Life sometimes is a struggle, no matter who you are or the path you are on, sometimes we all ride the struggle bus. While, I know that my ticket to the struggle bus is inevitable, I sometimes just wish I could ride the struggle bus on my own. When I came to college I never imagined that I would have so many wonderful and beautiful people in my life, but thankfully I do. However, because I am always around so many people, my deepest emotions somehow always come out. When I have a ticket for the struggle bus, in the end everyone knows, and sometimes I just wish no one knew.
Don't get me wrong, I am so lucky to have so many people who care about me, but I also recognize that I am a pretty private person, so sometimes when it feels like everything is falling apart, the only person I want to know is me. Everyone doesn't need to know I'm upset I didn't get a job, I didn't get a good grade, or that I didn't do something I was supposed to and now I am facing the repercussions. At the end of the day, I ride the struggle bus a lot. I just take things really hard, and that is completely okay, but when you are surrounded by people constantly, you start to feel a little ridiculous.
I constantly feel that every time I get on the struggle bus I lose a sense of my privacy. Everyone is seeing my ride, and some tend to just see the dramatics of the ride. Without the privacy I so desperately long for, I start to almost feel like a monkey on display. People worry about you, people constantly feel the need to fix you, and people think that every little thing will set you off. And sometimes all of those things are valid. Sometimes though?
I just need to wallow in my self-pity.
Whatever my reason is for riding on the struggle bus, big or small, sometimes to get through things I just need space. Sometimes I welcome a packed struggle bus full of care and love, but sometimes I just need to cry it out, well most of the time honestly. It isn't that I don't think you are worth hearing my struggles, or that I don't trust you, I just don't like my problems being on display. If I could keep nearly every struggle bus ride a secret I would, but at the end of the day, people love me, which is a concept I still get used too everyday.
To all of you who love me and watch out for me, this isn't a message saying to stop, just know that my struggle bus ride is already hard enough for me, and when everyone knows it becomes even harder. At the end of the day, in 10 years I won't remember most of these struggles, which is why I find no need to display them. My ticket to the struggle bus is mine and mine alone. Sometimes I will talk about it, and sometimes I won't. Just know that my privacy has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.
