To my youth pastors,

I know some of you tried, some of you tried really hard to make youth group a safe and welcoming space. You created events like going to the pumpkin patch, bowling, laser tag, or holiday themed parties. However, it was hardly ever a welcoming spot for me. During middle school, you tried to create a group with all the other surround Methodist youth groups. You believed a joint group with more people could provide us with the experiences you couldn't provide in our smaller church. While you tried to work in Christian teachings into the group, you failed to teach both genders to respect each other. There's a difference between poking a little fun at someone, and being a full on asshole. Girls were told to respect boys. For the most part, I wanted little or nothing to do with boys, most of them were nice to me if I stayed out of their way.

In high school, I thought things would change as my group had just hired another new youth pastor. I wish we had a more in-depth study of scriptures because it seemed like each week every lesson was planned at the last minute. I understand, life can be crazy and everyone can lose track of time once in awhile. I was jealous of my friends who went to what seemed "successful" youth groups, like YoungLife. I wish we could have been like them. I went to some of their events and even though it felt like I was cheating on our group, I felt so much more at home than in the musty cramped room back at the Methodist church. What bothered me the most was although you encouraged participation, you couldn't understand how some people can be quiet and not speak up until they feel they are in a safe space to share. I didn't speak up because each time I did, something I'd say wouldn't fit the agenda or the scriptures you were trying to teach. I built up a wall to protect myself because you couldn't understand that everyone in our youth group was at different spiritual and learning levels.

When I finally thought I could trust you, I was wrong again. One of the boys who attended the group sexually harassed and assaulted me over a one and a half year period, but what did you do? You stayed silent. I told you, I told my parents, but still NOTHING HAPPENED. Why? Was it because you thought I was overreacting? Was it because the good old "boys will be boys," stereotype played in your head? During Easter, what I thought was him coming to talk to me, was actually him coming over to grab at my breasts, and when I yelled at him to leave me alone people watched on. No one said anything, they either laughed or looked away. I can't blame you for all of this, though, it's not your fault but the way the church and his family failed to raise him but you could have spoken up for me. It disgusts me that the church lets sexual assault incidents happen and shoves them under the rug. You could have been and ally but you weren't. The little bit of trust I had in you disintegrated the moment you sided with him. My youth group was supposed to help me grow closer to God, but instead, it pushed me further away from him.

To my youth pastors,

Thank you for giving me such a horrible time in youth group. Because of you, I now know what to look for in a Christian community and it certainly wasn't what I found at my time there.

Every time I return home I look on and see that the current group is flourishing and more structured than when I was there. A part of me is jealous, but I'm hopeful that the current kids are able to have a safe space to explore the Bible and speak their minds. I'm hopeful that change has happened and is happening.