I wanted to go to therapy when I used to hide my depression. I knew that it was going to help. When I told my mother about my depression three months ago, I told her I wanted to go to therapy. I was actually excited to go. Now, i'm scared.
A lot of my friends have been supportive about my depression and my struggles. But I can't talk to my mom about it anymore. I was afraid that she was going to think I was being stupid, and she does. She makes me feel so stupid for having these problems. I feel like something is wrong with me and I have no reason to have these problems. I should just get over these problems. My mom always tells me that people have it worse in the world. There are people with bigger problems. "Do you not think your pregnant friend or your gay friend have problems? Imagine what they go through." I know my friends have problems but why do I have to be in competition with them? Why do my feelings and thoughts get put behind theirs? Why do my feelings and problems look small compared to their problems? Am I not allowed to have any feelings or problems? "You always feel sorry for yourself." I don't want to be like this. If I could I would happily trade places with someone who isn't depressed. I want to wake up and have an amazing day without crying, without looking at myself in the mirror and not liking what I see, without being anxious, and without feeling judged. I would never choose this life. I would never want this life for anyone else. There is no off button. There is no switch. I have to deal with it. I don't like it. I hate it. I hate myself most days.
My mom is making me go to therapy now. I got so scared and nervous that the therapist would judge me, tell me to get out of their office because my problems don't compare to other people's, or that they would say that I was stupid. I put it off for as long as I could. My mom finally decided to make me go. My appointment is for next Tuesday. I told my mom I was scared to go but she didn't ask why, I just have to go. My appointment is with a man. I don't know how to feel about it. Will he think my relationship problems are stupid? Will he think i'm just being an emotional teenage girl? Will he not be able to relate or help me?
In a way, I want something to be wrong with me. I want to have a diagnosis. If I get diagnosed with something, then I will have a reason and an answer as to why I feel the way I do. I will have something to support me. Sometimes I think i'm crazy because of the feelings and thoughts that I have. What if these thoughts are nothing, what if it's all in my head, how am I supposed to stop them, why did I make this stuff up in my head? If I get diagnosed I will have an answer. I know I shouldn't wish to have depression or anxiety, but when I feel crazy and judged, it will be good to have an answer as to why I am who I am.
