I feel pretty when

the numbers on the scale drop.

I feel pretty when

I can fit into a size two dress.

I feel pretty when

I can feel the bones under my skin.

I feel pretty when

My stomach is filled with holes.

I feel pretty when

I can feel my stomach eating itself.

I feel pretty when

I lose all my strength to walk.

I feel pretty when

I’m depressed and exhausted.

Please tell I’m finally pretty,

Because I’m miserable inside.

As a teenage girl, I have had difficulty with my diet. In my early childhood, I barely ate anything, to the point where doctors were hesitate to operate on me when I contracted appendicitis, since I was very thin and small. In my middle school years, I began binge eating and didn’t realize it until my brothers started teasing by calling me “pig." During eighth grade, I entered a deep depression and stopped eating. I lost a lot of weight by accident, which I was relieved about, however the lack of energy, caused by the decrease in my diet, worsened my depression.

Now, I’m in high school, and it’s triggering a stress eating disorder. I am a few pounds overweight, but I feel dangerously obese due to my mother’s “encouraging” words of: “No one will love you if you’re fat.”

Every time I look in the mirror, I can’t help but see how I have too much of a muffin top, how my arms are too grossly fat, and how disgustingly my thighs brush against one another.

Every time look in mirror, I feel ugly, and I only feel pretty when I skip a few meals or feel like I’m about throw up or pass out.

On the days I skip a few meals, I feel pretty.

On the days I eat, I feel like a glutinous pig.

I realized that my viewpoint isn’t healthy. I should love my body the way it is, but not to the point of destroying it with unhealthy decisions. I believe that finding the correct balance of self-love and healthy dieting is very hard, but it is possible. Now, I eat less, but not to the point of self starvation. I choose healthy options, like water over soda or a salad over fried chicken.

Although I strive to choose healthier alternatives in my meals, I refuse to hate myself for eating a small amount of candy occasionally, because the goal is not to be skinny but to be healthy. I strongly hope that this encourages people with distorted eating habits, like the ones I had, to realize that beauty and happiness doesn’t come from being skinny. It comes from being healthy, mentally and physically.

Click to read about warning signs of an eating disorder, how to eat healthy and accept and love yourself, as taught by "200 Pounds Beauty," a powerful Korean movie about inner beauty, plastic surgery and insecurities with weight. It has taught me that you should love yourself for who you are but also should not be ashamed to alter yourself to achieve happiness.

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