Trying To Design The Perfect Poly Relationship Is Hard

Trying To Design The Perfect Poly Relationship Is Difficult And Full Of Roadblocks, But It’ll be Worth It If I Can Find It

Situations I've run into on my polyamorous journey.

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Deciding to pursue multiple romantic relationships is a lot different than fantasizing about having multiple romantic relationships. It's not necessary to have multiple romantic relationships to identify as a bisexual female, but I was always concerned how I would fulfill both parts of my identity and desires through monogamy.

Many bisexual individuals can and have done it. They don't worry about if they're really bisexual, nor do they miss the romantic and/or sexual connection to other genders. The fact that I have always worried about these issues ever since I came out to myself makes me realize that perhaps I was never made out to be monogamous.

What's truly scary about actually taking the leap to pursue more than one relationship at a time is being stuck as a unicorn. A unicorn is a bisexual individual who wants to have sex with couples. They exist, but are rare and therefore almost impossible to find. Yet there are millions of couples that are relentlessly looking for one. They approach any bisexual individual in hopes that they will agree.

Within the polyamourous community, I've found that people value relationships that form organically. And though I see the wisdom in that approach, I also feel the need to not be at the mercy of those who pay me romantic/sexual attention — since those who pay me attention like that are couples and those already in relationships that are open or want someone on the side.

This still doesn't include the other general incapabilities I run into like age, location, and general interests.

So since I desire to consciously form multiple romantic relationships, instead of letting them form organically, I'm at a disadvantage to entering the relationships I want. There's no guidebook to help me through effective and ineffective processes. Every book on polyamory and every polyamory class, seminar, and conference all encourage organic relationships. Searching consciously for what one wants is equated to monogamy and unicorn hunting.

The biggest challenge I face with seeking multiple romantic relationships is that I still heavily identify with monogamy.

I still believe in finding one's true love. To be completed by someone's belief that I'm worthy of them. I still believe in marriage. I just also believe that for me those dreams exist two-fold. I believe there's a woman out there that is my true love. Once I find her, I'm marrying her. I also believe there's a man out there that is my true love. And when I find him, we'll get married. If I can find both of them, my love life will be complete.

The secondary obstacle I have is the notion of a poly family. A lot of polyamorous people that start off with two or three romantic partners eventually start adding members organically forming unique polycules.

Say for example that I get my husband and wife. Then she starts dating a few other people. Then my husband starts dating other people as well. Now our three has expanded to six or eight, or ten people — even though all of us are not involved. They're all still included because we're connected by shared partners. I can't do that.

I want him to myself and I want her to myself. So ideally I'd like to find a monogamous guy and a monogamous female for my polycule. It wouldn't be fair I suppose, but I can't help the way I feel.

I just wish I knew if I was monogamous or polyamorous or something else. Having a definitive label would maybe help me to find others who want or have found romantic relationship polycules like I want. Then we can trade stories and lift up the ones who haven't found it and give advice to those having trouble in theirs.

That's my dream anyway.

I keep a poly blog where I review poly articles, books on polyamory, poly conferences, and journals about my personal struggles. Find it here at beginning-poly.tumblr.com.

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10 Abnormally Normal Things About College

Some stuff just doesn't fly in the real world.
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College is a weird, weird place. For whatever reason, the young adults who are supposed to be cultivating their minds with all of the worldly knowledge available to them, seem to get away with quite a bit using the justification "it's college." Even the best students live abnormally while on the alien planet that is a university. So, while to us college students it may just seem like another day, here are ten things that are only normal in college.

1. Straight up theft.

In the future, if I walk into my forty-something-year-old neighbor's home and see a collection of stolen signs, stuff from the local restaurant, and property from the construction site down the road, I would definitely be concerned about the character of my neighbor. However, in college, people proudly display campus signs, traffic cones, or dining hall napkin dispensers that they have impressively commandeered - it's a cheap decoration and a great conversation starter.

2. All-nighters.

Maybe with the exception of parents of little babies, very few people willingly stay up for close to 24 hours on end. In the real world, if a friend came to you and said that they literally did not sleep the previous night, it's completely logical to be worried. On the other hand, when a friend in college says that he was up all night you laugh a little, give him an understanding pat on the back, and walk with him to the coffee line.

3. Atrocious eating habits.

Sometimes you don't have time to eat. Sometimes you order pizza at 2 in the morning. Sometimes you eat three dinners. Sometimes you diet. All I can say, is thank goodness that our metabolisms are decently high at this age.

4. Breaking and entering.

In high school, you hopefully knew everyone who entered your home. After college, hopefully, that's still the case. However, when you live in the middle of thousands of bored college students, people knock at your door, walk into parties, cut through your yard, and stop by without invitation or hesitation. It keeps life fun, but still not normal.

5. Calling mom when stuff goes down.

I really doubt a time will ever come that I don't need to call my mom for guidance on how to do something. But, hopefully the frequency of those calls with go down a little bit post-graduation. Maybe after four years of doing it on my own, I'll know how to fill out government forms, cook real dinners, and get stains out. But for now, I'm going to keep calling while I still can without seeming totally pathetic.

