sophrosyne

(n.) a healthy state of mind, characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one’s true self, and resulting in true happiness.

College. It hasn’t really gone as planned. I left for school a week early and had an amazing experience at New Maroon Camp. I met new people, I branched out and let my ego go as I participated in ice breaker games, “church camp” activities, listened to motivational talks, learned the traditions of Mississippi State University, etc. It was exactly what I expected. After camp, I felt so confident that I was exactly where I was meant to be—Mississippi State University.

I departed back to campus, my friends arrived, and I felt as if everything was going perfectly. Greek recruitment began and right there, day 3, I open my bid card and my biggest fear—being judged off my past—became a reality. I was cut from my top 5 sororities because of one mistake I made in high school. Suddenly, I felt like I did not belong at college much less Mississippi State. I started questioning all of my decisions up to that point—whether I was worthy, whether or not I made the right college decision, whether or not I amounted to anything. Was my life all a mistake so far? Was it fraudulent, disguised, faulty? Why was this happening to me? Weeks passed and I connected with a guy who truly turned my experience at Mississippi State in a 360. I suddenly looked forward to things, enjoyed being in Starkville, MS, and felt worthy again. First football game came along and the day went perfectly… The next morning I found myself crying because of the shameful action I committed the night before—kissing another guy, more intensely—a guy who did not have one place in my mind or heart. Sunday evening comes along and I had to tell my best friend—my twin sister—goodbye for the 4th time, thinking it would get easier each time, but trust me it doesn’t. Monday comes along and I do awful on my first chemistry exam.

My world at this point is literally crashing in… and then it hit me as I was sitting at Casa Bravo with one of my best friends venting to her about my guy problems, my hate for college in general, and how overwhelmed and stressed I am, that I am losing focus on what matters. It hit me right there how blessed I am. Look at me, my best friend is listening to me vent about things that will pass, I am eating food, I am wearing clothes, I just drove to the restaurant in a luxury car with a full tank of gas both paid for by my parents, I am attending college, more specifically a 20k/year school—getting paid to attend—, I have parents who are constantly pouring out love to me, but more importantly, I serve a God who loves me and constantly pours into my cup love and justice and life until it completely overflows. I am drowned in love daily, whether it be by my friends, my family, or my God. I am so blessed and so fortunate, so I must shy away from the things that will pass. Because when I stand at the gates of Heaven, God is not going to ask me a series of questions such as, what sorority did you rush, are you a legacy, what is your gpa, who was your best friend, what is your family’s income, who was your boyfriend, who did you marry, how involved were you in college…no. Now do not interpret that the wrong way because those are all factors that contribute significantly to life’s memories. However, He is going to look at me and see my worth and tell me as he says in the Bible, he forgives all sin if we confess. So here I am, sitting in the library as my goal was to do the excessive amount of homework I have pushed off for days, and I am venting to myself about the past month and God’s love for me—but that’s okay. So as I face and deal with the challenges life brings, one thing I have learned in my first month of college is that nothing matters, nothing at all, besides my relationship with Christ. I must put Christ first, others second, and myself last. I am third. And I truly believe if I follow that phrase, and truly follow it, my perspective on life and college might suddenly change. Knowing God has a relentless, forgiving, welcoming love for me is plenty to fill my heart. God’s love overflows my cup, so I hope it can be more than enough to fill your cup also. As David Crowder says, “if his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking”…what a beautiful way to drown yourself… So I must ask—what fills your cup? And is that what you want to fill your cup?

So commonly in the world we live in today, we are so judgmental, harsh, and materialistic. Why? Why do we let satanic factors overrule God’s directions for us? We feed it with social media, social norms, and societal definitions of success. Whenever I reflect on the past month and the “challenges” I have faced—come on, many wish my “problems” were really their biggest problems—I realize my life equation is missing something. Almost as if I was homesick. But I was homesick from a place I am not sure even exist—I do believe but no one is certain, a place where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood. The first month of college, my life has been sleepness nights + alcohol + procrastination + boys + lots of coffee + going through the motions of schoolwork = stressed out freshman. I look at this equation and I am so ashamed. That is not me. That is not who God would be proud of. So maybe that is why things have not worked out the way I wanted to. Or maybe this is God’s way of telling me to wake up and realize what I am letting fill my cup. I suddenly realized where I was homesick from—my faith and relationship with Christ. I think in the teenage years, especially college, we all find ourselves close to this equation. Even worse some of us find ourselves as, sleepless nights + alcohol + procrastination + boys + lots of coffee + going through the motions of schoolwork + Godly matters only on Sundays and maybe early weekdays if there are no Greek late nights = stressed out freshman with a deteriorating faith. That is more of where I have found myself. I have always told myself to never be a hypocritical Christian. Never be a Sunday morning warrior. And ashamed but lately I have found myself reading scripture at 8 p.m., stumbling in at 2 a.m. and dragging myself to class at 9 a.m.

It does not work that way. I even sometimes think to myself, “all my friends are Christians and they do the same things as me so why am I so wrong?” We have to remember that Jesus never said, “follow Christians.” He said “follow Me.” So in order to break my heart of what breaks His, I must treat my life and cup as a balanced chemical equation. What goes in must come out. So what I let enter and fill my cup, must impact my life and spill out of my cup. Fill your cup with love, more importantly God’s love. Fill your cup with friends who support your religious views and strongly respect them. Fill your cup with things that will lead to your success. Fill your cup with things that bring internal happiness. Pour out of your cup the negative worldly things that we have brainwashed ourselves with by declaring them “important”. As Romans 12:2 says,

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

We must open our eyes and realize that we are not promised years, weeks, days, seconds, or moments. But we are promised eternal life in Heaven if we truly accept Jesus Christ as our Savior and live our life as He has planned for us. We must fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal. So in this chaotic rumble of a society we live in, remember who you are. Do not let materialistic and societal matters overflow your cup, when God is trying to overflow it simply with his love. Break your heart of what breaks His, and you will confidently never have a broken heart ever again. Fill your cup with sophrosyne… All of this is temporary.