Dear Mom and Dad,
Where do I begin? First, this letter may not make you happy. It might make you feel more than one emotion. It might make you mad or sad. But know, I love you both.
You guys have shown me so much in life. Both good and bad things. Things I want to continue in my life, and things I want to prevent from happening. And I want to thank both of you for that. I want to thank you for the many years you spent taking care of me and my siblings. Doing everything you could to make us happy. Doing everything to make sure we had everything we needed.
But, this letter isn’t to talk about the good things. Often times in life the bad things trump the good things because the bad things make a bigger impact. So this letter is to address the disconnect that happened between us. You both often ask me why I don’t call more or share things with you more. There is a simple answer to that. I don’t trust that you will keep the things I share with you to yourself and that breaks trust. But I’m not sure you even know that that broke my trust.
Trust is an important thing and that thing is so easily broken. I wish I could tell you guys things, but I know either you tell your friends or other family members who don’t need to know those things, or that I simply don’t want them to know those things. I understand they want to know about my life, but they could also ask me directly and try to be a part of my life. But, it isn’t just telling them what I share with you it that you act like I did something wrong when I get mad that you told someone. I told you those things in confidence, and you went and told other people, how am I not supposed to be mad?
That is just the first disconnect between us. The next disconnect is when you, mom, got sick. When you checked out as mom. And this may hurt you and upset you but it’s true. You got sick, and you checked out as a mom. That hurt our family more than I think you can see. Or maybe you do see it and just don’t know how to fix it, or you feel ashamed. But, I can’t completely blame you for checking out because you were sick. But, you didn’t get help right away either and when you didn’t get immediate results you gave up on the help or just stopped trying all together.
But, as much as I want to forgive you for checking out as a mom you still aren’t being a mom, at least not how you used to be. Some days are good days and some days are bad days and those bad days weigh out the good days by far. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, and I’m sorry I can’t forgive you right now but I’m working on it. That’s something you showed me, by watching you I taught myself to never give because I saw what giving up does to the person and to those around the person. Mom, whether you want to admit it or not you have given up a number of times and I admire you for trying to keep going after giving up but you still gave up several times.
Mom, I love you very much and that will never change but I hope I don’t become like you. You often tell me that I am like you and honestly that scares me. If I was like you were before you got sick, I wouldn’t be so terrified. But since then I have watched you make bad choices and you acknowledge those bad choices, yet you keep making them. I never want to do that in my life. I want to constantly be changing for the better and making sure that when I make bad choices, I fix them. I don’t want to give up like you did, and I don’t think you want me to either.
Dad, I love you very much as well, and while mom stepped out, you stepped up as a dad, and while you aren’t perfect, I appreciate what you did and everything you continue to do. I realize we often take advantage of you and how nice you can be, but know that you are appreciated. Things will never be perfect and things may never be easy but you do your best. The beginning may have been rocky but you continue working to fix things. You never give up.
That’s a trait both of you have instilled in me in two different ways. Again, this letter isn’t to upset or to anger or point fingers, but it is a letter I need to write to you guys. You both try very hard but sometimes things don’t go as planned and sometimes things get ignored instead of fixed. I appreciate all the good things you both have done in the past, present, and what you will continue to do.
I want to be close with both of you, and I want to trust both of you, but that’s hard when we don’t try and fix things. Things were a little better when I was going through the beginning parts of my break up in April and May, both of you were there for me and made sure I was okay and I appreciate that, but then things started to get bad again as they always do. I don’t have the answers for how to fix it but I can’t be the only one willing to fix it.
Not all things are going to be bad, and I cherish the good things in life that you both gave me and my siblings but the good can’t just magically fix the bad things or fix the trust. We have to work to fix it and hope we can do that in the near future.
“Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”
Remember to never give up mom and dad, I love you.
