Planning For The Future, But Not How You'd Think

There are certain events that everyone has planned at least once in their life. Birthdays, weddings, holidays, etc; each event meaningful and taking a substantial amount of time to plan and do. Some take days, weeks, sometimes even years to plan, such as a wedding. I was never one of those girls who completely planned out their wedding since day one. This doesn’t mean that I’m better than someone who has, I just really do not like the process of planning things. My mom would always have TLC wedding shows on, such as Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings, and although these elaborate, fancy weddings were a sight to see, what made me groan internally was all the drama that came with the planning. You constantly hear the words “This is the bride’s day” whenever you watch one of these shows and let me tell you, that is a flat out lie. First off, there is definitely another person involved in this ceremony, after all it takes two people to make a supposed everlasting bond. Second off, they are not accounting for the two families who definitely have an opinion on everything and who definitely feel entitled to share it. It takes more than one person to plan a wedding, because one has to actually do the planning and the other has to listen to all the opinions they’re getting from every relative they have. Planning a wedding is never about one certain person per se and it’s always a hassle to do. Of course there’s always birthdays that celebrate a person passing around the sun again, but those happen every year and once you get past a certain age you sort of stop having parties as often because you run out of ideas to plan. What I want is something that really celebrates a person, doesn’t really have room for people’s opinions on how it should be done, and isn’t really a chore for me.

Personally, I like the idea of planning my funeral.

Sure that sounds depressing and makes you think this article took a quick 180, because you usually only plan your funeral when you don't have much time left, but I feel that we’re viewing it all wrong. I view funerals as the last hurrah for my legacy so I want to make it special.

Think about it, a funeral is technically a celebration of a person’s life because of a one time event, so there’s nothing overdone and it actually puts a person in the best light. Also, if you have plans for your funeral in advance, no one’s going to go against a dead person’s last request out of fear of disrespect and being haunted by said person. Another upside is that you technically don’t have to do any of the actual planning, you just say what you want and people will do it for you, so no being put on hold for that location, no struggling over catering, and no wasting your time. Plus, even if your family goes against every wish you have, you’re not really there to care anymore anyway or you could just put a curse on whoever doesn’t respect your wishes and just haunt them until they die. Anyways, I have a general idea of what I want at said funeral.

The main aspect of my funeral is that it would be a viking one, and I mean that my entire remaining family builds a ship, puts my body in it, sets it off to sea, and then my eldest child shoots a flaming arrow at the boat effectively burning it and my body, leaving the debris to the sea, preferably Atlantic, but I’m not picky.

If this option is not available, I want to be cremated and then have my ashes launched into space, particularly towards the moon because I feel that it would be a nice location. If confetti could be involved in this that would be preferable.

But before this happens I want a wake, but it needs to be interesting. Yes, I do want the whole speeches that make me out that I was better than I actually was, but I would also like Morgan Freeman (I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman is immortal, if not a descendant of Morgan Freeman or a guy with a really deep voice will do) to read out my will.

I specifically want this will reading to be done in a very expansive and old mansion that looks haunted. My relatives could do what they want with my belongings, but the main thing I want to happen is at the end of my will, I want Morgan Freeman to read out that I have hidden a great and powerful treasure somewhere and to read out the cryptic clue that begins the hunt. At the end of all the clues is of course my copies of the Harry Potter series which is a treasure in and of itself, and it’ll really show who my true family is; if you don’t know that I would lead everyone on a wild goose chase then you don’t know me at all.

Also, I feel that a t-shirt cannon should be involved during this occasion, because free shirts are always a nice touch to any occasion.