To My Eating Disorder,
Remember when I fell in love with you in seventh grade? My love started in the spring as the flowers blossomed. Although I don’t exactly recall the meal of nothing that started it all, I do remember the feeling that you gave me as I repeatedly read over each calorie I consumed. Regret. I felt like I was cheating on you with food. It was so easy to keep our love a secret at the beginning. Not many people noticed how you danced me out of the light and held me in the darkness. You skipped with me down the golden-paved road named “Meals”. You always loved to skip things.
The funny thing is I got to know a lot about myself through this relationship. I found that I didn’t love myself. In fact, I despised myself. I despised the feeling of happiness. You helped me do this by forcing my hand to slam doors in the faces of people I loved the most. These people constantly reminded me that I was beautiful and good enough for anyone. Except I would never be good enough for you. And you didn’t want these people to tell me of my loveliness because you were jealous I would love and listen to them more than you.
Passing out was just a little nap and the dizziness was worth the defined cheekbones and skinnier thighs you gave me. Yeah, one container of macaroni and cheese could get me through the entire day which I filled with nothing but activities to keep me closer to pleasing you. School and dance and band and dance and dance and homework and sleep and you. The three minutes it takes to microwave my cheesy deliciousness was long enough for us to be away from each other and eventually I had to purify myself from this disaster to keep you happy.
Remember those people we kept leaving out of our relationship? Yeah, they started to catch on. They started to notice that my time was devoted to someone who didn’t deserve my affection and began to push back. Until they broke those doors down. They broke the glass that held us together using love and positivity and care like baseball bats.
My love for you ended in the cold winter. And while sometimes you pass through my mind, it is in a different way now. My hollowed out smile has been filled again with mashed potatoes and laughter and everything you never wanted me to enjoy. We broke up long ago, and I promise myself that I am strong enough to stay away from you. I have fallen in love with living and Jesus and people and places and myself and they are things you are not allowed to take away from me. You are done taking and I am done giving. So, no sorry's included, but in case you didn’t get the memo: we are over.
