Valentine's Day is around the corner, and as usual, I'm single. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I lonely? Oh yes. Last year I had trouble healing from a breakup from a toxic relationship that I was sad and brokenhearted over V Day. This year, instead of being sad and wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to take the high road and be snarky and cynical and write an article about things we secretly wish on our exes. Happy Singles Discrimination Day!
1. I hope you get a painful paper cut as you make your new lover a card. I also hope you sting your cut with lemon juice. Sorry not sorry.
2. Every time you watch a cheesy Nicholas Sparks film with your girl, I hope you laugh at the sad parts out of a nervous habit. Bonus points if your girlfriend is deeply offended by this. The female lead died and you laughed? Shame on you.
3. Your credit card gets declined on the most romantic night of the year. It declines again, and again, and again.
4. The assorted chocolates you buy is mostly filled with coconut and nut flavored ones...and your girlfriend hates both of those flavors.
5. You're too tired for Valentine's Day sex and pass out during foreplay.
6. I hope the person paying for your Netflix account suddenly cancels it.
7. You drunkly confess how much you miss your ex in front of your girl. Valentine's Day and drinking doesn't always mix.
8. I wish you food poisoning and you puke your guts out. I hope she can't stand vomit.
9. You buy her flowers and she's allergic. How could you not know that? The nerve of you.
10. If you plan on surprising her with a puppy, I hope the puppy bites you and growls at you. She then thinks less of you, because puppies are better than boyfriends.
11. Your crazy ex calls you when your significant other is in the same room. *pulls up a chair and eats popcorn*
12. You and your lover get matching tattoos and later breakup. Oops.
13. You plan on singing a love song to her and you choke. How did the chorus go again?
14. The meal you cook catches on fire.
15. You have a bad hair day...forever.
16. You take her on a date involving heights (rock wall climbing, hot air balloon ride), and she's terrified of heights.
17. I hope somebody spoils the movie you two have been dying to see.
18. Your ex shows up and you foolishly take her back.
19. Her better-than-you ex shows up and she takes him back.
20. She decides after tonight that she just wants to be friends.