Graduating high school and going into college almost 3 years ago was when I felt like I was at the top of my life. I felt like I was unbeatable. Life was going great, I had just experienced my fourth, and youngest, nephew, Maddox, being born. I am Uncle "Pat" who has been blessed with four nephews and one niece so far, who are all extremely healthy. The only trouble I had moving from home into college was leaving my nephews and niece - and of course, leaving my mom. I am the biggest "mommy's boy" that this world has to offer. It is ironic, however, that when I was playing varsity basketball against our cross-town rival in their gymnasium, their entire student body, along with some adults, were chanting "Daddy's Boy" at me when I was at the free throw line, but I knew that she knew that the chants were not accurate. Anyways, back to the move from high school to college... I was eager to begin my new life. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to go to school for, just like a majority of college students. All that I knew was that I was excited to be introduced to the college life and also launch myself into the party scene. College is a time that is mixed with a ton of confusion, late nights in the library, and late nights with your new friends trying to adapt to the same environment as you. Going into college, I was dating a girl from my high school and we were building our relationship up to almost the second year, until I am the one who ruined it. I went to college and completely shut her out because I was so focused on trying to connect with my new college friends in all of the ways possible. When that relationship was over, I had already begun with a new relationship - not giving myself some time to settle in, and that was my biggest mistake. Everyone needs time to themselves after a relationship is over in order to regroup and start over. But, I thought that was not for me. My freshman year was so fast-paced and I was making decisions with little thought processes. So, I started a new relationship with a girl who was in my friend group and it was going a lot better than I had ever expected. After a year though, it was starting to dissolve. I could tell that the feelings weren't there and it was extremely hard for me to end it because I knew she was special and it did not help that every family member of mine that she met loved her. This began to eat at me and eat at me and eat at me even more. I carried the relationship on an extra year trying to force everything. Every day I was questioning myself why I am doing this, but turns out, I really had no idea. Have you ever thought that something was so right but felt so wrong at the same time? Yeah, that is what my relationship was revolved around. We lasted through summer and in the early Fall of our junior year, she broke up with me. This is when my decisions started to go haywire. I hooked up with her best friend after we were all out with friends and I am not afraid to admit that it was out of spite as I was feeling vengeance. After that was over, I knew I had to take time away from any kind of girl and I tried my hardest not to think about my life and the way my mind was heading. It felt like I was going to plummet into someone who would never find love, and that is my biggest fear.
Laying in my bed every night, all I could think about were negative thoughts. For awhile there, I was waking up in the morning with no motive, and it felt as if my body was just a walking corpse and my mind and soul were just sitting in an empty room behind, rotting there. To make my state of mind even worse than it already was, I turned to alcohol. I was drinking as if there would be answers in the bottom of each beer. I found myself going out far more than I should have. I would beg my friends to come out with me, because when I went out, I thought I was searching for some kind of happiness and that wasn't the case. There was a time where I just wanted to quit school and go back home, but I knew my parents would not allow that. Parents sometimes don't always understand what is going through their children's minds and that is the truth. My soul was not as glowing as it once was before, I thought that my mind was never going to be the same again, and I thought that I was just going to have to wait another year to graduate just to start over. I am not saying I was depressed, even though at times, signs probably pointed to the direction that my mind was not going the right way. I just am not the type to just claim that I was depressed, because my loneliness was the result of my own actions. However, there was hope for me. When I would go home for holidays, being with family was my safe place. I don't really think they knew exactly what was going on with me, but me spending time with them, even allowing them to pick on me, I just felt like I was myself. The one moment where I knew I could bounce back up, was that my nephew Connor, who is also by far my best friend, came home with a painting of the world he had completed in his pre-school that day. He held that painting up to me and said "Patrick, I made this for you because you are my world." At that moment, the look in his eyes and seeing his smile was like all the times I have ever been loved multiplied by one million. It is insane how much that moment impacted my life. The relationship that I share with Connor is like none other. I would pick singing Toy Story's "You've Got A Friend In Me" with him than to do anything else in this world. Seeing a smile on his face, along with the rest of my nephews and my niece, brings a special kind of light into my world.
I went back to school to conclude my spring semester as if I had a new mind, a new heart, an entire new body. It was like I was breathing new air. I began studying for my finals (I had hardly put any effort into a lot of my school work before). I began praying every night, and I ended up boosting my self-esteem to eventually new heights. Since then, I had began taking my care of my body. I still go out for the occasional drinks with my best friends, but not nearly as often as I had done before. This time when I go out, I am not looking for anything because everything I currently need is already right there with me.
I promised myself the be the best role model as possible for my amazing nephews and my beautiful niece, so now whenever I make a decision, I think of them before I do it. Always know that you are not alone at any point in your, and at any moment the right moment will be presented. Whatever power you believe in, just know that it is making sure that you are comforted. You can never force love (trust me, I know). Everything that you ever do, make sure you have a purpose. Build yourself a strong foundation and do not be afraid to talk to anybody. Always make sure that you wake up with a positive mind. Remember, "Happiness can appear in the darkest of time, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
