Facebook. The social media platform that gives anyone with internet access a podium to voice their thoughts and opinions, no matter how well thought out they are. Facebook is the place where you can stay in touch with old friends AND post pictures of the dessert you had at Applebee's two nights ago in one fell swoop. Pretty awesome. If you're like me, you use Facebook to stay up to date on news, see what your friends are up to, and watch cool videos of John Cena. We are the normal people of Facebook. We don't post every second, we don't share unnecessary articles from the well-known credible website www.government_lies_xxx.com, and we most certainly do not tag other people in annoying posts. No dude, I don't want a free pair of Oakley sunglasses. But alas, we are the minority. Most Facebook users are, well, entertaining to say the least. You all know who they are, every time you see them pop up on your newsfeed you roll your eyes. So let's get right into it ...
Person who constantly share do-it-yourself cooking videos:
I don't really know what you're trying to do here. If I log onto Facebook one more time and see some dude making superman ice cream lasagna cookies I am going to throw my iPhone into the wall. Listen Bobby Flay, sharing one cool food video is fine. Go for it. But if you have 16 consecutive shares of somebody making pizza bagels, it's time to hang up the account and call it for good. Here's a better idea: make the food yourself and post it on Facebook. Oh wait...
Person who posts a picture of every meal they have:
I don't know if you're trying to make me jealous, but I really don't need to visualize your dietary schedule. If you really want me to see the awesome dinner you had, freakin' invite me. I promise you the $8 steak you had at Ponderosa isn't all that special.
The constant updater:
Maybe the most annoying person to roam the Facebook interwaves. I don't need to know what you're doing every second of every day. You know who does, though? Oh that's right, nobody. Hey cool you went to Target and got some cereal and then went to Art Van but they didn't have what you wanted so you had to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and blah blah blah. Enough. I hereby enforce a one post a day maximum rule on Facebook effectively immediately. Make it happen, Zuckerberg.
Constant profile picture updater person:
I'm friends with you. I know what you look like. I don't need to see you doing the same facial expression in 17 different locations every month. One profile picture, forever. Boom.
Sport genius:
One of the more infuriating people on Facebook if you enjoy sports and have even a little bit of knowledge about a certain sport. Basically, this person never shuts up about what their favorite team should do, their opinions on different players, or controversial sport topics. Basically this person is creating an online resume for ESPN. My favorite moment on Facebook is when two or more of these people come together and have a Facebook fight. DING DING! Just random and false facts getting tossed around like fishing lines. It's awesome. "No dude, Michael Jordan was better when he played for the Wizards."
The President's most trusted adviser:
In contention with constant updater for the most annoying on Facebook crown, this person is all politics. They never shut up about it. Their political party is the best and all other people are abominations to mankind. These are also the people who will say things like, "USA was in it's heyday when George Washington was in office." Listen dude, not only were you not alive when George Washington was alive, but I'm pretty sure George Washington had like wooden teeth or something. I think all people had wooden teeth until like the year 1972. So I can tell you USA was not at optimal conditions with GW in office.
The suspense master:
I'll give props to this person. They keep me guessing and wondering. You know these people. They post those short statuses like "feeling lost" or "feeling miserable." Also they say things like "Uh oh........." and just let dozens of people comment on their status saying "are you ok!?" or "what's wrong!?" They got all these people wanting to know what's going on and then they comment back 6 hours later "out of peanut butter had to run to store." Well played, Stephen King, well played.
While there are other Facebook users I'm leaving out of this list, these are the people you know and have come to build a strong relationship with. If you're asking, "Casey why don't you just delete these people?" to you I say ... I don't know. I like complaining. Now if you'll excuse me I am off to the mall. Follow me on Facebook for up to the minute updates on the stores I venture into and what I choose to buy.
