Open Letter To My Soon To Be Ex-Boyfriend
Start writing a post
Relationships

Open Letter To My Soon To Be Ex-Boyfriend

1787
Open Letter To My Soon To Be Ex-Boyfriend

Dear my soon to be ex-boyfriend,

Sometimes you make me feel like shit. I don’t like that. I don’t like feeling like shit. It feels terrible and it sucks even more knowing that you are the one causing this for me. It really makes me question us sometimes. It makes me wonder what I am really do with you and with myself.

Everybody tells me that it isn’t worth it anymore. That you haven’t been feeling this relationship for a while. Somehow, you convince me that this isn’t true. I don’t know how you do this. I don’t know how you manipulate me like this. Why do I let you do this to me? It isn’t fair. I need to start realizing that, I really do.

Honestly, it’s easier to share my feelings with myself rather than with another person. It makes me feel unjudged and I really like this. It’s just me and my computer and no one has to know my deepest thoughts. I never have to share them with anyone, which is really nice to know for once.

I may like to be a really open person sometimes, but at this point, at least right now, I like being by myself. I always thought it was the worst thing in the world when you didn’t text me in the morning. However, I’ve come to realize in the recent months, that that was nothing. He could hurt me so much more than that. No good morning text is really not a big deal. I wish I knew that before. I wish I could see things through that perspective. However, this thought makes me wonder if what you have been saying is true. Have I really been over thinking the little things that have been happening to us. Is not hanging out with you really that big of a deal? Maybe it’s not. But, I can’t seem to get the idea out of my head that it’s a terrible thing. I wish the transition would just happen. Where the not hanging out doesn’t hurt me anymore.

My dad mentioned to me today that he doesn’t want you to string me along and then just drop me. I don’t want that to happen either. I don’t want you to have all this power. I hate that you get to choose when we hang out and when we don’t. I hate how I’d do anything to see you, but it’s not reciprocated. I hate how I have to beg for your time. I honestly really hate that about myself. I hate that I have to do that for you. Like really, why? Do you not respect me? It just feels like that now.

You said that I couldn’t blame this all on you. However, it is somewhat your fault. You say I can never be wrong and I can never be at fault, but I think you’re actually guilty of this too. You can’t take responsibility. You know you’re not doing anything to try to see me. Yet, you keep giving excuses. You keep saying you’re busy and you can’t do anything to change that. Honestly, I think that’s a big fat lie. I think there is something you can do about it, and you just choose not to do it. You choose not to put the effort in anymore. That fucking sucks to think that. You say you put the effort in, but why don’t I feel it?

Like today, honestly, I’ve been really okay with not talking to you. It’s actually kind of weird. I feel I guess a little relieved. I think it might be because this is the first step in realizing I can live without you. Honestly, thank you for not texting me today. You may be an asshole for that but it’s helping me in the long run. You really don’t realize how you’re doing little things to push me away. You don’t realize how eventually I’m not gonna want you anymore.

I’ve been told that I can do so much better than you, but something keeps me back from believing it. I always wonder what would happen if we did break up. Who would want to deal with my crazy shit? I’m afraid that no one’s going to want to put up with my shit anymore.

I want to cry so bad right now. But I don’t at the same time. It’s because I really know that you’re not worth my tears. You weren’t worth them when I cried over you in the past. You aren’t worth them now. You won’t be worth them in the future. But, why do I keep giving you that satisfaction? Why do I let you control my emotions? Why do I let you control how I feel?

I now understand why people leave people and tell them that they need to be a better one before they can be a good two. I’m too dependent on you. I need to be able to live on my own. I need to be able to learn how to make myself happy. I need to learn what makes me happy that doesn’t revolve around you. What can I do that will make me happy without you? Because believe it or not, no matter how hard I try, you’re not going to be part of my life forever. I can’t have you do that. Because deep down inside, I know you wouldn’t be happy, and honestly I wouldn’t be happy either. I need to think about this. I need to really think whether or not it’s worth it for me to be in this relationship anymore.

