A note to 2017,
You undid everything I thought I knew. I’m sort of at this weird point of being like wow, I thought I knew it all and dang, that was wrong. And here I am again, believing I’ve got it all figured out- but what if, yet again, I’m just in the dark? But incidentally, I now know this crazy life is my own personal pursuit of happiness. And that requires me to acknowledge that shit; you changed just about everything, and yet you gave me the world. Thank you.
I learned that you live through heartbreak, hell you OWN it with just a little time, self-compassion, and hugging the parts of you that broke. I learned my parents and family are less than perfect. Just like everyone else. Just like. Just as worthy of love in all the places that hurt to pinch. I learned that what’s going on underneath, way down deep in someone's heart, rarely matches the role they’re playing out through practice. I learned to see beneath the character, and into the actor.
Love the actor. Love your actor. Know acting isn’t what you were born to do; let others stop rehearsing when in your presence. I learned crying is always the way to go; holding it in isn’t helping, but it's sure shaking up a bigger storm to come. Just cry and be honest and don’t give a shit. I’ve learned to fill this dream of a life with people who feel like sunshine and fill life with lessons.
Have people around who make you believe things are meant to be. Don’t settle for the ones who love you poorly. Who darken the blue skies and love the rain. The ones who practice bad love and dismiss the new love you’ve learned. Keep practicing your love. Recognize the dream another person is living- know that theirs is filled with hurt and growth. Respect it. Forgive. I now know I’m not entitled to my anger. Being true love means being it no matter how stubborn I feel.
No matter how angry I think I should be. Letting it go just feels better; let that shit go. I’ve learned that there is so much to heal, so much to relearn. Relearning self-love is what plates our hearts in gold. Relearning to love others makes life into a really good daydream, where loud noises don’t annoy you and you realize the person honking or bitching at you is probably trying just as hard to be as peaceful as you are.
Relearning the only thing that really matters is the moment right here and right now. This is literally it; anything else already happened or hasn’t happened yet. See it big. See it beautiful; see it vibrant and alive. Don’t be scared; don’t paint it grey to break a fall. Worrying is nothing but fear kicking your ass and telling you lies. I relearned how to see the gold in someone when I had run through life hunting for the dirt.
We’ve all got dirt and gold; see the gold and let yours be seen. Love the dirt anyway. I’ve relearned the art of not giving a shit (in the best of ways). Do what you like. Love who you love and say what you believe and STAND BY IT and know and believe deep down in your dirty gold heart that YOU ARE A BADASS.
I’ve remembered life has tried me. I remember how we closed. Now I see; I’m back here in this moment, reopening every time I love, in the way the universe has taught me to. With patience and kindness and acceptance. Because that’s the point- that was the first love and the one that teaches you two huge things.
One: I am capable of completely shattering.
Two: My soul is so huge and knowing that I’ll figure out just how to put myself back together. I’ve had the mind that sometimes runs away but always comes back to figure things out. The body that taught me love begins with oneself. And the heart that is now addicted to being open.
Thank you 2017. I got one big old peaceful message, before we part ways. I’m already in love with 2018 and it's not even here yet. I’m in love with it, because it will be exactly what I choose it to be. I can’t wait to choose new lessons all over again.