6. Being intoxicated at weird times.

Drunk at noon on a Friday is the quintessence of an alcoholic at any time - unless it's college. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, and it certainly doesn't apply to everyone, but there aren't many other places where people would instantly assume someone is intoxicated if they're acting even a little weird. I've even seen people drink in the library....

7. The messed up dating scene.



There are people who meet the love of their life at college and live happily ever after. They are people who meet the supposed love of their life at college and never talk to them again after Sunday. There are people who use Tinder. Hormones are high, freedom is bountiful, and football players are cute - what else needs to be said?

8. A warped sense of time.

The career I'm pursuing will require me to be at work by 7 am, five days a week. I am fully aware of this. Now, will I enroll in an 8 am next semester? Absolutely not - I'm not a demon. In college, nights often start at 10 p.m., dinners are eaten at 4, and mornings can begin anywhere from 8 to 2. We don't get that whole 9-5 idea.

9. Costumes... for no apparent reason.

High schoolers have a dress code. Adults have dignity. College students have fun. Here, people will wear a corn costume to get on ESPN, a fanny pack to get into a fraternity, or a tutu to match a theme party. Is it actually a weird thing, though? No one even blinks an eye.

10. Insanely close friends.

Name another point in your life when you live with your friends, study with your friends, drive with your friends, eat with your friends, go out with your friends, and even grocery shop with your friends. I'll wait. At college, it's easy for friends to seem like family because you're with them constantly. Love it or hate it, it's weird about college.

So, enjoy this weirdness while you can - it won't last forever!


ALSO SEE:

Uncensored Roommate Confessions!

Cover Image Credit: Matthew Kupfer

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12 Unhealthy College Habits That Never Should Have Become Normalized

No, you shouldn't have to pull an all-nighter to pass every exam.

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College is a weird time in our lives, but it doesn't have to be bad for our health. Here are some trends I've seen on social media and watched my friends practice that really never should have become a "thing" for college students in the first place.

1. The "freshman 15."

Everyone has heard of the dreaded "freshman 15," where college freshmen gain 15 pounds because of access to all-you-can-eat dining halls. Rather than eating healthier options at the dining halls or, you know, only eating until you're full and not stuffing yourself, we've just accepted our fate to gain what's really a large amount of weight. Not a very healthy mindset.

2. Eating only junk food because we're "too poor" to buy real food.

For off-campus students, the theme is ramen and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. This is really not how it needs to be. You can buy a bunch of romaine lettuce for around $1 at the grocery store I go to in my college town, and other produce like broccoli, potatoes, and apples are always cheap. Shop sales and keep your pantry stocked on staples like dry pasta, rice, beans, and other canned vegetables. It's not that expensive to eat decently.

3. Gorging on food at the dining hall just because you can.

This is what leads to the freshman 15. Just because you can eat whatever you want doesn't mean you should.

4. Procrastinating EVERYTHING.

I'm always ahead of my schoolwork, but all of the people in my classes push things right down to the wire. It creates unnecessary stress. Just get things done in advance so you don't have to worry.

5. Being generally unorganized and struggling to keep your life together. 

Actually using my planner is one of the best things I've done for myself in college so far. I don't know why it became popular for college students to be a hot mess all the time, but again, do what you can to avoid putting unnecessary stress on yourself.

6. Pulling all nighters, ever.

If you don't understand it by midnight, you won't understand it any better by five in the morning. You'll do so much better with less studying and more sleep than the other way around. Take the L and go to bed.

7. Waiting until the very last minute to start studying for your finals.

This is what typically leads to the aforementioned all-nighters. If you have an exam in two weeks, start studying NOW. Give yourself time to figure out what you need to focus on and get in contact with your professor or a tutor if necessary. Do yourself the favor.

8. Getting blackout drunk Friday and Saturday night...every weekend.

A lot of college students like to drink. That's fine, I get it, college is stressful and you just want to have a good time. But you don't have to go out every night of every weekend and drink so much you don't remember anything that didn't occur between Monday-Friday every week. Give yourself a break from drinking every so often.

9. Getting iced coffee before class and being late because of it.

I always make sure I get to campus early if I plan to get Starbucks, which I often do. It's rude to come in late, and it's detrimental to your education to consistently miss class. Your coffee can wait if you're running late. Plan better next time.

10.  Committing to 10 different extracurriculars because "it'll boost your resume if you have more on it!"

If you only participate in one club where you're the head of marketing and the treasurer, that will look SO much better than if you participated in five clubs but were just...there for all of them. Excel in one thing rather than being mediocre in many.

11.  Skipping class whenever you feel like it.

You can take the occasional mental health day, but if you're just being lazy, you're only hurting yourself. Go to class. You're paying a lot of money for it, after all.

12.  Spending every last penny you have to go somewhere for spring break (Daytona Beach, anyone?).

"Broke" college kids always end up taking the most extravagant spring break vacations. I'm sure it's fun and you'll cherish the memories, but wouldn't you cherish that $500 more if you saved it for things you actually need rather than living off of ramen for a month when you get home?

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