Starlight, Starbright, the first star I see tonight.
A quote our Seeds of Peace boating instructor playfully sang as I splashed in the bottomless lake. Darkness had encapsulated the sky and the myriad of stars glistened as I saw the roaring motorboat flee from our sight. All the cheerfully encouraging seeds were transported back to shore while I bobbled in the middle of the lake, feeling fatigued and nauseous.
His mellifluous voice seeped into my damp ears. The soothing nursery rhyme was all I could hear. I had given up after my first attempt. All others were futile halfhearted ones. I wasn’t as swift as Raeka, an Indian Seed, nor as athletic as Jordan, my American dialogue mate.
Breathing heavily, I continuously attempted to grip my wet hands on the slippery surface of the motorboat, knowing I would fail.
“Hamna, do you remember the last two lines to Starlight, Starbright?” asked our instructor casually.
How could I remember anything right now? I refused to converse with someone who had forbid everyone from helping me, believing I could easily pull myself out if I ‘believed in myself’.
In a heroic attempt to impress the Pakistani delegation, I had adventurously signed up for a stargazing trip, unenlightened of the consequences. The effect of peer pressure surmounted when the seeds decided to playfully take a dip in the freezing water. Embarrassed to refuse, I jumped in because I believed our boating instructor would haul me back up. Now, he peacefully lay, gazing at the brightly lit stars decorating the ominous sky.
Ten excruciating minutes of discomfort coupled with my helpless splashing infuriated me. Why couldn’t I do it? Frustration, over his ignorance of the situation and my inability to be complete such a simple task, mounted and my flushed cheeks made my fast meandering tears visible.
I felt ashamed of my body, stubborn attitude and lack of skill. He said, “It’s simple! Push your hands on the left flat edge of the boat, and pull the weight of your body up.” I knew that my feeble arms couldn’t support the weight of my unfit, bulbous body. My acceptance of this failure kept me from trying.
“Remember what they say, Hamna? If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.” He adamantly declared and continued singing the incomplete poem, tirelessly remembering its lyrics. He wasn’t giving up on me then why did I give up on myself?
I glanced up once more at the brightly gleaming stars in the sky. At the horizon, I could see the infinite night sky merging with the tranquil, blue lake; I felt like a speck floating through the air –unnoticeable, and insignificant. But not even a speck is inconsequential. To create a ripple in the ocean, I had to burst free from the suffocating bubble I was trapped in. Self-deprecation exacerbated the present circumstances and only made my negligible-being more invisible.
The menacing sentiment of dissatisfaction blanketed me and I immediately eschewed all mentally created fears. I could do this if I believed I could. Through indefatigable efforts and persistent resilience, I managed to scramble myself up on the rocking boat.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight
I ended the incomplete poem as I crawled my soaking body towards the towels.
“Your wish sure did came true, eh?”
The shreds of insecurity, doubt and self-criticism, plaguing my mind, dissipated. I could take risks; I was breaking free.
The next day, I signed up for zip-lining.
