Since my early teens I've been steadily involved in relationships. For some reason, I always felt the need to be in one, and that I wasn't whole if I wasn't. I was sixteen when I first fell in love with someone, and we went on to have a long term relationship of three years. At nineteen I met the man who would be my husband while I was in the end phase of the last boyfriend. Six years after we met we finally married. I don't know if marrying him ruined the relationship, but it sure felt like it. After seven years total with this man, one year of marriage did us in. C'est la vie, it didn't work out and and I'm living back on single street again.
With no time to spare I found another boyfriend, and he was wonderful and we spent a year together in bliss. He had a few quirks about him, but never failed to tell how madly in love he was with me. He always made me feel special. I feel that fate intervened somehow however, and suddenly aligned me perfectly to meet the man of my dreams. I gently ended the relationship I was in and fell head over heels for this one. We were so in love it was disgusting, but we loved it. Two sons and six years later sadly, we parted ways despite my ongoing feelings for him. He will always to me, be the one that got away.
It seemed like I barely blinked before meeting my next boyfriend, whom I married one year later. We had an immediate connection like never before, and I felt like anything in the world was possible because of him. We bought a house together and were ready to start a family. Inevitably, the honeymoon phase ended and we were just another married couple fighting over bills and children. We lasted almost ten years together before separating in a bitter feud.
Doing the math, I came to the realization that I have spent the past twenty-seven years in back-to-back relationships that did not work. Twenty-Seven!! I thought long and hard on what exactly the problem could be and came to the surprising realization that it may in fact .....be me. Not that I purposely got into relationships and sabotaged them, actually I was deeply affected by them all. I realized that in all that time though, from sixteen years old on, that I never once took the time to be alone. By myself, without a guy around to complete me. All of those years I spent trying to be happy in a relationship when I could have taken a break to just be myself. I was quite upset with myself looking back, and know that if I had the chance that I would do a lot of things differently.
I could probably go on and on about the what if's and I should've or could have's, but it won't bring time back for me. After all this time, I learned to be content with myself and focus on me for a change. Still regretfully, it did take me a long time. I leave you with the thought therefore, to give it a try. I know when you're young it seems like the end of the world to go through a break-up, and it really sucks. Instead of wondering what exactly it is about yourself that they didn't like- start thinking of the freedom and liberation that comes with being on your own. The last time I checked, the sea was still full and doesn't look like it's going to be empty any time soon. Maybe take the long way for a while before you go fishing again.
