For those like me, afflicted with the illness of procrastination, the excuses to evade work are endless and it is impossible not to attempt to exhaust each and every one of them. While it is difficult to understand, our lifestyle is not a choice. There exists a genuine uncontrollable and powerful resistance within us that prevents our minds from thinking, our hands from typing, and our eyes from reading. It is impossible for us to bring ourselves to do work when there is a girth of other, less painful and boring "not work" to do, even when the situation becomes dire.
I am currently suffering from a particularly strong bout of the illness, so I have decided the only way to stop procrastinating is to write about procrastination. I will now take you on a journey through the mind of a victim like myself on a night when I choose not to do work.
8 p.m. Hmmm, I should make a to-do list to make sure I don't forget anything and I finish everything in an organized fashion.
8:30 p.m. All right, now that that's done, I'm going to just make myself comfortable with a snack before I start. Can't work on an empty stomach, you know.
9 p.m. Well, that was good, and now to work. Oh, but I should probably check my email before I do anything; I wouldn't want to miss anything important.
...and my social media.
...and every single advertisement and funny cat video that might reveal itself on my computer screen.
10:30 p.m. Wow, I haven't spoken to this old friend in a while. I should really give them a call.
...and this one, too. It's been years, really.
And grandma too, of course. I'm sure she misses me and wants to hear about my life.
11:15 p.m. Okay now that I've done my job in keeping in touch and updating my loved ones on my life and whatnot, it's time to get down to business. Man, my room is a mess. How could anyone work like this? I have to clean this place, now.
12 a.m. Phew! That was a lot of work. I should really go take a nice, long shower now. I have to be clean too, you know.
12:40 a.m. Ah, I'm so relaxed, feeling good and ready to go... oh, wait... crap, I'm hungry again. I should go make myself another snack.
1:10 a.m. Oh, I know! I'll just play some music while I work; that should make this whole work thing a little easier. What was that one song that was in that one movie about that one girl? Ugh, I have to figure it out this is going to kill me.
"I've got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine!" Never mind -- bad idea.
1:30 a.m. Wow, it's been a while since I've checked my email. Who knows what important emails I've received since then?
What's happened on the rest of the Internet since the last time I checked?
2:45 a.m. God, is that the time? How did it get so late? Wow, I really need to get some sleep; I guess I'll just have to try to get this done again tomorrow.
And then we sleep and repeat, sleep and repeat, sleep and repeat until we are in such a desperate situation that we have to develop superhuman powers to get through the work that has piled up for so long, and we pick and choose what is most urgent and disregard the rest for the time being (or possibly forever). It is still a wonder to me that this illness is not yet diagnosable -- at least then I could get a Dean's excuse.
Honestly, those who suffer from chronic procrastination should no longer be looked down upon. Sorry, but we really can't help it.
