You were teachers, students, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters…
You don’t know me, but you are my family. Being on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, you are considered family to me. I just have a few things that I need to say in light of your deaths or injuries.
First, to those of you who were murdered, I’m sorry that this may be the way that your families find out your orientation.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t have helped. While my voice is loud and proud, I am still silenced by society and still feel the need to keep my orientation quiet at times. I’m sorry that I’m not prouder than I already am. I’m sorry that my lack of pride and my silenced voice may have impacted this situation in some way. I feel so much guilt and I know that there wasn’t anything I could do, but I still feel so guilty that some many of you were hurt or killed in this tragedy.
I wish there was a way that I could have saved you.
I cannot imagine the fear you held, either in the last moments of your lives or otherwise. I wish I could ask you if this fear is different from the fear of coming out to your families. I wish I could ask you if this fear is different from the fear of your bosses or professors finding out your orientation and then discriminating against you for it. I wish I could ask you if this fear is different from the fear of not being accepted by your peers.
I wish I could ask you if this fear is different from the fear of never being able to fully accept yourself.
I refuse to mention the monster’s name who committed this horrible act of hate and violence. I also want to note that he is a monster for killing members of my LGBTQIA+ family, not for being Muslim.
Your deaths and injuries should be used to promote laws that will ensure our rights as a community and that will ensure equality for us. Your deaths and injuries should be used to make stricter gun laws so that no more innocent lives have to be cut short. While the latter is happening, your deaths and injuries are also being used as a way for politicians to talk about “how dangerous Muslims are.”
I am scared now. What happens if I find a really nice girl that I want to go out to dinner with, or go shopping with, and I want to hold her hand or give her a kiss goodbye? I won’t feel comfortable, because what if this holding hands or this simple peck inspires some other person to commit another hate crime against our community?
Our whole community has a lot of healing to go through. While you have physical, mental and emotional healing to endure, the rest of us have mental and emotional healing to endure. There is anger, sadness and fear running through the blood and minds of our community now. We have to stick together and attempt to remain proud. We cannot allow this to keep us down.
I, personally, have endured years of working towards accepting myself. I finally felt comfortable enough two months ago to be entirely open about my orientation. I cannot let this tragedy affect me anymore than it already has.
I am so sorry that this tragedy has happened and I hope that one day, we’ll be able to be ourselves without having the fear of being killed.
