Every year, millions of Americans spend BILLIONS of dollars on Halloween and the excitement of the fall festival. I mean, last year in 2014 according to a report published in the Atlantic, the U.S. was expected to spend 7.4 Billion dollars on all things necessary for Halloween. That includes costumes for our friggin' animals. And as great a way as this is for me to be able to flush my hard-earned money down the crapper, I think the after effects of Halloween hold a much stronger sway on the American psyche of post-Hallow's-Eve regrets...
1. HANGOVERS
Let's just get the worst one out of the way now. What else could be worse than the culminated hangover from the previous evening's Halloween activities that has boiled over from the cauldron of the stomach? Oh yeah; when that concoction from said stomach cauldron comes foaming up after getting home and being comprised of drinks named things like "Witch's Brew," "Poisoned Apples" and "Satan's Spit." You'll wake up feeling even worse than death itself and wishing for a "Hair of the Werewolf."
2. CANDY
Halloween candy is some of the best candy... and do you want to know why? IT'S BECAUSE THAT TOOTH-ROT IS FREE!!! For kids... It's free for kids. For the rest of us who have been deemed too tall and with voices too deep to trick-or-treat without scaring the neighbors, we must pay. And so we pay... building into that utterly absurd expenditure of 7.4 billion dollars. And if you're like me and you live in a college-owned Fraternity house, people don't usually bring their kids to you for trick-or-treating. Thus my dilemma of what to do with the left-over candy that I paid good money for...
Mom... Call the dentist. It's cavity season, baby!!! Oh look: I got a rock... again.
3. PUMPKINS
Alas, the time-honored tradition of carving a hallow's-eve pumpkin for the scaring of ghouls and goblins! Precious bonding moments with friends and family and painful and fruitless cleaning of a gourd that is going to sit on my front porch and rot for the next week. Not to mention the potential of a squirrel coming to eat my masterpiece or some drunk college kid getting kicks on Halloween night and smashing the infernal thing against my front door, producing a pumpkin murder scene that is guaranteed to remain unsolved for the rest of time. Actually, let me change that to ONLY a drunk college kid destroying it. Squirrels will at least wait until the first of November.
4. CANDY CORN
This statement may well produce a major fight among candy connoisseurs, but I kid you not when I say that Candy Corn is one of the worst confectionery creations ever consumed. They suck. A lot. They get stuck in your teeth and try to pull out your fillings and taste like gross and their only redeeming factor is that you can make a shape of corn from them... That's stupid. Here is my final word on the subject: Candy Corn is the Okra of Candy - Completely unnecessary and disgusting. *(No photo provided, due to the utter lack of necessity.)*
5. CHRISTMAS
Some sick Madman in his corporate office on Madison Avenue with his corner window office decided that it was a good idea to have Christmas music and sales start the day after Halloween. To you sir, you are defecating on the fabric of American society and no one likes you. I love Christmas. I do. Really. But could I ask to celebrate my birthday and Thanksgiving for once without already thinking about our crazy commercialized and consumer-focused Christmas, please? I know this is a plea to fall on deaf ears, but it must be made.
And there you have it. The five post-Halloween regrets that I experienced this morning upon rising from my coffined keep. Merry Christmas All from your favorite dead Kennedy and Cat/Bat Woman.
