I am not one to often be influenced by another person. I am very independent, my own thoughts, my own feelings. I have the control. Or so I thought.
You seemed to quite literally just fall into my world without hesitation. You made me feel feelings I never knew existed. I have the cliche "butterflies in my stomach," the "laughing so hard I now have a six pack" moments; all because of you.
You were never like anyone else in my mind. I could never place you and say "you act like *insert name*," you are your own person. You had your own folder. Although we clash on some things (okay a lot of things) I still find myself reflecting back on your views and opinions, genuinely taking them to heart. You're so important to me. I value every word that leaves your mouth, even when it's just "can I have extra guac?"
You see, we had a heart to heart the other day. You were questioning "what this is" or "what it was." My response, "This isn't a this; it can't be, I'm afraid."
I never truly liked the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, but quite frankly, it is me. I'm the issue. I am the wall. The impassable structure in the road. I am the inequality. The reaction is not in the state of equilibrium because I can't.
"But, you love me?" "I care for you, I won't leave."
I do love you. That's why I can't have you.
Every fiber of my being wants to be incredibly close to you without second thought. My heart has seemed to develop its own thought process when I'm around you; completely bypassing my brain and logic center. Somehow making me into this giddy little girl again without a care in the world. But you see, I am a work in progress. I'm a little lost and a lot unsure.
I have to "relearn" myself. I am very messy, but put together. But sometimes my facade would fade, and you would see a glimpse of my seemingly dark world.
You're honestly the only person who has ever seen me at my complete brokenness; one hundred and ten percent shatter. But you don't deserve the girl who needs a tune up. You deserve the world, and I, sir, am not that.
"You're being harsh. I love you for you."
But you won't. You'll leave.
I'm terrified. "Opening my heart." Letting you in completely. Woah. Then one day you just are gone. Leaving me alone to fight my own battles once again. You don't deserve that.
I am not saying this to hurt you or to make you feel bad because it's killing me. I don't want you to wait for me because I am not entirely sure I will ever be ready.
You see, I want so much more for you. I want you to find someone that can give you their everything. I want you to be their sun. You should be center stage all of the time. Someone should fall completely head over heels for you; and they will trust me.
I'll be okay.
So, this is goodbye. Goodbye to the person I love. I hope you find happiness in all that you do.