Dear my soon to be ex-boyfriend,
Sometimes you make me feel like shit. I don’t like that. I don’t like feeling like shit. It feels terrible and it sucks even more knowing that you are the one causing this for me. It really makes me question us sometimes. It makes me wonder what I am really do with you and with myself.
Everybody tells me that it isn’t worth it anymore. That you haven’t been feeling this relationship for a while. Somehow, you convince me that this isn’t true. I don’t know how you do this. I don’t know how you manipulate me like this. Why do I let you do this to me? It isn’t fair. I need to start realizing that, I really do.
Honestly, it’s easier to share my feelings with myself rather than with another person. It makes me feel unjudged and I really like this. It’s just me and my computer and no one has to know my deepest thoughts. I never have to share them with anyone, which is really nice to know for once.
I may like to be a really open person sometimes, but at this point, at least right now, I like being by myself. I always thought it was the worst thing in the world when you didn’t text me in the morning. However, I’ve come to realize in the recent months, that that was nothing. He could hurt me so much more than that. No good morning text is really not a big deal. I wish I knew that before. I wish I could see things through that perspective. However, this thought makes me wonder if what you have been saying is true. Have I really been over thinking the little things that have been happening to us. Is not hanging out with you really that big of a deal? Maybe it’s not. But, I can’t seem to get the idea out of my head that it’s a terrible thing. I wish the transition would just happen. Where the not hanging out doesn’t hurt me anymore.
My dad mentioned to me today that he doesn’t want you to string me along and then just drop me. I don’t want that to happen either. I don’t want you to have all this power. I hate that you get to choose when we hang out and when we don’t. I hate how I’d do anything to see you, but it’s not reciprocated. I hate how I have to beg for your time. I honestly really hate that about myself. I hate that I have to do that for you. Like really, why? Do you not respect me? It just feels like that now.
You said that I couldn’t blame this all on you. However, it is somewhat your fault. You say I can never be wrong and I can never be at fault, but I think you’re actually guilty of this too. You can’t take responsibility. You know you’re not doing anything to try to see me. Yet, you keep giving excuses. You keep saying you’re busy and you can’t do anything to change that. Honestly, I think that’s a big fat lie. I think there is something you can do about it, and you just choose not to do it. You choose not to put the effort in anymore. That fucking sucks to think that. You say you put the effort in, but why don’t I feel it?
Like today, honestly, I’ve been really okay with not talking to you. It’s actually kind of weird. I feel I guess a little relieved. I think it might be because this is the first step in realizing I can live without you. Honestly, thank you for not texting me today. You may be an asshole for that but it’s helping me in the long run. You really don’t realize how you’re doing little things to push me away. You don’t realize how eventually I’m not gonna want you anymore.
I’ve been told that I can do so much better than you, but something keeps me back from believing it. I always wonder what would happen if we did break up. Who would want to deal with my crazy shit? I’m afraid that no one’s going to want to put up with my shit anymore.
I want to cry so bad right now. But I don’t at the same time. It’s because I really know that you’re not worth my tears. You weren’t worth them when I cried over you in the past. You aren’t worth them now. You won’t be worth them in the future. But, why do I keep giving you that satisfaction? Why do I let you control my emotions? Why do I let you control how I feel?
I now understand why people leave people and tell them that they need to be a better one before they can be a good two. I’m too dependent on you. I need to be able to live on my own. I need to be able to learn how to make myself happy. I need to learn what makes me happy that doesn’t revolve around you. What can I do that will make me happy without you? Because believe it or not, no matter how hard I try, you’re not going to be part of my life forever. I can’t have you do that. Because deep down inside, I know you wouldn’t be happy, and honestly I wouldn’t be happy either. I need to think about this. I need to really think whether or not it’s worth it for me to be in this relationship anymore.
When’s the hurt going to go away? When is what you do not going to affect me anymore? I am afraid that it will never stop. I’m afraid that whatever you do, it’s going to hurt me. But I can’t blame this all on you. I let you control my happiness. I let you keep all my eggs. I’m letting you crack them one by one. However, this needs to stop now. I guess this isn’t a letter to you, as much as it is a call of action to me. It’s really making me realize things clearer. I think I may be happy without you.
I’m realizing that I’m going to be okay when you’re not part of my life anymore. You won’t be able to hurt me much longer. Honestly, I don’t know how much more hurt I can take from you before I have to end it. Will I have the power inside of me to end it? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to say goodbye and that’s what sucks. Thinking of having to say goodbye to you is what stops me from ever doing anything. I never want to have to say goodbye. You’ve been such a huge part of my life for the last 15 or 16 months. How could I let something that important to me go that easily? And that’s why I can’t ever do anything. That’s why I don’t have the balls to ever do anything.
I wonder if we took a break what would happen. Would it benefit us or hurt us? Will we realize that we need each other or will we realize that we don’t really need each other anymore? Will we realize that we’re better off without each other? I am scared of that. I am scared of you still hurting me even when you’re gone. I’m scared I’m going to lend you that power. Why should I? I really shouldn’t! You don’t deserve to control how I feel. You are not better than me! Why should you be more powerful in this relationship than me? Honestly, you shouldn’t. So honestly, fuck you. Fuck you for all the times that you’ve hurt me. Fuck you for making me feel so in the dumps sometimes. That’s not what a boyfriend’s supposed to do. They’re suppose to pick you up, not drag you down. Why do I feel as if you’ve been dragging me down more than you’ve been pulling me up? If that continues to be the case, I need to realize that you aren’t good for me anymore. I need to realize that this really isn’t benefitting me anymore. I need to be able to let you go. I want to be able to let you go. I want to be able to say goodbye. I just can’t.
When we almost broke up that one time, you told me all of your honest thoughts. I kind of understand one now. You didn’t really want to be in a relationship anymore, but something was holding you back from breaking up with me, and you couldn’t figure out what it was. I get that feeling now. I love you so deeply, but part of me wants to end this hurt finally. I don’t want to hurt anymore. But something is holding me back. Something isn’t allowing me to take that leap of faith and say goodbye. Maybe one day I’ll be able to figure it out. Maybe not. But I hope I do. I hope I learn what that thing is finally and I get the courage to do something I never thought I would ever do. I hope I get the courage one day to say that I’ve had enough and I’m done. I’m not at that point right now, but I’m close. I’m close to my tipping point in this relationship. I can’t get much sadder. So, by god, I hope you become a better boyfriend for the last part of our relationship. Because if not, I’m gonna have to be the one that pulls that cord and the one who finally says goodbye.
Talk to you soon