When someone asks me how I'm coping with us, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm heartbroken over it; sometimes I'm happy we aren't putting ourselves through it anymore. Sometimes I'm pissed off; other times I just don't care. But when I try to utter these thoughts into words.. they just come out as, "I guess I'm just numb." And let me tell you, trying to describe the feeling of being numb to someone, unless they have felt it themselves.. that's probably the most difficult thing to do.
The thought that is always running through my mind when you come up... it's if our never ending merry-go-round of being on and off again, loving and hating one another, full-force or no effort at all.. will it continue on like it always has or will it really be different this time around? I feel like every season we go through of being who we are together always ends with a "to be continued.." and I haven't found a more spot on description for me and you. Maybe it's fate that we are fighting or maybe it's just two dumb kids that can't see past what has always been, what always will be, and move on.
It's like a wildfire that got started from someone throwing a single cigarette butt out of a window on some backwoods highway. I wasn't expecting you; you weren't expecting me. I wasn't ready for you; you definitely weren't ready for me. Two people, the kind that share the same soul, heart, and mind.. ran into each other like two cars colliding head on without ever checking up on the brakes. From the first night we met, we ran with everything we had brought to the table, turned down every side road there was, pulled over a few times to refuel, and now we're at a dead stop because we've rode until the wheels have fallen off.
So now I'm stuck.. stuck on still loving you, stuck on wanting to hate you, stuck on missing you, and stuck on never wanting to see you again.. but I think the thing that I'm stuck on the most and what also bothers me the most about us is the fact that at the end of the day, it's always going to be you: the one I want, the one I'd chase, the one I need, the one who holds my entire heart. I've never loved anyone in the way I love you. It's so different from normal. It's captivating, immeasurable, unexplainable, unwaivering, and true.. your happiness and success weighs more on my heart than my own at times... but I'm okay with that.
You'll always be my person. The one I'd wait a million years for. The one I'll always wish could've been more despite all that we were during our time. We (but mainly I) jumped the gun, tried fixing something that wasn't broken, overanalyzed, and put pressure when it wasn't needed and/or wanted.. I take blame for a lot of our faults and where we both stand now.. mainly because I couldn't put the blame on you even if you deserved it. You pulled out a part of me I didn't even know I had in me. A person who I was unfamiliar with.. but when you helped me meet her.. she was everything I ever wanted to be. You were the breath of air I gasped for after almost drowning for years.. the safe haven I needed to escape the war I'd found myself in.. the light to the darkness that was surrounding me.
I guess I will always feel as though I'm indebted to you.. for so many reasons but the list is too long to list here. If you ever come across this, know that you're still as amazing as you were the moment our paths crossed. You still captivate me. You still hold every piece of me as you once did a long time ago. I've missed you and the comfort you provided me. I still pray for you and all your endeavors. I want you to be happy and hope that you are. I miss your family, the laughs, the long nights that turned into early mornings and longer days.. I truly miss it all. You were the greatest adventure I've ever endured and possibly my favorite. So many lessons were learned. So many memories were made. I think of you often & probably more than I should.. but that's the footprint you left on my heart. But most of all, if you have seen this and somehow managed to keep reading without closing it.. I love you, as much as the day I met you, as much as I did when we were in our prime, and maybe even more now than ever before because of what you left me here with after everything we've gone through.
As always, be safe and be good and above all, know you're worth more..
- From a girl who loved with all she had.. it just turned out to be too much at the time
