old, I know what I would like in a significant other. Even better than this, though, is knowing what I don't want. Process of elimination, you know, is a much easier way to go.

In making my list of "Don'ts," I realized that some of these, while strange, are pretty applicable when you think about it. Yeah, there are the obvious ones, like "doesn't like dogs" or "doesn't support my life goals" or "is a convicted serial killer," but I'm talking about the little things that you might not immediately think of but are irksome nevertheless.

1. They fold towels the wrong way

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A'ight, so I know it's a pretty "adult" point to start with, but there is a correct way to fold a towel. I know it, and if you don't know it, either ask me and never do it another way again or leave my presence forever.

It comes down to looking at the future. How are we supposed to have a home together if we don't share towel ideals? How will we raise the children?

2. They like kale

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Look, I'm all for being healthy, but I draw the line at kale. Kale is spinach's angry cousin who wasn't hugged enough as a child, and that's tons of emotional baggage that I don't want in my vegetables.

There's also a big difference with accepting kale and actually liking it. If you're like, "Yeah, I need some antioxidants in this smoothie, and it was on sale," feel free to hit me up. If you're making full-on salads with it, I'm afraid you cannot hit me up. Ever.

3. They won't duet "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

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Okay, so we don't have to be Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé level of duet. That's an ultra mega level of awesomeness that just has to stand alone.

However, I like to sing, and when I say, "like," I mean that 80 percent of my day is spent singing to some type of song. If you're not belting right along with me or at least giving me a standing ovation at the end of the song, then I'm going to have to ask you to leave the show, no refunds available.

4. They have no interaction with literature

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This might be a bit more personalized on my end, but I'm an English major. I legitimately want to teach the youth of America about the wonders of literature. It's one of my passions, and I'm definitely going to be talking about it quite often.

I get that reading isn't everyone's "thing." I'm not asking you to read the Odyssey, for Pete's sake. Choose something you're interested in. A medical journal, a comic book, an article about pants, whatever. Just prove to me that you're literate, and we'll get along swimmingly.

5. They hate board games

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Have you ever met a decent, good-hearted individual who has said, "I despise board games, they are the scum of the earth, and I rue the day they were invented," and meant it?

No. Because that person doesn't exist. Board games are pure and remind us of our childhoods.

Also, if iCarly taught me anything, I would never trust anyone who would use "rue" correctly anyway.

6. They criticize my driving skillz

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I'll admit that I drive like a crazy woman late for her parole meeting, I will. I have a tendency to swerve in and out of traffic and to speed more than my fair share.

However, just because my bad driving is an established fact doesn't mean that fact is up for commentary. Clench your jaw and grip your seatbelt like the rest of my passengers. I pinky promise we'll get to our destination quickly and with lots of adventure.

7. They don't laugh at dad jokes

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Dad jokes are funny, okay? They may be the "lowest form of humor," but I'm all about a stupid joke to get the giggles rolling.

If you can't laugh at a dad joke, either because it's legitimately funny or because it's legitimately the worst joke you've ever heard, what in the world can you laugh at?

8. They binge-watch The Home Shopping Network

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I'm a fan of watching TV. Whether it be a new, binge-worthy show or a movie I've seen seven billion times, it's a great bonding experience that I'm all for sharing with a significant other.

I absolutely draw the line at the Home Shopping Network. I cannot and will not binge-watch a slew of large gemstone rings and super-mega-ultra microwaves. I would watch a string of infomercials (go Flex Seal) before I would listen to Nora and Stacy tell me that I must have this wool sweater dress in navy blue and burnt umber.

9. They wear toe socks

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Picture this: You and your potential significant other have just returned to their place after dinner and are ready to relax. They walk in and kick off their shoes to reveal brightly colored toe socks.

Now, I'm not trying to dog someone's fashion choices, as I have some interesting quirks myself. But toe socks? TOE SOCKS!? I sincerely apologize, but I'd have to turn around and quickly exit before I started laughing in their face.

10. They don't support my late-night nugs runs

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As I may have mentioned once or twice, I'm a fan of McDonald's chicken nuggets. They're a supreme comfort food, and are good at any and all times of the day.

If you can't support my nugs runs, then I'm going to have to assume you don't approve of my self-care, and that's just not okay all around.

Which deal-breakers do you agree with?

Marisa Haselhuhn
Marisa Haselhuhn Nov 16, 2018
At University of Kansas

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