When’s the hurt going to go away? When is what you do not going to affect me anymore? I am afraid that it will never stop. I’m afraid that whatever you do, it’s going to hurt me. But I can’t blame this all on you. I let you control my happiness. I let you keep all my eggs. I’m letting you crack them one by one. However, this needs to stop now. I guess this isn’t a letter to you, as much as it is a call of action to me. It’s really making me realize things clearer. I think I may be happy without you.

I’m realizing that I’m going to be okay when you’re not part of my life anymore. You won’t be able to hurt me much longer. Honestly, I don’t know how much more hurt I can take from you before I have to end it. Will I have the power inside of me to end it? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to say goodbye and that’s what sucks. Thinking of having to say goodbye to you is what stops me from ever doing anything. I never want to have to say goodbye. You’ve been such a huge part of my life for the last 15 or 16 months. How could I let something that important to me go that easily? And that’s why I can’t ever do anything. That’s why I don’t have the balls to ever do anything.

I wonder if we took a break what would happen. Would it benefit us or hurt us? Will we realize that we need each other or will we realize that we don’t really need each other anymore? Will we realize that we’re better off without each other? I am scared of that. I am scared of you still hurting me even when you’re gone. I’m scared I’m going to lend you that power. Why should I? I really shouldn’t! You don’t deserve to control how I feel. You are not better than me! Why should you be more powerful in this relationship than me? Honestly, you shouldn’t. So honestly, fuck you. Fuck you for all the times that you’ve hurt me. Fuck you for making me feel so in the dumps sometimes. That’s not what a boyfriend’s supposed to do. They’re suppose to pick you up, not drag you down. Why do I feel as if you’ve been dragging me down more than you’ve been pulling me up? If that continues to be the case, I need to realize that you aren’t good for me anymore. I need to realize that this really isn’t benefitting me anymore. I need to be able to let you go. I want to be able to let you go. I want to be able to say goodbye. I just can’t.

When we almost broke up that one time, you told me all of your honest thoughts. I kind of understand one now. You didn’t really want to be in a relationship anymore, but something was holding you back from breaking up with me, and you couldn’t figure out what it was. I get that feeling now. I love you so deeply, but part of me wants to end this hurt finally. I don’t want to hurt anymore. But something is holding me back. Something isn’t allowing me to take that leap of faith and say goodbye. Maybe one day I’ll be able to figure it out. Maybe not. But I hope I do. I hope I learn what that thing is finally and I get the courage to do something I never thought I would ever do. I hope I get the courage one day to say that I’ve had enough and I’m done. I’m not at that point right now, but I’m close. I’m close to my tipping point in this relationship. I can’t get much sadder. So, by god, I hope you become a better boyfriend for the last part of our relationship. Because if not, I’m gonna have to be the one that pulls that cord and the one who finally says goodbye.

Talk to you soon

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Social Media Or Soul Media

To the generation that cares way too much about affirmation.

984
Emma Smith
  • This semester I am taking the ever so famous class, Writing 101. Walking into it, I had heard the horror stories about each major assignment. I have to admit, it’s not a class that I am fond of. But, major assignment #2 got me thinking, we had to create a research question based off of a topic that we are interested in.

Two weeks prior, I watched a very interesting documentary on Netflix. Miss Representation was recommended to me by one of my friends and I have to say the topic is absolutely mind blowing. Social Media and Female Body Image. How Social Media makes girls see this unnatural perfection of ‘beauty’ that really doesn’t exist. But female body image isn’t the only thing affected by social media.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Sex And The Church

A letter to fellow believers.

2344
Amanda Hayes
  • I know many of you just read that title and thought it was scandalous to see something so “risque” in the same setting as something holy. Well guess what – sex is part of that. Everyone seems to think they are separate, which makes since because most people treat them as though they are complete polar opposites. Shall we think this through?

