Since we were smaller than the elves who made our toys, we’ve been taught to idolize St. Nicholas.
We’ve been read stories before bed about magical train rides to a fantasyland up north full of little people that make everything we’ve been asking for throughout the year. This wondrous dream destination has an endless supply of hot chocolate, candy canes, and all good things our parents only allow us in small portions.
We’ve watched movies starring our archenemy, the Heat Miser, who threatens all things frosty and frozen, eliminating any external signs that December 25th is approaching.
We’ve sung the same carols our parents used to sing at our age to proclaim our excitement for a strange man to shimmy down the chimney and leave us anonymous toys.
But, after isolating ourselves from our emotional attachments to the holiday, we realize that Jolly Old Saint Nicholas wouldn’t satisfy the necessary requirements to have the honor of being on the nice list.
He promotes an unhealthy lifestyle.
Although Christmas is supposed to be a time of thankfulness and appreciation, Santa Clause shows just the opposite. Despite the millions of homemade cookies and glasses of milk left out for his enjoyment, there is no reciprocation, no “thank you.” During his millions of home invasions, he steals from the general public with gluttonous intentions. Santa does not practice a balanced diet and takes no action to reinforce the importance of the food pyramid to today’s youth.
He is abusive towards animals.
As previously stated, Santa and the many toys accompanying him carry significant weight. His laziness is epitomized in his poor treatment of reindeer as he commands them to transport him thousands of miles around the world. To sustain them, they are only provided carrots and celery, a diet not sufficient to traveling such far distances. Though no photographs have been obtained yet, it is rumored that Santa disciplines his reindeer with a whip. No comments released yet from PETA.
He overworks his employees 365 days a year.
Because the North Pole is such a high-security establishment, there has been little to no government intervention regarding the treatment of the elves. However, it has been rumored that the elves are forced to work 365 days a year in order to produce enough toys. As their boss, Santa cannot continue to overwork his employees in order to meet the high demands of the children. In a recent presidential rally, Donald Trump was quoted, “I support the working contracts of the elves and think Santa is justified in his actions.” But we all know how controversial his opinions can be.
He breaks into people’s homes.
No neighborhood, no matter how safe, is free of Santa’s unlawful housebreaking. Celebrities like O.J. Simpson and Lindsey Lohan may have used the “get out of jail free” card, but we are fools to continue to let St. Nick continue without consequence.
He is very judgmental.
Who is Santa to assert who is naughty and who is nice? Clearly, the morals of Saint Nicholas do not align well with his expectations. We cannot allow a man with such skewed ethics to evaluate the behavior of kids around the world. By enforcing the “good list” vs. “bad list” dichotomy, we are communicating to kids that it is okay to group people as either entirely good or entirely bad.
He is not environmentally friendly.
Thousands of murdered trees, strands of energy-consuming lights, and plastic decorations deprioritize the importance of Earth’s most precious gifts. Just because Santa lives in a desolate location with little life doesn’t mean that the rest of the physical world should have to suffer.
He bribes children.
While yes, it is important to promote positive behavior amongst children, it is not beneficial for them to learn this behavior via bribery. These children are not dogs running on a treadmill with a steak just out of reach. It is excessively important that all kids are learning to be good people not so they can receive toys on Christmas morning, but to have a reputable character. Clearly something not of concern to Santa.
He is a stalker.
Though we merrily sing the lyrics “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake,” we very rarely acknowledge the weight of this knowledge. Young boys and girls cannot defend themselves against the power that Santa abuses. It is clear he already has a fascination for small people, hence the elves. However, he cannot utilize his magic simply to satisfy his disgusting personal preferences. Also, it is important to remember that the song “Santa Clause Is Comin’ To Town” was written many years ago. With the advancement of technology on his side, who knows how else the big man is creeping on kids.
Often depicted with rosy cheeks and a big belly, Santa Clause cannot continue to be idolized as the role model we have come to associate with his character. Abusive of the naïveté of young children, this ignorance often translates into our impression of him as adults.
A hypocrite, criminal, and stalker, it’s time we realize that Saint Nicholas isn’t so much of a saint afterall, and it’s time for him to have his rightful place on the naughty list.
