Can our next president open a jar of pickles? How exactly does one open a jar of pickles? What sound does a jar of pickles make when opened?

These are the inescapable questions that face our nation, according to Alex Jones and thousands of internet trolls like him. While digging for the answers to these questions, Jones uncovered something unimaginable about Hillary Clinton: disingenuous jar opening. This monstrous, campaign-ending scandal could only be called by one name: Pickle-Gate.

“Hillary Clinton has sunk to a new low using Jimmy Kimmel's show to 'prove' that she's perfectly healthy,” reads the caption under Jones’s “Pickle-Gate” video. Jones hosts a radically conservative radio show called Info Wars.

If you’ve somehow managed to remain ignorant to one of the biggest political scandals since Nixon, allow me to catch you up.

Jimmy Kimmel invited Clinton to appear on his late night talk show. At the time, people were questioning the state of Clinton’s health. To put the rumors to rest, Kimmel challenged Clinton to open a jar of pickles, effectively proving her a strong and able candidate.

When the showed aired, talk of fowl play began circulating on the champion of truth we call the internet. Alex Jones got out in front of it and exposed Clinton and Kimmel for the fake, scandalous collaborators they are.

That isn’t the original video, but it captures the severity of the situation. Jones alleged that the jar was pre-opened, noting the lack of “pop”. Jones had a point. After all, Clinton’s jar-opening form was all wrong. Something wasn’t right, and it could go all the way to the top.

I’ll end my facetious rant here by telling you that Kimmel responded admirably, making light of the situation and setting the record straight.

The saddest part about Pickle-Gate isn’t that people are petty enough to care about it. The saddest part is Pickle-Gate isn’t even the most ridiculous accusation we’ve heard this political season.

Pickle-Gate is an ugly truth, a prime example of just how ludicrous this election cycle has become. It’s the icing on the campaign cake, if the cake’s main ingredients were personal attacks, inappropriate behavior, and national embarrassment.

Unfortunately, it seems too late to save ourselves from the political circus we’ve all watched unfold. I sincerely fear the day when elections like this one become the political norm - slanderous, spiteful, and deceptive. All we can do now is prepare to tame the circus when it comes back to town in 2020.

New York Times: Who is Alex Jones?

The Alex Jones Channel: Pickle-Gate Full Video