To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

Believe it or not, I still care about you.
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Dear ex-friend,

I'm not mad at you, even though maybe I have reason to be. Just like you have reason to be mad at me. And I don't hate you. No matter how many times I thought I did since you stopped texting back. I don’t. Sometimes I miss you.

All the times, I miss you.

Not the you who would go days ignoring me in high school, your face cold and expressionless without offering an explanation as to why. Not the you who was often a compulsive liar. Not the you who liked to make me feel guilty and manipulated.

But the you who never failed to make me laugh. The you that I related to the most. The you that spent hours making long, corny video montages of all the pictures and memories we ever shared with heartfelt messages.

I don’t blame you for not talking to me anymore, either. It still hurts, though. This void is like a heavy sinking pit in my stomach, a black hole sucking up my intestines and still hungry for more. My heart, my lungs, my sanity...

I have no shame in admitting I shed tears for the loss of our friendship. Because you were such a great friend, when you were. One of my best friends. And when you weren’t, I resented you but I still loved you.

Funny how that works.

Strange how you could be the only person I wanted to talk to at times and the last person I wanted to talk to other times. Strange how much we have in common. Sometimes I swore I was looking into a mirror. Maybe that’s why other people in my life felt threatened by you. Because we were almost the same person, you and I. Honestly, it often pissed me off that I wasn’t able to completely figure you out. It wasn’t until I reflected on my own behaviors and mannerisms did I understand just how similar we really are.

So many parallels. Both hardheaded and stubborn as bulls. Both temperamental and emotional. Both so great at putting on a facade so no one would know something was wrong. Both loud and lively one moment and then reserved and distant the very next. Both lonely in our own right. Even though we had each other and a million other oblivious figures surrounding us at all hours of the day. I’m sorry if, in the end, I contributed to that feeling of loneliness.

I hate that I abandoned you. Because you didn’t deserve it, regardless of how many people told me you did. It's really easy to forget how grateful you should be for someone when so many others are in your ear telling you to cut them out of your life. And I fought those voices with everything in me. I fought the judgmental and the disdainful.

I didn’t see the person they saw. They saw someone who became a character, and put on a mask, and danced around for attention. I saw someone who used that mask as a shield, as protection.

I saw someone who was trapped. Someone who used their long fingernails to crack open their thoughts when no one was looking. And to claw for a hand to hold when no one offered theirs. I saw someone who escaped to a corner to lick their injured flesh when they were in pain. I saw someone who just wanted someone to notice these things.

And I did.

But as much as I hate to admit it, you were toxic for me. So maybe all this is for the better.

Please don’t hate me. Even if we never speak again. Just don’t hate me.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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An Open Letter To The Friend Who Became My Sister

Love is thicker than blood.
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Sis,

There are friends. Then, there are best friends.

According to "Grey’s Anatomy’s" Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang, they're your person. The one who, “if I murdered someone, I’d call you to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor.” You’re so much more to me than any of those titles can express.

As I’ve matured throughout the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that good friends with good hearts serve an incredibly important purpose in our lives, going above and beyond what we give them credit and appreciation for.

The family we choose. You’re one of those.

The day we met, I knew that you were going to play an important role in my life. What I had no idea of was that you would join the cast of my life with a starring role.

First, I need to say thank you. Thank you for always coming to my locker to check in before class during high school. Thank you for letting me control the music on road trips. Thank you for sharing your family with me, and addressing my family as if you were born into it.

Thank you for patiently listening to the physical embodiment of a broken record when I complain about the same boy I’ve loved since senior year. Thank you for tagging along on every doctor’s appointment, grocery run, and trip to the post office, just because you know that I hate doing things alone.

Thank you for not thinking twice before dialing when I text you “please call me.” Thank you for never saying no to a coffee date. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my better half.

We don't share the same genetic makeup, but after all the sleepovers, heart-to-heart conversations, shopping until our bank accounts cry, and swapping clothes so often that we don’t know what belongs to whom, how could I not consider you family? We have shared some my fondest memories together, and I wouldn’t want them to feature anyone but you.

