My Toxic Friendship Taught Me A Lot More About Life Than You'd Think

My Toxic Friendship Taught Me A Lot More About Life Than You'd Think

To my old best friend on why we were toxic to one and other. For anyone out there in/was in a toxic friendship with someone.

108
views

Back when I first met you, I was open to new people. Back then, I didn't know all that I know now. I didn't really understand the depth of how strict your mother was. I really didn't know she didn't allow many people to be your friend. If I think about it, starting a friendship like that breeds some form of resentment. Maybe without you even knowing. Or maybe you did know. I am okay with that though and I hope you are too.

Once we got older the rules slackened and more people were allowed into your life. That was really good for you. You met new friends, met boys, and you had a life separate from me. We both had many friends and we had each other. It was the perfect high school dream until all my many friends disappeared. Then all I had was you. Until I didn't even have you for the most part. There were so many days when my smile was false. So many days where I didn't eat because my sadness was busy gnawing. My plastic smile screaming at you to look at it. You never did though, not once.

So when summer before sophomore year you didn't talk to me I fell deep into an abyss of my own making. Maybe I should have said that I needed you. That has never been me, not even now. I am still learning how to unmake that girl. I felt like no one, not even you, had the time to worry about me. So I pushed everything under the rug. That decision is on me. It was really toxic for my health and it led to a lot of bad things that you knew nothing about. That even to this day, you know nothing about. That year I told my parents about my depression.

I didn't really know how to digest that outcome. I needed my best friend. You weren't there. You were around, you just didn't see all that was happening under the surface. You were there to get angry on the days where I couldn't give you a ride because I was going to counseling for my mental health. You didn't know I was going to counseling. I never said anything about it but I needed you nonetheless. That summer I decided to get better, without you. The start of junior year I knew I needed people who would help me get better. I thank God I found them and that they are still my best friends.

You called me that year saying you needed me. And...I missed you. So the next day I drove you to school. We didn't talk about the summer or my health, and to be honest I don't really remember what we talked about. I drove you home and the next day we did it all over again. It was okay though, I had made new foundations. I was not sinking into the abyss anymore. I was rising. Those amazing people threw me down ropes and I was pulling myself out inch by inch. Until summer. You got angry at me. You called me some things. I probably did the same out of some childish need to retaliate. I caved though and apologized. You were a new feature in my friend group, yet, you were still not content. I tried to pacify you time and time again failing. We graduated as "friends." Until we weren't. Just like sophomore and Junior summer, silence. Until you wanted to hang out. Until you wanted me to take you places. Until you wanted to go to this party. Until you wanted this guy. It was always silent until you wanted.

When we first met I was open to new people. After you, people could use me and people left only to come and take more. It took a lot for me to make new friendships and ultimately say goodbye to you. The day before college was a time to say goodbye to my parents and get to know my new roommates not another day to pacify you.

Now, we haven't spoken since that day. Maybe it was just time that we faded into the memory of one and others lives. I truly don't believe you knew how much you hurt me over the years. I know you didn't understand where I was mentally. I also know I should have asked for help. I know that if I had said something we could have repaired our friendship. Then again you never saw how far I was falling, my confidant, the one I called my soul sister, never saw me.

I am writing this now since I can't keep holding onto any anger or sadness about you. I need to let go so that I can be more open. I need to get back to that little girl who saw the new girl in school and thought simply, just be her friend. I tried really hard to be your friend and I failed. I am so sorry about that. I am not sorry for how happy I have been since. I am not sorry that the friends I made outside of you taught me what real friendship looks like. If you should find this, I am a different person. I really hope that you have grown and found your people too, because, I have. You probably don't even think of me anymore and that's okay because it's time that I stopped too. It's time that I take this as a lesson and stop carrying you around. To anyone like me, you will find your people, your tribe. It hurts but less and less every day, until now, when you make your own closure.

Popular Right Now

An Open Letter To My Unexpected Best Friend

You came out of nowhere and changed my life for the better.
197301
views

“It’s so amazing when someone comes to your life and you expect nothing out of it but suddenly there right in front of you is everything you ever need.”

-Unknown

Dear Unexpected Best Friend,

You were the person I never thought I would speak to and now you are my very best friend. You came out of nowhere and changed my life for the better. I can’t thank you enough for everything you have done to shape me into the person I am today. You’ve taught me what it means to be selfless, caring, patient, and more importantly adventurous.

You don’t realize how much better my life has become and all because you came out of nowhere. I didn’t see you coming. I just saw you on occasion, and now I can’t see my life without you in it. It’s funny how life works itself out like that. Our unexpected friendship filled a hole in my life that I didn’t know existed.

I don’t even remember what life was like before you came along; it most likely had a lot less laughter and spontaneity than it does today. I can call you about anything and you would drop whatever you're doing to help me in any situation. You know when I need encouragement. You know when I am at my best and when I am at my worst. You always know exactly what to say.

SEE ALSO: 8 Tiny Lies Every Young Woman Has Told Their Best Friend

I couldn’t have found a better friend than you if I tried. We balance each other out in the best way possible. You are most definitely the ying to my yang, and I don’t care how cliché that sounds. Because of you, I’ve learned to stop caring what people think and to do my own thing regardless of any backlash I might receive. You are my very favorite part of what makes me who I am to this day.

It’s as if I wished up a best friend, and poof—you appeared right in front of me. I am so beyond blessed to have you and I wouldn’t trade the world for all our memories. Thanks for coming out of nowhere.

Love you forever and a day.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Medders

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

To The People I Could Never Live Without

You always did your very best to support me and loved me every step of the way.

83
views

Mom, over the years we have grown and developed our relationship beyond what we thought it would ever be. You know I have always been an independent soul, ready to go off on my own from a young age without a single care in the world. As you also know, I am very stubborn and want to do things my own way. Always have, probably always will.

I wanted to thank you for taking such care of me for as long as you did. Knowing you were on your own for the most part, well until Derrick came along. You always did your very best to support me and loved me every step of the way. I still remember you calling me pudding pop for as long as I can remember. I never knew where it came from, but I loved hearing it. Growing up and going through puberty caused a lot of fights for us. You were trying to teach me and make me understand the mistakes I was so hellbent on making for myself. I want you to know that I have always loved you and always will.

Derrick, I honestly can't remember a time when you weren't in my life. You have always been there to support me and cheer me on. You'd pull my baby teeth out when I was too scared to do it myself. You would trick me into thinking I was late for school on Saturday. You watch scary movies with me because I won't watch them alone. We have so many TV series that we've started and abandoned, waiting to be picked back up again.

I want to thank you for treating me like your own, even though I'm not related to you by blood. You have always made me feel loved and cherished and never made me feel out of place. I know I can count on you to be there for me when I need you to be, no matter what. We may not be blood, but you are and forever will be my family.

Dalton, do you know what the first memory I remember with you? Mom was picking me up from daycare after she had gone to the doctors to find out if you were a boy or a girl. I remember that mom and I guessed girl, but Derrick said you were going to be a boy. Mom and I were wrong, obviously, but I remember being happy that we found something else out about you. Even though I was complaining that Derrick was right, I was so excited that we were one step closer to meeting you.

You have been my partner in crime. You watch musicals with me and sing at the top of your lungs when I feel like having a concert in the kitchen. You get involved in everything that interests me as a way to stay close to me. I love you more than life itself. I will forever be there for you for help and advice so don't hesitate to call. If you ever find yourself doubting my affection for you, just remember the time when I almost fought that fake intruder in my towel, fully prepared to fight naked if someone broke in.

I love you all so very much!

Related Content

Facebook Comments