If you're like me, you know next to nothing about space. That's okay, because I'm here to educate you on what's up. The most crucial piece of knowledge everyone uses in their day to day life is the popularity level of Neptune's moons.

Without knowing how cool Thalassa is, how else would you make coffee, get ready, and drive to work? I recently learned there are 13 moons roaming around Neptune, and I'll enlighten you about their personalities, hobbies, accomplishments, and rankings.

1. Despina

Despina is the Queen Bee. She was discovered in 1989, and she is named after the daughter of Neptune himself. She's like, the princess of Neptune's moons. She's pretty, fun, and doesn't fuck with any other moons' orbits. She stays in her lane, and still manages to have fun.

2. Nereid

Nereid is the Gretchen Wieners to Despina's Regina George. She was discovered in 1949, and is one of Neptune's largest moons. Nereid's name means "sea nymph", which is strange because other moons of Neptune are named after SPECIFIC nereids. It would be like naming your first daughter "Daughter" and naming the rest of them, like, Jane and Shannon. Despite this, Nereid has a lot of clout. Her size and her fantastic personality place her at Despina's right hand.

3. Naiad

Naiad is the final member of the Moon Plastics. Like Karen Smith, she's not the most intelligent, but she's cute and rarely talks shit. She's super close with Nereid. Naiad was discovered in 1989, and her name means "fountain/stream nymph". She orbits, like, next to Despina, which gives her some serious solar system cred.

4. Thalassa

Thalassa is pretty popular, but she's not included in the elite Moon Plastics. She was discovered in 1989, and her namesake was the daughter of Aether (god of the air) and Hemera (goddess of the daytime). She actually orbits closer to Despina than Naiad, but her name has the word "ass" in it, which is too on the nose for Despina. Still, they're still friendly when they pass each other like, 3 times an Earth day.

5. Larissa

Larissa is Thalassa's BFF. They know everything about each other. She's as hot as Thalassa so there's no need for petty competitions. Larissa is named after a Greek nymph who allegedly had an affair with Despina's father, Neptune.. What a DILF, right? Needless to say, this makes things pretty weird between Larissa and Despina. They act like everything's cool, but it's not.

6. Laomedeia

Laomedeia was discovered in 2002 and true to the meaning of her name, she's a leader. She hustles. She's smart, invested, and obviously, super hot. Greek mythology claims she is a nereid (remember how weird it is that Laomedeia is named after a specific nereid when we already have a "Nereid"? Yeah that's definitely affecting her ranking) that is "lovely of shape and without blemish of form". The only reason why she's not a Plastic is because she doesn't have the connections... sorry, sweetie, that's life. The coolest thing she can claim is being the daughter of a river. Also she's never gotten along with Larissa. Larissa is really possessive of the letter "L".

7. Galatea

This moon was discovered in 1989. Galatea is another nereid, so let's just address that elephant in the solar system. Suffice it to say that Nereid does NOT get along with Laomedeia, Galatea, and the other nereid-named planets. Can you blame her? Aside from this friction, Galatea is really sweet and pretty. Well, the specific word used by Hesiod is "comely" so... we can assume she's popular with the boys. No one can really say anything bad about her, which is more than I can say about Sao.

8. Halimede

Halimede was discovered in 2002, and she has kept us entertained ever since. Not purposefully- she doesn't try to be the class clown, she's just always salty in a funny way. Sarcastic, witty, scathing. What's not to love? And also, literally, she's salty; she's the Nereid of "the brine". Halimede gets along with everyone but she usually hangs out with her squad, Laomedeia, Galatea, and Neso.

9. Neso

Neso does not give a fuck. She was discovered in 2002 and named after the Nereid of islands. That's right, while everyone else partakes in the drama, she sits back and relaxes with an ice-cold marg. People say she's an alcoholic, but they're just jealous. The only issue I have with her is that she maybe cares TOO little. Her orbit is so far away from Neptune it's, like, are you even trying?

10. Psamathe

One word: forgettable. I have a fantastic memory and spent one hour trying to remember her name. Sure, the ancient authors claimed she was "of charming figure" but like, by whose low-ass standards? She's the Nereid of sand... aka, gross. Do better, Psamathe. She was discovered in the year who gives a fuck.

11. Sao

This is where readers are going to get uncomfortable. If you can't handle it, then leave? No one's making you stay? Okay, for those of you that can handle it, here's the hot goss: Sao was a total homewrecker. She hooked up with Triton when she KNEW Despina was totally dating him! Exclusively! Enough said. Nereid and Naiad spent MONTHS supporting Despina through that awful period. Her namesake rescued sailors from rough waters, but really Sao should focus on rescuing herself from total backstabbery!

12. Proteus

First of all, this is a ladies' club. Why is he even here? No one invited him. You may have noticed the trend: FEMALE names only. But this guy swoops in and acts like no one will notice the total shift in the social dynamic. The Greek Proteus was a shape-shifting sea god, but THIS Proteus is just a hunk of rock with a personality much like a rock. Read: he's BORING.

13. Triton

Frankly, I wanted to leave Triton off the list because he's THAT awful. But it's my job to keep you informed, so here we go. He's a total fuckboy. Triton is the biggest moon orbiting Neptune, and he acts like that means he's the most important moon. He's super entitled because the Greek Triton was a really hot messenger/god of the sea, with HELLA divine connections. Triton dated Despina until she broke it off when she heard Sao hooked up with him WHILE THEY WERE TOGETHER. What's worse, he's a belligerent blackout and smashes into other moons. Or so we've heard... There are some suspicious asteroid fragments near his orbit. Where did those massive rocks come from? I'll leave it to you to decide.

If you take away anything, take away this: shit talk Sao, avoid Triton, ignore Proteus. Heed my warning and you'll socially thrive. Dismiss my words and girl, you won't survive.