LOS ANGELES, CA - Following a "totally unexpected" episode wherein their 4-year-old pitbull "Ms. Butterscotch" lunged at and attempted to bite a neighbor, local owner John Mackinstone insists the dog only grew aggressive because it could "smell fear," in a completely misguided and foolish attempt to alleviate said fear. He also tried to calm his neighbor down and bring her to his point of view by insisting she adopt a more "calm" posture.
"I told her to lay down with her neck exposed wearing a hat made of raw hamburger meat, to show Ms. Butterscotch how not afraid she was, but for some reason, she refused."
His neighbor, Erin Lee, tried to explain that she was afraid of dogs, especially pit bulls. Lee cited a variety of studies on dog bite statistics, which prompted Mackinstone to barrage her with a "very scientifically valid" flurry of photos of similar dogs of the same breed wearing funny hats and sleeping on couches. He insisted that Pitbulls are somehow immune to the centuries of selective breeding for behavior that has given us herding, hunting, and guard dogs, and blamed a "worldwide anti-pitbull conspiracy" for their tarnished image.
"I hear these arguments all the time, and I always say the same thing: don't blame the breed, blame the owner," stated Mackinstone. When asked what precautions as an owner he had taken to train and instill good behavior into Ms. Butterscotch, Mackinstone seemed confused. "Why would I train her? She's a sweet pupper, didn't you see the picture of her in a tutu?" said Mackinstone, reaching out to pet his dog, pulling his hand away before she could bite it. "She must be worked up by all the slandering of her good name."
Mackinstone, who has "little to no experience" breeding, training, or professionally handling dogs of any kind, insists his dog wouldn't harm a fly, "as long as the fly didn't look like a chihuahua, cat, or small child."
