It is with a heavy heart and a burdened spirit and a fragile mind that I write this. It is a topic that has been weighing down upon me, causing me great turmoil and fear.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and how it has affected so many, many lives. I try to aim my articles to both men and women alike; young and old. But for this post I am aiming it specifically at men, no matter the age.
Men who are old. Men who are young. Boys who have yet to become men. Brothers and husbands and fathers and uncles. This is my letter.
Dear Men,
Every little girl dreams of getting married. When I worked at a daycare, half the time spent there, my little girls are playing "marriage" or "house". Every one of them talks about being married to their husbands one day and having sweet babies and being mommies. While they aren't old enough to fully comprehend the responsibility of such things, it is still something they desire, from a very small age.
I was one of those little girls.
For years I have prayed for the man that God has set aside for me. I have prayed he comes quickly. I have prayed he seeks the Lord and loves little ones and loves me. I pray that he knows how to lead me. But as of late, I have begun to become discouraged by such things.
Days go by. Months. Years. And as I have gotten older I have been forced to recognize the utter ugliness of the world I dwell in. Pornography and sexual temptations haunt young men around every corner. When you're young you don't realize it, but then something happens and suddenly it seems so much closer and so much more real than it did before.
Porn used to be an ugly word, followed by shame and lust and sin. Nowadays, it is thrown around freely.
As if it is just a part of life. As if it is okay. As if we should just expect it to always be around. As if it is perfectly normal for every young man to have seen it and struggle with it. As if rape and mistreatment of both men and women is acceptable.
The average age for a male to view pornography is by the age of 9. Nine. 9. 9. As I stated previously, I have worked at a daycare; I am also a student teacher, who has spent the last three years in a kindergarten classroom. The kids I work with are as old as six. It both startles and scares me to think that by the time my young boys are 12, most, if not all of them, will have viewed pornography.
By the age of 16 many of them will struggle with porn addictions. 10 years and the little boys I once knew will be forever tainted. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces to think upon such things. Because they are so innocent and so sweet and one day they will have wives and girlfriends, who will never be able to compete with something this graphic.
I have seen women struggle over the fact that their boyfriends or guy friends or husbands struggle with porn or a sexual desire that cannot be quenched. I myself, a few years ago, was a victim of a young man who decided to choose porn and temptation and lust over me.
Perhaps you don't know it...perhaps nobody has ever told you what it feels like when someone chooses a computer or an iPhone screen over you, a person full of life, emotion and spirit.
I knew a young man who was addicted to porn by the age of 16; he started viewing it when he was 10. Josh Duggar recently admitted he was cheating on his wife and struggling with porn as well. I have known young men who have been raped by older men...simply because their attackers saw it on a screen and thought it could be interesting.
Strippers and pornography and graphic movies and unfortunate sexual interactions have forever changed the world. They have forever changed the world for so many young women who are put up to compete with things that are horrifically violent and devastating and painful and ultimately unreal.
And nowadays I wonder...is there even a young man who hasn't looked at porn? Because now I expect that every man, every young man and boy has viewed such things. The movie/book "50 Shades of Grey" is celebrated and now more and more women are told that they should be able to take on mental, physical, sexual and verbal abuse in order to maintain a man.
But where in the Bible does it say that men are supposed to abuse and hurt their wives and significant others? I have yet to find such a thing. In fact, I believe the Bible says otherwise. Colossians 3:19 says, "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her".
1 Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
I have looked. So far I don't see anything about God telling men to view pornography and hurt their loved ones.
When I was 19, before I met my husband, I wasn't so sure how I felt about getting married. I wasn't sure; I was fearful. Fearful of men. Fearful of what they could do to me - Christian or not, because I have found that even Christian men hurt women and each other in a sexual setting.
I was afraid because I had already been left behind for a girl on a computer screen once before - why would now be any different? And I know, like I know many other women have felt, like I could never compete with that. She is perfect. And photo shopped. And told how to act. She does whatever a directer tells her to do, even if it physically and mentally destroys her.
How could I ever hold a candlestick to a girl that's so flawless? She does things I am too afraid to do. And if I'm not willing to do it, a trip to the strip club or a peek in "50 Shades of Grey" will fix that right up. Or will it? I never thought I would have been so worried about getting married, but I was.
This letter is a plea. A plea to men. To the men who have wives - I have given you evidence to not view pornography. You have a wonderful wife that God gave you - why would you treat her in a such a way that would make her feel like trash? There is a big chance she gave you her everything...and now it is time your body is hers, and only hers.
To young men who have yet to have wives but perhaps have girlfriends or are struggling - please turn away from temptation. Pull a Joseph and flee! Flee from sin and run into the arms of God. You will save your future wife/girlfriend or victim you had lusted over so much grief if you choose not to act upon those temptations and desires.
To fathers - encourage your sons. Please, oh please fathers, encourage your sons. Encourage your sons to understand that porn is not reality, and it doesn't give anyone a right to hurt or harm another human being. Encourage your sons to save themselves.
Some of you fathers have daughters. How would you feel if you find out your little girl couldn't stand a chance against a glowing screen? How would you feel if your daughter felt forced to sexually exploit herself because the world tells her that is the only way she can keep him around?
William M. Struthers writes, "Pornography thus enslaves the viewer to an image, hijacking the biological response intended to bond a man to his wife and therefore inevitably loosening that bond." Bonds are broken. Relationships are torn to shreds or put under strain because of something the world tells us should be celebrated and accepted; because rape doesn't matter, and victims should be shamed.
1 John 4:8 says, "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." We are called to love one another, men and women alike. And when we choose to give into sexual temptation, we are choosing not to love.
Not to love wives. Not to love one another. Not to love girlfriends or someone's daughter or son who turn into victims.
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians: 13:4-7, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Men love your women. Love your wives. Your girlfriends. Your future wives. Your future girlfriends. Love those around you who have come out of the fire of sexual temptation and harm. Love them enough that it prevents you from allowing temptation and struggle to enter into your life.
This is a call to arms. A call to fathers and sons and uncles and husbands and boyfriends. A call to young men and boys and old men who have walked the earth for many years. A call to defend yourself, as well as defend others around you.
Signed,
The Girl Who Is No Longer a Victim
"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." - James 4:7
