Pokemon Go has taken over. And I realize that it's only been about a month, so I understand that a lot of people don't know what's up about certain Pokemon. I'm about to rectify that. Because I've been in this game for about 16 years. That's longer than the lifespan of high schoolers. Y'all need to be educated about these Pokemon. Get ready to hear the wisdom of a man who not only knows what's up, but also what's poppin'.
Pidgey: Maybe Pokemon Go has dulled the bodacious-ness of Pidgey, but I'm about to sharpen your mind. This beast of a bird uses its wings to create whirlwinds. Freaking whirlwinds! And when it gets strong enough, it can create hurricanes. Can your stupid pet bird create natural disasters on a whim? Didn't think so. Polly want a cracker? Polly want to shut up for a second because Pidgey is in the building.
Sandshrew: I can't believe I even have to explain Sandshrew to you plebians. Look at it, look at that yellow-bricked monster! And he can roll up into a ball and repel any attack. Wanna keep your child safe? Strap a Sandshrew to that kid before he leaves the house. No idiot is gonna try and mess with them. And it can create Earthquakes. Do you think you're safe? Do you think plate tectonics is going to save you? Nope. Sandshrew don't obey the Earth, the Earth obeys Sandshrew.
Pikachu: Look at this creature. Hundreds of Pokemon, and this cute mouse thingy is the king, the freaking franchise. Wanna know why? Because he don't let others get in his spotlight, and he does this using bolts of lightning. Don't mess with him, or you'll be hit with so much electricity, you'd think Thor and Zeus came together and decided to wipe you from existence. And how many animals could hold a lollipop like that in their mouth and look that aborable doing it? I tried to give my hamster a lollipop to compare. He's dead. You know why? Because he couldn't handle it, unlike this deity, this god that is pictured before you right now.
Blastoise: Can you even grasp what is in front of your eye sockets right now? Can your brain even compute the epic creature I am telling you about? That is a tortoise on two legs, and it has goddamn WATER CANNONS ON ITS BACK! And those cannons can cut through thick steel and concrete. Are you even comprehending the truisms that I'm throwing into your life at this second? And look at his physique, look at this... this man. Ladies, if your so-called "man" was even half of the man that Blastoise was, maybe your parents would actually be proud of you and your life choices. Leave your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend, and find yourself a Blastoise.
These are just FOUR of the creatures that you can currently get on Pokemon Go. I'm not gonna even go into the sheer awesomeness of Pokemon like Rapidash, and Gyarados, and Ditto. You can educate yourselves on those, if you're done being stupid.
