So, if you haven't heard from your bestie yet who lives down the street or your elusive contacts on the web, the alt-right is about to have its second "Unite The Right" rally, this time in our fine nation's capital.
If the name Unite The Right sounds vaguely familiar to you, it's probably because you remember the headlines from last year's get-together at the University of Virginia, which involved vehicular manslaughter, assault and Tiki torch-bearing.
But according to the Unite The Right's official website, this August 12 from 2 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., this rally will find its new home in D.C. — specifically, Lafayette Square. Or as they like to highlight in their official website statement: "directly in front of the White House." How's that for dinner and a show for the Trump family?
But now, here are some tricks of the trade for anybody who may be finding themselves near or even in the general vicinity of the rally when it happens. Remember, pack light! You never know when you'll have to make a quick run for it.
1. Carry snacks and some water.
I especially recommend packing a Brita water bottle if you can get your little hands on one. The convenience of being able to transform regular tap water into filtered, clean water is absolutely unparalleled — plus, if at any time you happen to be an innocent passerby, just trying to get from Point A to Point B, and you accidentally get a little tear gas in your eye, you can always pour this safe drinking water on it to lessen the excruciating burning sensation!
As for snacks, I always find that Pringles work. They come in such a handy little portable container.
2. Bring noise-canceling headphones.
Hey, when the alt-right comes a-knockin' at our nation's capital, you can bet your sorry ass that there are going to be plenty of counter-protests too. It'll be a pissing contest for the history books, and it'll all come down to whose voice is the loudest.
So make sure you've got your handy headphones with you on the go. When one frothing-at-the-mouth alt-right member is screaming at another equally foaming snowflake, you'll just be cruising on by, listening to the sweet tunes of John Lennon.
3. Have a copy of the Constitution on you wherever you go.
In such an active and effective political climate, there will undoubtedly be a slew of heady conversations about gun laws and identity politics. Make sure you're always ready when somebody jumps in front of your face and tries to shove their political views down your throat in such a way you're only comfortable experiencing with a loved one.
Your travel-friendly, pocket-sized Constitution will be absolutely perfect for that. Anyway, you know they're right when they say that the words of James Madison truly never die. But they sure do get beaten to a bloody pulp sometimes.
4. Wear comfortable shoes.
Running is hard. Running away from monstrous stampedes of crowds and blaring police cruisers? Even harder.
Make sure that you're ready to break into a sprint at a whip's notice on the 12th, which means that stylistically, your outfit should be focused more on function, not fashion.
Anyway, Payless should be having a pretty good sale right about now, too, what with the back-to-school season upon us.
5. Load up on carbs the day before.
And in the vein of the whole running-away-quickly-to-save-your-hiney discussion, take a page out of the book from marathon runners. On August 11, just load yourself up with all the pasta and bread your stomach can hold. I want you to feel like you've consumed the equivalent of having locked yourself into a three-star Italian restaurant and eaten your way out.
That way, the next day you'll feel all revved up and ready to go to as you brave the mean streets of D.C. with nothing but your willpower (and a little idiocy to really get you into the feel of the crowd).
Because honestly, in massive crowds filled with raging people, doesn't it truly just feel like anything could happen?
6. And lastly, carry a can of Pepsi with you.
Let's be real. August 12 will be so bitterly controversial and divisive that everybody will need a nice, refreshing drink to cool off with. And if it worked for Kendall Jenner, who's to say it won't work for you?
Remember, everybody: Stay safe and stay hydrated!
