A Letter To My Toxic Friendship

My Toxic Friendship Taught Me A Lot More About Life Than You'd Think

To my old best friend on why we were toxic to one and other. For anyone out there in/was in a toxic friendship with someone.

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Back when I first met you, I was open to new people. Back then, I didn't know all that I know now. I didn't really understand the depth of how strict your mother was. I really didn't know she didn't allow many people to be your friend. If I think about it, starting a friendship like that breeds some form of resentment. Maybe without you even knowing. Or maybe you did know. I am okay with that though and I hope you are too.

Once we got older the rules slackened and more people were allowed into your life. That was really good for you. You met new friends, met boys, and you had a life separate from me. We both had many friends and we had each other. It was the perfect high school dream until all my many friends disappeared. Then all I had was you. Until I didn't even have you for the most part. There were so many days when my smile was false. So many days where I didn't eat because my sadness was busy gnawing. My plastic smile screaming at you to look at it. You never did though, not once.

So when summer before sophomore year you didn't talk to me I fell deep into an abyss of my own making. Maybe I should have said that I needed you. That has never been me, not even now. I am still learning how to unmake that girl. I felt like no one, not even you, had the time to worry about me. So I pushed everything under the rug. That decision is on me. It was really toxic for my health and it led to a lot of bad things that you knew nothing about. That even to this day, you know nothing about. That year I told my parents about my depression.

I didn't really know how to digest that outcome. I needed my best friend. You weren't there. You were around, you just didn't see all that was happening under the surface. You were there to get angry on the days where I couldn't give you a ride because I was going to counseling for my mental health. You didn't know I was going to counseling. I never said anything about it but I needed you nonetheless. That summer I decided to get better, without you. The start of junior year I knew I needed people who would help me get better. I thank God I found them and that they are still my best friends.

You called me that year saying you needed me. And...I missed you. So the next day I drove you to school. We didn't talk about the summer or my health, and to be honest I don't really remember what we talked about. I drove you home and the next day we did it all over again. It was okay though, I had made new foundations. I was not sinking into the abyss anymore. I was rising. Those amazing people threw me down ropes and I was pulling myself out inch by inch. Until summer. You got angry at me. You called me some things. I probably did the same out of some childish need to retaliate. I caved though and apologized. You were a new feature in my friend group, yet, you were still not content. I tried to pacify you time and time again failing. We graduated as "friends." Until we weren't. Just like sophomore and Junior summer, silence. Until you wanted to hang out. Until you wanted me to take you places. Until you wanted to go to this party. Until you wanted this guy. It was always silent until you wanted.

When we first met I was open to new people. After you, people could use me and people left only to come and take more. It took a lot for me to make new friendships and ultimately say goodbye to you. The day before college was a time to say goodbye to my parents and get to know my new roommates not another day to pacify you.

Now, we haven't spoken since that day. Maybe it was just time that we faded into the memory of one and others lives. I truly don't believe you knew how much you hurt me over the years. I know you didn't understand where I was mentally. I also know I should have asked for help. I know that if I had said something we could have repaired our friendship. Then again you never saw how far I was falling, my confidant, the one I called my soul sister, never saw me.

I am writing this now since I can't keep holding onto any anger or sadness about you. I need to let go so that I can be more open. I need to get back to that little girl who saw the new girl in school and thought simply, just be her friend. I tried really hard to be your friend and I failed. I am so sorry about that. I am not sorry for how happy I have been since. I am not sorry that the friends I made outside of you taught me what real friendship looks like. If you should find this, I am a different person. I really hope that you have grown and found your people too, because, I have. You probably don't even think of me anymore and that's okay because it's time that I stopped too. It's time that I take this as a lesson and stop carrying you around. To anyone like me, you will find your people, your tribe. It hurts but less and less every day, until now, when you make your own closure.

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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Being The Last Friend To Turn 21 Isn't ALL Bad

All your friends have turned 21, but that is okay

Cassidy
Cassidy
1108
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You may think being the last one out of your friend group to turn twenty-one is the worst thing in the world, but in all honesty, it doesn't have to be. One of the biggest perks is that everyone of your friends can go out to the bars with you on your birthday. All the people who turn twenty-one first have to wait for people to be able to go out with them, but you get to celebrate your birthday with all of your friends.

Another huge reason you should feel okay with being last to turn twenty-one is thinking about all the money you are saving. The bars are expensive. When you don't go to the bars you are saving so much money because an average bar drink is about seven dollars. This being said seven dollars multiple times a night, multiple nights a week really adds up, so you are going to have to budget your money better.

You don't have to be the one to buy alcohol for everyone else. Having a ton of people ask you to buy them alcohol must get annoying at a point, and if you're the youngest out of your friends, no one will be asking you to do liquor store runs for them because they can all go already for themselves.

The biggest reason is that you can enjoy being young. You should still continue to enjoy going to house parties and just being able to hang out with friends without having to go to the bars. Spend these months before you turn twenty-one just being able to enjoy life without feeling obligated to go out to the bars all the time. You have a great excuse when you don't want to drink on a weekday to just stay in. This being said it will be your turn to turn twenty-one soon.

Cassidy
Cassidy

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