Who created the Church body? God. Who created the body? Also God. If we know God to be the creator of all things, we cannot leave sex out of that equation. God created sex, people! Praise Him! Like all great things, the world has twisted and perverted it. The world has stained it so badly that even many church congregations see it only as stained and keep quiet about that part of God’s word. Many people know that God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28), but a lot of people overlook the entirety of Song of Solomon. The entire book is dedicated to telling of the love and sex between man and wife. God blessed us with the gift of intimacy, one to be shared between husband and wife. Church if we teach of sex as the blessing that it is, more people will start treating it as such. If we stop viewing sex as this unspeakable act, the temptation would be lessened. With the fall of man, humans naturally desire things they should not have. So if more people speak of it with gladness and praise, and do not hide it in the darkness as if it were vile, fewer people would be drawn to it for the wrong reasons. More people would appreciate it for what it is: a gift from God.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tumblr

Chick-fil-A, I love you.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

An open letter to my father

What you did sounds dumb to me

3171
An open letter to my father
The Truth About My Parents' Divorce

Considering im 18 now & you're one of the best men i've ever met since you have a child; me. I want you to know that I love you, more than anyone, I love you. I don't forgive you for the way you hurt my mother. I'm hurt because you broke our family. Thing went down hill the day you found Laquita. You we're distant & shortly after my mother turned into the coldest, saddest women to walk past me. She's my best friend & so are you. Not one day goes by where I don't wonder what she did wrong. How on earth could you trade your family & the women who loved you unconditionally for a home wrecker? Sounds dumb to me.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Is God Reckless?

Exploring the controversy behind the popular worship song "Reckless Love"

3325
Is God Reckless?


First things first I do not agree with people getting so caught up in the specific theology of a song that they forget who they are singing the song to. I normally don't pay attention to negative things that people say about worship music, but the things that people were saying caught my attention. For example, that the song was not biblical and should not be sung in churches. Worship was created to glorify God, and not to argue over what kind of theology the artist used to write the song. I was not made aware of the controversy surrounding the popular song "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury until about a week ago, but now that I am aware this is what I have concluded.The controversy surrounding the song is how the term reckless is used to describe God's love. This is the statement that Cory Asbury released after many people questioned his theology regarding his lyrics. I think that by trying to clarify what the song was saying he added to the confusion behind the controversy.This is what he had to say,
"Many have asked me for clarity on the phrase, "reckless love". Many have wondered why I'd use a "negative" word to describe God. I've taken some time to write out my thoughts here. I hope it brings answers to your questions. But more than that, I hope it brings you into an encounter with the wildness of His love.When I use the phrase, "the reckless love of God", I'm not saying that God Himself is reckless. I am, however, saying that the way He loves, is in many regards, quite so. What I mean is this: He is utterly unconcerned with the consequences of His actions with regards to His own safety, comfort, and well-being. His love isn't crafty or slick. It's not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, it's quite childlike, and might I even suggest, sometimes downright ridiculous. His love bankrupted heaven for you. His love doesn't consider Himself first. His love isn't selfish or self-serving. He doesn't wonder what He'll gain or lose by putting Himself out there. He simply gives Himself away on the off-chance that one of us might look back at Him and offer ourselves in return.His love leaves the ninety-nine to find the one every time."
Some people are arguing that song is biblical because it makes reference to the scripture from Matthew 28:12-14 and Luke 15. Both of these scriptures talk about the parable of the lost sheep and the shepherd. The shepherd symbolizes God and the lost sheep are people that do not have a relationship with God. On the other hand some people are arguing that using the term reckless, referring to God's character is heretical and not biblical. I found two articles that discuss the controversy about the song.The first article is called, "Reckless Love" By Cory Asbury - "Song Meaning, Review, and Worship Leading Tips." The writer of the article, Jake Gosselin argues that people are "Making a mountain out of a molehill" and that the argument is foolish. The second article, "God's Love is not Reckless, Contrary to What You Might Sing" by author Andrew Gabriel argues that using the term reckless is irresponsible and that you cannot separate Gods character traits from God himself. For example, saying that God's love is reckless could also be argued that God himself is reckless. Reckless is typically not a word that someone would use to describe God and his love for us. The term reckless is defined as (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action. However, Cory Asbury is not talking about a person, he is talking about God's passionate and relentless pursuit of the lost. While I would not have chosen the word reckless, I understand what he was trying to communicate through the song. Down below I have linked two articles that might be helpful if you are interested in reading more about the controversy.


Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments