My Toxic Friendship Taught Me A Lot More About Life Than You'd Think

Back when I first met you, I was open to new people. Back then, I didn't know all that I know now. I didn't really understand the depth of how strict your mother was. I really didn't know she didn't allow many people to be your friend. If I think about it, starting a friendship like that breeds some form of resentment. Maybe without you even knowing. Or maybe you did know. I am okay with that though and I hope you are too.

Once we got older the rules slackened and more people were allowed into your life. That was really good for you. You met new friends, met boys, and you had a life separate from me. We both had many friends and we had each other. It was the perfect high school dream until all my many friends disappeared. Then all I had was you. Until I didn't even have you for the most part. There were so many days when my smile was false. So many days where I didn't eat because my sadness was busy gnawing. My plastic smile screaming at you to look at it. You never did though, not once.

So when summer before sophomore year you didn't talk to me I fell deep into an abyss of my own making. Maybe I should have said that I needed you. That has never been me, not even now. I am still learning how to unmake that girl. I felt like no one, not even you, had the time to worry about me. So I pushed everything under the rug. That decision is on me. It was really toxic for my health and it led to a lot of bad things that you knew nothing about. That even to this day, you know nothing about. That year I told my parents about my depression.

I didn't really know how to digest that outcome. I needed my best friend. You weren't there. You were around, you just didn't see all that was happening under the surface. You were there to get angry on the days where I couldn't give you a ride because I was going to counseling for my mental health. You didn't know I was going to counseling. I never said anything about it but I needed you nonetheless. That summer I decided to get better, without you. The start of junior year I knew I needed people who would help me get better. I thank God I found them and that they are still my best friends.

You called me that year saying you needed me. And...I missed you. So the next day I drove you to school. We didn't talk about the summer or my health, and to be honest I don't really remember what we talked about. I drove you home and the next day we did it all over again. It was okay though, I had made new foundations. I was not sinking into the abyss anymore. I was rising. Those amazing people threw me down ropes and I was pulling myself out inch by inch. Until summer. You got angry at me. You called me some things. I probably did the same out of some childish need to retaliate. I caved though and apologized. You were a new feature in my friend group, yet, you were still not content. I tried to pacify you time and time again failing. We graduated as "friends." Until we weren't. Just like sophomore and Junior summer, silence. Until you wanted to hang out. Until you wanted me to take you places. Until you wanted to go to this party. Until you wanted this guy. It was always silent until you wanted.

When we first met I was open to new people. After you, people could use me and people left only to come and take more. It took a lot for me to make new friendships and ultimately say goodbye to you. The day before college was a time to say goodbye to my parents and get to know my new roommates not another day to pacify you.

Now, we haven't spoken since that day. Maybe it was just time that we faded into the memory of one and others lives. I truly don't believe you knew how much you hurt me over the years. I know you didn't understand where I was mentally. I also know I should have asked for help. I know that if I had said something we could have repaired our friendship. Then again you never saw how far I was falling, my confidant, the one I called my soul sister, never saw me.

I am writing this now since I can't keep holding onto any anger or sadness about you. I need to let go so that I can be more open. I need to get back to that little girl who saw the new girl in school and thought simply, just be her friend. I tried really hard to be your friend and I failed. I am so sorry about that. I am not sorry for how happy I have been since. I am not sorry that the friends I made outside of you taught me what real friendship looks like. If you should find this, I am a different person. I really hope that you have grown and found your people too, because, I have. You probably don't even think of me anymore and that's okay because it's time that I stopped too. It's time that I take this as a lesson and stop carrying you around. To anyone like me, you will find your people, your tribe. It hurts but less and less every day, until now, when you make your own closure.