I've always been afraid. All my life I've been terrified and traumatized. The thought of it haunts me every time I have to leave a building just to go outside. My fear is taking the elevator.
When I was two years old, my parents got divorced. I didn't really understand what was going on until I got older but the time that I had spent with my dad, all I can remember was how he would take my sister and me to the movie theater, and then drop us off at my grandmother's house after spending the day with us. One day, after hanging out with my dad, he took us back to my grandma's house. My grandma lives on the seventh floor, so, of course, we had to take the elevator. Once we had stepped in the elevator, we pressed seven but my dad kept messing around by pressing all the buttons but finally the elevator door had closed.. but it didn't move. I was a toddler at the time when it had happened and it had scared me a lot because I was basically a baby and I knew that it wasn't normal for the elevator not to move. I started to panic, cry, and freak out thinking that we will never get out. Being a toddler, looking up at the window of the elevator, staring at it, seeing that it was still on the same floor, I looked to the right and saw my dad laughing as if it was the funniest joke on the planet. I was really upset and sad because my dad laughed at me when I was terrified thinking that we were going to be trapped forever. I kept crying, screaming, and yelling out "I want to go home!" At the same time, my dad kept telling me to calm down -- but how can I calm down when I was only a baby and I felt like we were never going to get out? But then the elevator started to move again. Ever since that day I never wanted to get on an elevator ever again.
My whole life I struggled a lot because I knew I had no choice to take it but for some reason I got over it when I was in junior high school. I took it but then I got stuck again and I couldn't do it anymore. I had no other choice because my family made me go on the elevator since it's not safe around our neighborhood. I live in east Harlem and it is not the safest neighborhood in the city, which is why my family would force me to take the elevator. But the day that I was literally done with taking the elevator, aside from prom night, was when I was in the tenth grade. I was tired so I decided to go on the elevator but I was with my sister. It had bothered me a lot but my mom lives on the twelfth floor so I was like "screw it" anyway. I got on the elevator and of course, it got stuck. I was mad because we were so close to being on our floor but the elevator dropped one floor and I said "never again" to myself especially because I didn't want to drop food on the floor again. I had bought hot dogs but because I was so scared I dropped the hot dogs on the floor. My sister would try to force me to go on the elevator, but I'd get into arguments with her and my mom because they didn't understand the trauma I had gone through as a toddler and a teenager. After going through that, I started to take the stairs which was tough on me because I suffer from asthma and anxiety. My chest gets tight every time I walk up seven and twelve flights of stairs daily. But since I started school again, I decided to go on the elevators in the dorms. I did this because people who know my fear ask me what am I going to do if there is an emergency and I would have to go on the elevator since it is the fastest way to go on. They ask me that because I study criminal justice and I want to become a cop. I want to be able to serve and protect people. So I'm taking baby steps and so far I've taken the elevator thirteen times -- which felt kind of good even though I get scared. It felt good because I feel free a little bit every time I go on it and get off the elevator. It's a step closer to not being afraid little by little and not letting fear get the best of me anymore.