You’ve been with me on my best days, and loved me on my worst. You know how to make me laugh when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

Picturing sitting in my car with you in the passenger seat makes me long for summer, where we spend three months together doing all of our favorite things. You’ve seen me naked, done my makeup, and warned me before making a poor decision. Being away from you for extended periods of time makes me feel incomplete.

You are a piece of me that I am not quite whole without. You taught me that blood doesn’t make a family; love does.

You know me better than I know myself, which is both amazing and terrifying. You make me realize I’m enough for this world, and that means more to me than I know how to express in the limited words that make up the English language.

You remind me that I am more than my mistakes, and you keep me grounded when I spiral out of control. You’ve helped me carry my burdens along with your own, even when the universe comes down on you full force, way harder than you deserve.

You’re the one I come to for the truth if I think my new dress makes me look fat, and I know you’ll be honest. I trust you with my whole heart. You know the gory details about every boy I’ve ever crushed on, every professor who was an absolute jerk, and every fight I’ve had with my mom.

I wouldn’t make it in this life without someone who already understands and listens to every thought going through my head and each thing I seriously over think, even when you know, though you don’t say, it won’t matter in a week.

With all these affectionate things being said, don’t forget our fights. The few we’ve had were very real. We still don’t see eye to eye on some events of the past, but I never told my mom about it because there was no need to make her choose a side between me and her “second daughter.

We have learned to move forward, because the love we have for each other overwhelmingly outweighs any disagreement we’ve had, and always will.

Through all the tears and laughs, I don’t think that anything the world has to offer could seriously come between us. You go to a different school than me now, and college has rudely gotten in the way of our routine of spending every waking moment together.

Since we met, we’ve grown separately without growing apart. Neither of us are the same person we used to be all those years ago. Even so, we’ve pushed each other to our limits and you’ve given me the courage to keep going and do things that make me happy.

We lean on each other when it’s been a bad day and all we want to do is to snuggle and indulge in whichever show the other is currently watching unceasingly and unabashedly for comfort (it’s the little things). Having you as my co-pilot on this crazy ride called life has been frustrating, exciting, slightly concerning, absolutely insane, and something I don’t know how I would live without, and I don’t intend to find out.

I’ll conclude this letter with a quote from every basic, white girl’s favorite musical, “I don’t know if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Love you forever,

Your sis

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5 Things I Want My Orange Hall Ladies To Know

I absolutely love living in my on-campus apartment, but it is in the same building as pod-style rooms with so many freshmen. These are five things I would love for all the girls that live on my floor to know.

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Living in a dorm is always a mess. There are so many people, lots of hormones, a lot of drama, and so many roommate issues. Your first year in college it can also be an amazing resource for friendships and learning about campus. However, it takes a different turn when you are sophomore living in one of eight apartments in a majoritively first-year, female dorm.

To all my lovely ladies in Orange Hall, here is what I want you to know.

First of all, I know I always look exhausted and a little angry, I promise I am exhausted, but I'm not angry! I adore all of you so much and will take time out of my day to talk to you and make sure you are doing OK, no matter how stressed and mad I look.

Second, it is OK to not adore your roommate as long as you are being kind. We all struggle. It doesn't matter if your roommate is random or your best friend, the rooms are small and you will never agree on everything. Just remember to be kind, patient, and attempt to love your roommate as much as you can — life is hard for everyone in college, roommates shouldn't make it worse.

Third, go to floor events and get to know all the building RAs, Hall Director, and Assistant Hall Director! In Orange especially we are so lucky. Our resident assistants plan such fun events and will go out their way to get to know us. Plus our HD and AHD have office hours often and make sure they're accessible if we have any questions, not to mention that they are hilarious and great to talk to. Just get to know the people that are paid to be around to help you through one of the hardest years of your life!

Four, talk to us "oldies"! There are a lot of sophomores and juniors living in Orange right now and we will share our wisdom with you. We already spent time crying over relationships, trying to navigate classes, and making bad choices — let us help you with the things you are going through!

The last thing is to remember all of us are in college. We are on our own, kind of adults, but not really, and trying to figure things out. All of your feelings are valid and need to be handled well. All of our classes are difficult and we all have so much to do we want to cry. Be overwhelmingly kind and patient, clean up after yourself, validate everyone's opinions, and keep your focus on school, not all the other little things happening in life.

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