Petty Things To Wish On Your Ex This Valentine's Day
Start writing a post

Petty Things To Wish On Your Ex This Valentine's Day

Sorry, not sorry.

Petty Things To Wish On Your Ex This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and as usual, I'm single. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I lonely? Oh yes. Last year I had trouble healing from a breakup from a toxic relationship that I was sad and brokenhearted over V Day. This year, instead of being sad and wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to take the high road and be snarky and cynical and write an article about things we secretly wish on our exes. Happy Singles Discrimination Day!

1. I hope you get a painful paper cut as you make your new lover a card. I also hope you sting your cut with lemon juice. Sorry not sorry.

2. Every time you watch a cheesy Nicholas Sparks film with your girl, I hope you laugh at the sad parts out of a nervous habit. Bonus points if your girlfriend is deeply offended by this. The female lead died and you laughed? Shame on you.

3. Your credit card gets declined on the most romantic night of the year. It declines again, and again, and again.

4. The assorted chocolates you buy is mostly filled with coconut and nut flavored ones...and your girlfriend hates both of those flavors.

5. You're too tired for Valentine's Day sex and pass out during foreplay.

6. I hope the person paying for your Netflix account suddenly cancels it.

7. You drunkly confess how much you miss your ex in front of your girl. Valentine's Day and drinking doesn't always mix.

8. I wish you food poisoning and you puke your guts out. I hope she can't stand vomit.

9. You buy her flowers and she's allergic. How could you not know that? The nerve of you.

10. If you plan on surprising her with a puppy, I hope the puppy bites you and growls at you. She then thinks less of you, because puppies are better than boyfriends.

11. Your crazy ex calls you when your significant other is in the same room. *pulls up a chair and eats popcorn*

12. You and your lover get matching tattoos and later breakup. Oops.

13. You plan on singing a love song to her and you choke. How did the chorus go again?

14. The meal you cook catches on fire.

15. You have a bad hair day...forever.

16. You take her on a date involving heights (rock wall climbing, hot air balloon ride), and she's terrified of heights.

17. I hope somebody spoils the movie you two have been dying to see.

18. Your ex shows up and you foolishly take her back.

19. Her better-than-you ex shows up and she takes him back.

20. She decides after tonight that she just wants to be friends.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

A Beginner's Wine Appreciation Course

While I most certainly do not know everything, I feel like I know more than the average 21-year-old about vino, so I wrote this beginner's wine appreciate course to help YOU navigate the wine world and drink like a pro.

White wine being poured into a glass

Keep Reading...Show less
Types of ice cream

Who doesn't love ice cream? People from all over the world enjoy the frozen dessert, but different countries have their own twists on the classic treat.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

100 Reasons to Choose Happiness

Happy Moments to Brighten Your Day!

A man with a white beard and mustache wearing a hat

As any other person on this planet, it sometimes can be hard to find the good in things. However, as I have always tried my hardest to find happiness in any and every moment and just generally always try to find the best in every situation, I have realized that your own happiness is much more important than people often think. Finding the good in any situation can help you to find happiness in some of the simplest and unexpected places.

Keep Reading...Show less

Remember The True Meaning of Christmas

“Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?”

A painting of the virgin Mary, the baby Jesus, and the wise men

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year. Christmastime is a celebration, but have we forgotten what we are supposed to be celebrating? There is a reason the holiday is called Christmas. Not presentmas. Not Santamas. Not Swiftmas. Christmas.

boy standing in front of man wearing santa claus costume Photo by __ drz __ on Unsplash

What many people forget is that there is no Christmas without Christ. Not only is this a time to spend with your family and loved ones, it is a time to reflect on the blessings we have gotten from Jesus. After all, it is His birthday.

Keep Reading...Show less
Golden retriever sat on the sand with ocean in the background
Photo by Justin Aikin on Unsplash

Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore my dog. I am constantly talking about my love for her. I attribute many of my dog's amazing qualities to her breed. She is a purebred Golden Retriever, and because of this I am a self-proclaimed expert on why these are the best pets a family could have. Here are 11 reasons why Goldens are the undisputed best dog breed in the world.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments