Anxiety places the fear within me
which keeps me from going to the doctor to be properly treated for it.
What if they think I just want pills?
What if they lock me in a padded cell against my will?
Anxiety keeps me awake even when I try to go to bed early.
I've tried taking sleep aids,
but then I remain wide eyed all night,
hoping that it isn't so strong that I won't wake up to my alarms in the morning
and will end up being late.
It's the last thing I ever want to be.
Aside from the daunting thought of everyone staring and judging,
knowing I'm running behind.
There's the awful clutch in my chest as I walk in,
the redness of my cheeks concealed by foundation,
and the heavy, offset breathing from speed walking through the door.
I solve problems I create out of thin air.
Because anxiety insisted that they were there.
Though it may make no sense,
Instead of tackling the task at hand,
I sit and I think,
"What if I fail?"
Because I've let myself down a million times,
but what's worse is failing others
or letting them see me fail.
Anxiety keeps me constantly alert and aware.
I know when others' expressions or tones change.
I can tell when they're annoyed with me...
or maybe it's just the anxiety.
Sometimes my words don't come out just right
or on time.
Anxiety takes hold of my tongue
and causes me to sputter awkward replies.
I pile my plate up with things to keep me busy,
then break down when I can't keep up.
I would rather do than think,
but anxiety has other plans at hand.
I retract from people
because who wants to be the black hole
sucking everyone they love into sadness?
My anxiety makes me the only one in a room full of people.
I am always alone.
I can't even walk into a room of close friends without thinking,
"I'm the odd one out, the one no one really wants here,
but they don't have the heart to tell me.
They all secretly hate me.
I see it in their eyes,
their expressions when I speak."
Anxiety keeps me apart.
I care too much,
but to hide it,
I seem as if I don't care at all.