If you live in Maine, you've probably seen an advertisement for the lobster roll at McDonalds. McDonald's claims that it's 100% real North Atlantic Lobster, which means it's from Canada. Panera Bread has a similar MO with their lobster roll, but I can't afford to drop $17.99 on a lobster roll from the Great White North. I was, however, curious and depraved enough to try the McDonald's version.

I could assume that none of the lobster meat was fresh and was definitely frozen. There's no way in hell even Panera Bread could pull that off, and I knew that because I used to work there.

I bought two of these things, one for me and one for my friend, Colin, who had a major hankering for a lobster roll. With two root beers, the total was 21.97. This was the most I had ever spent at McDonald's in my entire life, and I'd been there quite a bit.

We drove to a nearby parking lot to maximize the potential vomiting space. It was just the tiniest bit foggy in the land where lobster rolls go to die; setting an eerie mood for what I was about to taste. The empty, desolate Hannaford parking lot had a cold, industrial sadness to it, like many people had done what I was about to do, and it never went well.

Upon opening the box where the lobster roll was contained, I immediately saw a few discrepancies. First, there was an insane amount of lettuce on the sandwich. A good lobster roll, if it does contain lettuce, should be very light. The next big issue was that there was an entire claw and knuckle just sitting on the top, like some sort of garnish. I was immediately repulsed by this, as that kind of garnish is not something that is usually seen. Claw and knuckle meat exists in lobster rolls, but they need to be broken down at least a little.

Colin and I did a countdown and took our first bite. I didn't get very much lobster on my first bite, just mostly lettuce and bun (which, of course, was not toasted). On the second try, I learned the dirty realities of McDonald's and their New England spirit: they had none, and it was obvious. There was very little mayo and the lobster meat had a grainy feel to it, like refrigerated then reheated macaroni and cheese. For some reason, I still had hope that everything would be okay.

I took a couple more bites and decided that wasn't the case. Part of me wanted to get my money's worth, but I knew as well as anyone that deriving some sort of value out of this situation wasn't worth enduring this lobster-filled catastrophe any longer. I figured maybe a seagull would eat it, so I left it in the parking lot to die. Somebody had to eat it, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.

After leaving the area, Colin complained of a headache and an overwhelming fatigue. I was feeling this a little bit, too, and I decided it was time for the long trip home.

Back in Harpswell, a dense fog had rolled in. I could only see as far as my headlights went, but even that was shortened because of the fog. Crossing the Cribstone Bridge into Bailey Island was nightmarish, as the fog was the worst right there. It was truly a hell-ride.

I dropped Colin off at his house and he told me to be careful on the ride back. The lobster roll had made me very tired and weary. On the way back home, I hoped that a lobster roll from McDonald's would not be my last meal. I turned on the radio and Twilight Zone by Golden Earring was playing. I knew then that I had the strength to carry on through the dense fog and the phantom lobster pinching and flapping its tail in my stomach, desperately seeking revenge on the McDonald's corporation for such a silly idea.

Any self-respecting lobster would prefer to be in a home-cooked stew or boiled and eaten by barbecue attendees. Becoming a lobster roll from McDonald's was a fate worse than death. I was cursed by this Canadian crustacean and I had to find a way to apologize. I had bigger problems though, as the fatigue and the fog challenged my ride home.

Eventually, though, I made it home. I went immediately to bed. For a while, I wondered how this could be the second straight year that lobster rolls have been sold at McDonald's, and how they hadn't gone the way of the McSpaghetti or the Hula Burger. Previously, the sandwich I had eaten was called the McLobster, and was sold everywhere, but they couldn't really promise a quality seafood product at a fast food joint. This seemed to ring true now. The lobster roll is only currently available at locations in Eastern Canada and New England, where people actually know what a good lobster roll tastes like, and it can't be found at the Golden Arches.

The only thing I can say about the McDonald's lobster roll is this: it shouldn't have existed in the first place, so why bring it back? It's horrible. Stick to burgers, fries and the occasional McRib. That's what McDonald's is all about. Cold sandwiches need not apply. If you want seafood from McDonald's, get a Filet-O-Fish. You'll save yourself a difficult ride home.