A passionate person that suffers from anxiety and depression... How does that work?
It is... a positive person with negative thoughts.
A mentality that is made up of two completely opposing entities; one telling you that you are worth so much, that the world has so much to give to you and you owe so much to the world and the other telling you that things just never seem to get better, that who you are just doesn’t matter, good or bad, positive or negative, you have no control. However, no matter how many things go wrong for you, you will never let go of that strength inside of you, you will vow to never hurt a single soul, no matter how often yours has felt like it was being physically torn apart. It’s like waking up every morning under water. You feel like you’re drowning in your emotion but some unknown force inside of you keeps your head above water... Every. Single. Time.
Car rides with the radio are your best friend because those lyrics get you, like no person you’ve ever encountered can. Right? You’re a part of a generation that seems to stigmatize just about every human emotion. Only, you feel every single emotion all the way to your core. Being alone is just what you need one minute but becomes torturous the second the overwhelming amount of thoughts you can have in such a short amount of time becomes way too much to handle. You feel so different from everyone you’re surrounded by except for the people you’ve made yourself comfortable with, the people you are certain will ever be as close to understanding you as is possible…that is a small number. You never really let anyone know the real you so when you do it is a HUGE deal. It seems like no one ever really understands the degree of importance you hold to being close with a person; you find those people irreplaceable. You have enough passion inside of you alone to separate amongst 3 people, but most people can’t really understand why you care so much nor do they know how to handle that. The way you are can sometimes push those people away. You spend so much time wondering if anybody will ever appreciate all of the desire, love, and all of the hope you have for the world around you and if they could ever comprehend how you could also harbor so much fear and hopelessness all at the same time. It seems crazy, even to you.
It is... fear of judgment.
You have so much to say and so much to talk about, but it is also fear that doing that will push people away and you don’t want that. It means being a person that values, cherishes, and appreciates so many things about life in a society that consists of people that don’t preserve anything of sentimental value anymore. You are an outlier.
You will spend days when you haven’t done a single physical thing exhausted strictly due to your mental complexity. You may never understand how you can have such a free heart but be a prisoner to your own mind. Telling yourself quite often that you have to let go of your thoughts and “just let it be” yet uncontrollably analyzing every detail of every little aspect of your life. The fear of the unknown completely consumes you and letting go seems like a physical impossibility for you.
It is...wanting a constant distraction from your own mind.
This means having all of the passion to conquer the world in your heart but a dullness in your stomach that feels like an anchor, an anchor that holds you to the bed some days. It means wanting so much for yourself, wanting so much in life but barely having it in you to make yourself look presentable some days.
There is constant confusion between who you are and who you want so badly to be. It is… wanting so badly to be this incredibly successful, happy, unique individual but feeling like all you’ll ever really be is a product of your mental flaws. It is… wishing so badly that you could heal all of the bad around you but barely even being able to hold yourself together most of the time.
How does it work?
Somehow…
