Trying To Design The Perfect Poly Relationship Is Difficult And Full Of Roadblocks, But It’ll be Worth It If I Can Find It

Trying To Design The Perfect Poly Relationship Is Difficult And Full Of Roadblocks, But It’ll be Worth It If I Can Find It

Situations I've run into on my polyamorous journey.


Deciding to pursue multiple romantic relationships is a lot different than fantasizing about having multiple romantic relationships. It's not necessary to have multiple romantic relationships to identify as a bisexual female, but I was always concerned how I would fulfill both parts of my identity and desires through monogamy.

Many bisexual individuals can and have done it. They don't worry about if they're really bisexual, nor do they miss the romantic and/or sexual connection to other genders. The fact that I have always worried about these issues ever since I came out to myself makes me realize that perhaps I was never made out to be monogamous.

What's truly scary about actually taking the leap to pursue more than one relationship at a time is being stuck as a unicorn. A unicorn is a bisexual individual who wants to have sex with couples. They exist, but are rare and therefore almost impossible to find. Yet there are millions of couples that are relentlessly looking for one. They approach any bisexual individual in hopes that they will agree.

Within the polyamourous community, I've found that people value relationships that form organically. And though I see the wisdom in that approach, I also feel the need to not be at the mercy of those who pay me romantic/sexual attention — since those who pay me attention like that are couples and those already in relationships that are open or want someone on the side.

This still doesn't include the other general incapabilities I run into like age, location, and general interests.

So since I desire to consciously form multiple romantic relationships, instead of letting them form organically, I'm at a disadvantage to entering the relationships I want. There's no guidebook to help me through effective and ineffective processes. Every book on polyamory and every polyamory class, seminar, and conference all encourage organic relationships. Searching consciously for what one wants is equated to monogamy and unicorn hunting.

The biggest challenge I face with seeking multiple romantic relationships is that I still heavily identify with monogamy.

I still believe in finding one's true love. To be completed by someone's belief that I'm worthy of them. I still believe in marriage. I just also believe that for me those dreams exist two-fold. I believe there's a woman out there that is my true love. Once I find her, I'm marrying her. I also believe there's a man out there that is my true love. And when I find him, we'll get married. If I can find both of them, my love life will be complete.

The secondary obstacle I have is the notion of a poly family. A lot of polyamorous people that start off with two or three romantic partners eventually start adding members organically forming unique polycules.

Say for example that I get my husband and wife. Then she starts dating a few other people. Then my husband starts dating other people as well. Now our three has expanded to six or eight, or ten people — even though all of us are not involved. They're all still included because we're connected by shared partners. I can't do that.

I want him to myself and I want her to myself. So ideally I'd like to find a monogamous guy and a monogamous female for my polycule. It wouldn't be fair I suppose, but I can't help the way I feel.

I just wish I knew if I was monogamous or polyamorous or something else. Having a definitive label would maybe help me to find others who want or have found romantic relationship polycules like I want. Then we can trade stories and lift up the ones who haven't found it and give advice to those having trouble in theirs.

That's my dream anyway.

I keep a poly blog where I review poly articles, books on polyamory, poly conferences, and journals about my personal struggles. Find it here at

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20 Fun Facts To Use When Introducing Yourself

As we embark on the semester, we are put on the spot in order to share interesting details about ourselves. This article discloses possible fun facts to tell others!

After experiencing my first week of classes, I have learned that every student needs a handy-dandy list of fun facts about themselves to tell other people. Many professors use the first couple of classes to learn about their students, so you may need to think about who you are and how you want to introduce yourself to your professor and classmates. We all have that one go-to interesting fact about ourselves, but sometimes you just have to mix it up!

1. My favorite hobby is...

What do you do in your free time? Personally, I love to stay active! I am a competitive Latin dancer and enjoy teaching and taking Zumba classes, going to the gym, and hiking.

2. I love...

Is there something, someone, or somewhere that you love? What makes your heart ache? What do you miss when it's gone? I can say that I love my friends because I feel my most confident when I'm surrounded by those who love and support me.

3. I look up to...

Is there someone you adore? Who mesmerizes you? Who do you wish to learn from? After watching "A Ballerina's Tale," I discovered Misty Copeland. In 2015 she became the first African American ballet dancer to become the Female Principal Dancer at American Ballet Theatre. Her passion, grace, and strength continuously motivate me to better myself as an athlete and an individual.

4. This art speaks to me because...

Coco Chanel said, "In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." This encourages me to always follow my heart no matter what. I will never follow society's standards and norms because they do not define me. Chanel's saying definitely influences my character and lifestyle.

5. A funny and/or embarrassing memory of me is...

When you make others laugh they want to spend time and make memories with you! Don't be afraid to embarrass yourself. You will come off as down to earth, easy-going, and loyal.

6. My siblings or lack thereof influenced me by...

I can go on and on about my brother, who is 10 years older than I. We have opposite personalities and despite the age gap, we're quite close.

7. My pet(s) are my life because...

Only sad people don't like hearing about furry creatures, even if your pets are slimy and slithering creatures all human beings enjoy hearing pet tales!

8. I'm afraid of...

Your personality can be revealed by your likes and dislikes, including the things that you fear. I am terrified of change and the unknown, hence, the future is an anxiety-inducing topic to discuss for me.

9. I am the way I am because...

What have you gone through in life that has shaped you into who you are today? Remember to be open minded and allow yourself to open up to your peers. You may be surprised by how others respond and/or what others have endured as well.

10. The most unusual item that can be found in your dorm...

This is a fun fact about yourself that can easily liven up an awkward conversation. Think about your quirks and differences! One item I have in my dorm is my teddy bear, Peter, whom I like to joke is my boyfriend.

11. My dream job is...

In college, "What's your major?" is a widespread question. Nonetheless, skip the boring statement of "I'm majoring in..." and go in depth on what your dream job is (hopefully your major factors in to this dream of yours).

12. My hidden talents are...

Angelina Jolie is a knife thrower. Kendall Jenner can produce bird noises. Amanda Seyfried can crochet and knit. Is there anything special you can do? Some people have rare and unique talents, maybe you can think of some hidden talents of your own!

13. My guilty pleasure is...

I will say it a million times: don't be shy when introducing yourself to new people! I'll start by divulging my guilty pleasure: Youtube's family vlogging channel, "OKBaby"!

Check them out:

14. Some activities on my bucket list are...

This is an easy way to grab people's attention and find others with similar desires as you. Be an adventurer! Go out of your comfort zone!

15. Talk about your best friend...

How would your best friend describe you? What do you love to do with your best friend?

16. Talk about an accomplishment of yours...

You are incredible and have achieved so much! Reveal something that you are proud of — show off a little!

17. This one time at my job...

Bosses breathing down your neck. Curious coworkers asking personal questions. Cursing customers who never leave you alone. Your job can be filled with tons of hilarious situations that can easily entertain a crowd.

18. During the summer...

Any scars with stories? Any summer flings? Any lessons learned from the tanning too long? Now that summer is over, disclose memories that can leave positive impressions on others.

19. I volunteer at...

Do you do any community service? Share a funny moment while you were volunteering. What did you learn while there? Would you continue?

20. [blank] is meaningful to me because...

What do you appreciate in life? What brightens your day? What makes you fall in love? What does someone have to do to make you smile?

Finally, remember to be outgoing! Reveal that three-mile smile and open your arms to learning about others. Spread smiles, love, and happiness.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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