Our abilities to use complex language to communicate with one another have developed to such an extent that we can subliminally jab at others for one reason or another when we so please. Passive-aggressive language has been (and always will be) at least part of the root of unpleasant conversations, leaving one party confused and undervalued. This style of communicating isn’t straightforward; no one is saying “I hate you,” or “you’re being rude” because quite frankly anger is socially unacceptable. But when we can’t be angry, where does that emotion go?

Feelings don’t just disappear. Our use of language and even behavior can morph into something hostile and sometimes that can be worse than a straightforward negative comment. Not very many people on this earth are mean just to be mean. Our words and behaviors are the aftermath of how others use words and behaviors, and sometimes, we feel the need to do unto others what they have done to us. The persons who resort to passive-aggressiveness demonstrate a need for power and revenge. It is a way to make someone’s life that much more difficult without frankly recognizing your underlying emotions and intentions. It is a way to manipulate another’s actions, thoughts, behaviors. In a way, it is almost a convenience because no direct words are spoken. Passive-aggressiveness is simply easier than assertiveness.

But no one is senseless. We pick up on passive-aggressive language and behavior. Even if we are unclear with the concept, we know when we feel good about ourselves and when we do not. Let me just say this to anyone who resorts to passive aggressiveness—you are not getting anything out of it! If your friend cannot comply with one of your requests, chances are, this friend truly cannot because of time or work constraints. Don’t tell said friend that whoever does comply will be rewarded in front of your friend’s face. Don’t make your friend feel bad for something he or she could not physically do for you, but probably wanted to.

I have been witness to this many a time, as I am sure many have as well. Passive-aggressiveness is a virus that eats away at relationships and the trust that holds them together. What kind of relationship exists without a sense of comfort? What kind of friendship exists with a constant fear of disapproval looming over one’s head? It is a selfish tactic. Maybe you don’t want to be malicious or hurt anyone else; maybe you just want someone to pick up the slack or do the work they are supposed to do.Just tell them!The other person might feel slightly harassed if you don’t. Even worse, they might not pick up on your passive-aggressiveness, fueling the fire that is your anger even more. While assertiveness is not always the easiest, in the long run, it is less damaging to interpersonal relationships.

Yes, passive-aggressive language and behavior are convenient, but that doesn’t make it better. It does not make anything better. Yet, it is so widespread. People of all ethnicities, genders, and socioeconomic statuses have the capacity to behave in this manner, but that doesn’t mean they should. Perhaps it is time for us to be more aware of our brilliance. We are capable of achieving anything we set our minds to and can definitely do so without hurting others. So, if we can, why don’t we?