I struggle with a lot of things. But the biggest thing that I struggle with is talking. If you have met me I know that can be a difficult thing to believe or understand. But when I say talking I mean speaking about the things that matter, like how I am feeling or what's been going on in my head. I can talk to you about anything under the sun but I struggle with talking about my feelings or how things have been for me.
So an important way for me to use my voice is writing. Writing down how I feel has helped me in ways that I never thought possible. It's an escape and its a way for me to deal with how I feel instead of distracting myself from it. These poems were not all written recently, alot of them were written months ago and some of them were written recently.
the tragic summer of '19
you laid next to me every night, yet it felt as if you were a million miles away. I used to cling myself to your body every night and you thought it was cute. but in reality I was trying to figure out how to get closer to you. I felt so detached from you, from us, mentally that is. but that wasn't your fault. it wasn't even my fault. it was just time although re refused to acknowledge it. it was inevitable and we both knew it. just under the circumstances we endured this tragic summer, it felt as if the further forward we moved, my mind took a million steps back and remained in place. I thought, no hoped that we could do it. i thought this was our time, but we missed it. our hearts are in different places although our body's weren't. maybe the universe arranging our meeting was nothing but a tragedy waiting to happen. I think we were placed in each others lives to heal and prepare for the future. i am forever grateful to have you as my first love. I will tell our story forever. so..goodbye, you.
awoken
letting go does not just happen in a moment. like falling in love it happens slowly; like falling asleep at night and waking up only to not remember when you lost consciousness. it's one day having this lost feeling because you've been holding on for so long. it's stumbling through the dark for so long searching without even knowing what you're searching for. it's finding the light switch in the dark only you don't know what to do because you never thought you'd make it back into the light. letting go wasn't planned. it was as if I was sleep walking all this time and now I am finally a w a k e.
nothing more, nothing less
I didn't know what would come out of seeing you again. I did not know how you would react. would you say hi? would you just smile? would you hug me like you used to? i didn't even know if you would glance my way. but I do know that the moment our eyes met, my heart stopped, my eyes began to flood, and "uh" started to pour out of my mouth like word vomit. it's been months since we've spoke last. yet every time I see you, I lose my breath and the world around me ceases to exist. when you spoke to me as if nothing changed, my heart broke because for me everything had changed. i still don't know what to call what we had. we were more than friends, but nothing more than that.
scattered
my brain it like a star lit night. full of clouded thoughts, bright memories, on an endless loop. if you were to take my brain and try to count all my thoughts, you would get lost like I do when I try to count the stars at night. they all seem to blur together from start to finish but there is always that one that manages to make you stop and stare. it captures all your attention. so captivating that you forget all the ones you saw before. that's kinda what it's like for me when it's time to go to bed at night. i try to answer all of the questions/ thoughts that go through my mind at night to ease my own anxiety. they are usually silly and small, but there is always that one question that I spend so much time on that i usually write a few poems about. that one question. that one thought. is usually about you, but tonight it's about me. now my brain is scattered.
it's heartbreaking
it's heartbreaking to know that you were the one. five years ago if you were to ask me to put my soul on the line as bet that you were the one then i would have done it. but it's heart breaking to know that I was wrong. it's heartbreaking to know that at some point between when we first met and now our feelings have changed, but our memories remain the same. it is breaking my heart to know that this is goodbye, because I tried and nothing was the same. we tried and our hearts just aren't in the same place. it hurts when you smile at me because at one point it made my stomach erupt into butterflies and now i am begging for that feeling to come back. it's heartbreaking because as much as I am fighting to hold on, my heart is fighting just as hard to let go. change is heartbreaking isn't it.
silence speaks in a million ways
today before i left for school, I told you goodbye and by the way you looked at me when I said it, you knew there was a double meaning. but instead of saying anything you just squeezed me tighter. at first I was a little angry that you didn't say anything, but then I realized that by not saying anything you said a million things. by not saying anything you said" I understand". by not saying anything you said " i won't stand in your way". your hug said "i'm sorry" the kiss you placed on my forehead said "i love you". and although i pretended not to noticed, your eyes screamed "don't go". yet I got in my car and drove away because "no reason to stay, is a good reason to go" .
i remember
i remember the first time I said hello to you. I remember the first we laughed together. the first time we held hands. the first time we kissed. I remember the first time you told me you loved me. i remember our first fight. the first time i made you cry. the first time we cried together. our first date. the first time we called it quits. the first time i saw you after our break up. i remember all of our firsts, but what i don't remember is how we became so distant.
i won
telling me that you loved me was a joke and I was the punch line. fighting over who loved who more was a game and sadly you always kept me winning. but its six months later and I have finally won. her voice is no longer heard, because mt voice is the only talking. i used to be a slave to myself. every night I was wasting away, but finally I did the one thing I was afraid of. I isolated myself. I stopped allowing everyday to serve as a distraction, and started spending time on the things that I was afraid of. i stopped wallowing in my bed. started looking people in the eyes. I stopped freaking out when someone told me that I was beautiful. I finally won at my own game, but that doesn't mean that i've stopped playing.
