There is a stigma against being selfish. Selfish is an adjective in which, by definition, means lacking consideration for others. Sounds sort of harsh, I agree, but is it wrong to be selfish when you have always taken care of others before yourself? I think not (I was being rhetoric).

I am a caretaker; often times people call me “mom,” or tell me I am going to be a good mama. I can’t help it—I have come from the most loving family that consistently gives and gives and it has been instilled in me to constantly do good for others, and to be there for someone when they need me or even when they don’t need me. I am that person who will drive to your place at 2:00 AM, with no hesitation, to give you Saltines when you’re not feeling well (yes, I have done this before); I am that person who will stop whatever I am doing to take the crying phone call from the friend who has never really been nice to me, because their sadness becomes my sadness and I simply can't help but feel compelled to help them. I am also that person who will be food shopping and see something you mentioned earlier that you needed and buy it for you, just because. I am also that person who will tentatively listen to the drunken girl in the cab whose upset over something you absolutely cannot help with, while also being that girl who feeds the boy I don't know at the party a huge cup of agua when he is nearly passing out and his friends are either too drunk to notice or simply and sadly do not care (he didn’t remember this when I saw him the next day).

Hey, now, I am not asking for a medal or stating that I deserve a reward for helping others (I genuinely enjoy it), but what I am saying is that this caretaker trait of mine has often times made me forget about myself—my own personal health and wellbeing— to the point where I have gotten sick or have become an unintentional beyotch in some instances…and that’s no fun for me or anyone around me (I like being nice, ya’ know?) So, finally, I have put the mommy in me on hold and am taking care of myself—I’ve decided i'm going to be a little bit selfish.

In two days I will be heading to Prague, in the Czech Republic, for 4 months…completely alone. I won’t know anyone. I wont be influenced by any familiar opinions, won’t be stifled to go out and explore, won’t feel as moved to take care of people (since I will barely know them and can’t help much); I will be looking out for Lily—me— in a city I know very little about. In starting this fabulous journey of selfishness, I booked a trip to Switzerland for a weekend. I got out my credit card, put in my card info on the travel website, and paid for the whole damn thing with the money I worked very hard for. I don’t know anyone going; I don’t know who I will meet, where I will explore or what I will do, but I’ll be taking care of myself, eating yummy Swiss chocolate and cheese (in that order), and I literally won’t allow any bitterness or sappiness to get in the way of “Lily time.” I am sorry, I refuse (this is an apology in advance).

Is it wrong to say I need a break? Is it wrong to say that I am so excited to finally water the plant within me and nourish myself, rather than feeding someone the love I need? I don’t care how harsh the word selfish is by definition—it can come with a negative connotation, and can be considered a mean adjective, screw it! I still care about you, your feelings, your physical and mental health, your stories and experiences, but right now I am focusing on myself. So yes, I am going to be that negative word we all seem to not like very much, called: selfish, and I am unafraid to admit it. So hah!