Unfortunately, PTSD is an all too common condition spread widely across the United States. Most attribute PTSD to war and gunfire, which is where the term started in the first place. It was initially referred to as "battle fatigue" until it was finally entered into the American Psychiatric Association in 1980. I have not lived through war and gunfire in the way that you would assume... but I have survived a war of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and more. PTSD is a rather difficult condition to describe because although it is classified as a mental illness, I do not believe it is an illness. It is no different than a scar on skin would be. In my opinion, PTSD is a series of scars left on the soul. You are not born with it, nor is it hereditary. It is a normal human reaction to surviving something traumatic. I would like to share with you my own personal struggle with PTSD in poetry form. Many believe that PTSD is an overdramatized condition and that those with it are simply "out of their mind." I would like for you to put yourself in my (as well as millions of others') shoes to, for a moment, feel the suffering and the rawness of this condition.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from PTSD, please reach out for help. You do not have to survive this battle alone.
Plum The Depths Of PTSD
You stand in front of your bathroom mirror clinging to an open bottle of pills
You can feel the anxiety taking over
Mascara trails down your cheeks as your hands start to shake
The blue in your eyes fades to grey
You can feel yourself slowly falling
Your body screams while your soul goes numb
You get a good grip on the porcelain sink as you struggle to breathe
You stare at your reflection as if you are looking into the eyes of a stranger
You have become every insecurity
The embodiment of a masterpiece crippled by trauma
The incarnation of the poetry you always tried to perfect
The epitome of a misunderstood soul
Your mind lingers in such a state where everything is intensified
You can hear every drop of water dripping from the sink
You can actually feel your body shutting down
Self medicating on the endorphins flooding your body in an effort to cope
You can feel your heartbeat pulsating through your entire being
You struggle to breathe as you collapse to the ground
Your life seems to have become a minefield
One explosion after another
The numbness is overwhelming
An accidental overdose of reality
Your body is incapable of movement
You lay lifeless on the bathroom floor
The numbness starts to wear off and the tears form uncontrollably
Your hands and legs start to shake
The steady heart rate that was comforting now starts to accelerate
You can feel it in your skull
Your chest feels as though it may cave in as you struggle to draw a breath through your shaking lips
You can hear the screaming in surround sound
You place your hand flat on the cold tile to keep you steady while you focus on your breathing
Ride it out
Ride it out until you feel the numb again
Your body gives into the weakness
The bloodshed between your logical mind and the trauma becomes intolerable
The hostility inside eats away at whatever sensibility had survived the last few hours
You wipe your tears and rest your face next to your hand to feel the cold
You try to speak but nothing comes out
Your words have all leaked together
Your mind is rapidly reliving pain and heartache
The images play over in your head like a black and white film
The memories seem to be crawling under your skin
Screaming and demanding your attention while the ghost of your former self collapses at your feet
You allow yourself to shut down
Everything goes numb again and you fall into a lethargic state
Your mind enters a place that seems to caress the wound you just endured
The adult psychotic version of Neverland
At least there it doesn’t hurt so much.
