Divorce is a tough thing. I'm not going to make any bones about it. At one time or another you're going to feel conflicted, worried, or simply scared because so much change is happening all at once. Maybe you didn't see it coming, or maybe you did and that's why you're so freaked out. Something you thought would never actually happen has actually come to a head. And nobody told you how exactly to go about this.
1. You are not alone.
There are between 42% and 45% of marriages that end in divorce in the society that we currently live in. That number can look pretty scary to someone who might be about to get married, or a young girl who is obsessed with the idea of love. But for a kid whose parents have been divorced for 12 years, it kind of relieves you. For all of you about to go through this—you've got so many people around you who know exactly how you feel.
2. There will be a ton of positives that come from this change.
Let's say you grew up like me (because I know that a lot of you have). I don't remember a time when my parents got along. I have no lucid memories of them laughing with one another or showing any form of affection at all, really. So, when they finally separated, I saw a huge change in each of them. My mom was way less stressed. And my dad was way less annoyed. They both seemed so much calmer and there was an air of relief that I was not at all accustomed to. This was really great because in the end, it meant more happiness from both of my parents.
3. The idea of two Christmases isn't all its cracked up to be.
This is my personal least favorite part about this whole gig. Just as I've finished opening my presents and getting to pass around different gadgets with my cousins, I'm whisked away to the next house. I don't have time to enjoy my cousins on either side or my parents for that matter. They're both too busy making sure that the other has us their right on time. Of course, we are loved on twice as much, and in the end I have to be thankful that I have two families to visit.
4. You're going to need two of a lot of things.
You're about to transition into a really weird game of musical houses. You need to spend an allotted amount of time with each parent which means that once you get settled in you're about to get packed right back up. And if you're like me, you can never remember to pack everything that you actually need. A good solution to this is to get two of all of the essentials. Things like toiletries, shampoos, face washes and undergarments are the things I find myself needing the most, but remembering the least. Walmart will be your best friend.
5. Some people are going to choose sides—but you DON'T have to.
It was super weird to hear one of my parents say that we wouldn't be hanging out with certain family friends as much anymore, but be going to dinner all together with the other parent the very next night. The harsh truth is that people are going to take sides. This, however, does NOT mean that you have to. Both of your parents love you. Neither of your parents blame you. Nobody wants you to sever your relationship with someone who is so vital to your life and mental health. You are not expected to understand everything and you most certainly have every right to love both of your parents with all of your heart.
6. You might not handle things the same way as your siblings.
My brother and I had two totally different experiences with our parents' divorce. It really hit him hard while I created this giant wall around me that I have yet to completely tear down. He allowed himself to feel everything that came with this huge change and I told myself that everyone needed me to be really strong. We couldn't always relate to each other. Sure, we were always together and it made it really easy to feel like you weren't alone, but it was kind of hard to actually talk to each other about what we were feeling. But that was really okay. We were there physically for a hand to hold and a buddy to crawl into bed with and that is almost exactly what you'll need a lot of the time.
7. Your friends are going to ask all sorts of questions.
You're not going to know how to answer all of them. And you don't have to. Mostly, people just care, but sometimes people are also just nosy. Your business is your business. Don't feel like you are compelled to share everything with people just because they're your friends. You can keep anything private that you want to.
8. You might relate more with one parent than the other.
This does not mean that you love one of your parents more. This does not mean that you are taking sides. This simply means that what's inside of you helps you understand and sympathize with one of your parents more than the other. You are not in the wrong for feeling this way and it certainly doesn't make you a bad child. Your parents won't blame you and their love for you will surpass any and all of these obstacles.
9. You are going to be just fine.
This can be a large feat. It can drag on for way longer than you'd like. But no matter what happens, you are going to be alright. You have so many resources that you can reach out to for help coping. There are so many people in this world who can relate to your situation and would be happy to lend a listening ear. Your parents want to help in any way they can, so let them. You are going to be okay, because this turmoil is not going to last forever.
Give yourself some time. Make sure that you are allowing yourself to honestly react, and that you don't limit your heart to feel a certain amount of things. Divorce can be a lot of things. Mostly, it will be unexpected. But the thick of things will be fleeting. Your new normal will being to gain feelings of comfort quickly. And you will be stronger because of this.
