To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

Believe it or not, I still care about you.
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Dear ex-friend,

I'm not mad at you, even though maybe I have reason to be. Just like you have reason to be mad at me. And I don't hate you. No matter how many times I thought I did since you stopped texting back. I don’t. Sometimes I miss you.

All the times, I miss you.

Not the you who would go days ignoring me in high school, your face cold and expressionless without offering an explanation as to why. Not the you who was often a compulsive liar. Not the you who liked to make me feel guilty and manipulated.

But the you who never failed to make me laugh. The you that I related to the most. The you that spent hours making long, corny video montages of all the pictures and memories we ever shared with heartfelt messages.

I don’t blame you for not talking to me anymore, either. It still hurts, though. This void is like a heavy sinking pit in my stomach, a black hole sucking up my intestines and still hungry for more. My heart, my lungs, my sanity...

I have no shame in admitting I shed tears for the loss of our friendship. Because you were such a great friend, when you were. One of my best friends. And when you weren’t, I resented you but I still loved you.

Funny how that works.

Strange how you could be the only person I wanted to talk to at times and the last person I wanted to talk to other times. Strange how much we have in common. Sometimes I swore I was looking into a mirror. Maybe that’s why other people in my life felt threatened by you. Because we were almost the same person, you and I. Honestly, it often pissed me off that I wasn’t able to completely figure you out. It wasn’t until I reflected on my own behaviors and mannerisms did I understand just how similar we really are.

So many parallels. Both hardheaded and stubborn as bulls. Both temperamental and emotional. Both so great at putting on a facade so no one would know something was wrong. Both loud and lively one moment and then reserved and distant the very next. Both lonely in our own right. Even though we had each other and a million other oblivious figures surrounding us at all hours of the day. I’m sorry if, in the end, I contributed to that feeling of loneliness.

I hate that I abandoned you. Because you didn’t deserve it, regardless of how many people told me you did. It's really easy to forget how grateful you should be for someone when so many others are in your ear telling you to cut them out of your life. And I fought those voices with everything in me. I fought the judgmental and the disdainful.

I didn’t see the person they saw. They saw someone who became a character, and put on a mask, and danced around for attention. I saw someone who used that mask as a shield, as protection.

I saw someone who was trapped. Someone who used their long fingernails to crack open their thoughts when no one was looking. And to claw for a hand to hold when no one offered theirs. I saw someone who escaped to a corner to lick their injured flesh when they were in pain. I saw someone who just wanted someone to notice these things.

And I did.

But as much as I hate to admit it, you were toxic for me. So maybe all this is for the better.

Please don’t hate me. Even if we never speak again. Just don’t hate me.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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To The Grandmothers Who Made Us The Women We Are Today

Sincerely, the loving granddaughters.
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The relationship between a grandmother and her granddaughter is something so uniquely special and something to be treasured forever.

Your grandma loves you like you are her own daughter and adores you no matter what. She is the first person you run to when you have a problem with your parents and she never fails to grace you with the most comforting advice.

She may be guilty of spoiling you rotten but still makes sure to stress the importance of being thankful and kind.

Your grandma has most likely lived through every obstacle that you are experiencing now as a young adult and always knows just exactly what to say.

She grew up in another generation where things were probably much harder for young women than they are today.

She is a walking example of perseverance, strength, and grace who you aim to be like someday.

Your grandma teaches you the lessons she had to learn the hard way because she does not want you to make the same mistakes she did when she was growing up.

Her hugs never fail to warm your heart, her smile never fails to make you smile, and her laugh never fails to brighten your day.

She inspires you to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

You only hope that one day you can be the mother and grandmother she was to you.

A piece of girl’s heart will forever belong to her grandma that no one could ever replace.

She is the matriarch of your family and is the glue that holds you all together.

Grandmothers play such an important role in helping their granddaughters to grow into strong, intelligent, kind women.

She teaches you how to love and how to forgive.

Without the unconditional love of your grandma, you would not be the woman you are today.

To all of the grandmothers out there, thank you for being you.

Sincerely,

the loving granddaughters

Cover Image Credit: Carlie Konuch

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Hate To Break It To You, But There Will Always Be Something That Gets In The Way Of Your Happiness

The existence of a roadblock isn't an issue, but your reaction to it can be.

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Ever had a bad day that turns into a bad week that turns into a bad month? Sometimes it really feels like you can never catch a break. Well... if you have a negative attitude.

Your life will never simple or easy. You're going to have to fight for what you want. You're going to be brought down to your lowest lows. Life is going to throw you into a washing machine, and see if you can still stand up when the cycle is done. Terrible situations help us appreciate everything good we have in our lives.

Here's the thing: There will always be opposition to your happiness.

I know that sucks to hear, but it's just how things work. Whether it's a family member, a friend, or a complete stranger, someone will always have a problem with what you're doing. People have differences of opinion. The existence of a roadblock isn't an issue, but your reaction to it can be.

What I mean is that the large majority of the time, you can shake the opposition off. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't let them bother you. When you shut down or change your behavior every time someone has an issue with it, you give them the power to control you. You sacrifice your own happiness.

People will treat you how you let them treat you. So show them what is and isn't acceptable.

Now, let's talk about the situations where you can't just figuratively flip someone off. When someone you really care about and love doesn't support you, it really hurts. Believe me, I've been there. You can't just say, "I don't care," because you don't want to ruin your relationship with them. But you also don't want to give in, because this is a situation you feel really passionate about.

My advice? Give them time to process the situation.

Maybe your behavior was a little shocking to them at first, but after a while, they'll accept it. If they love you, care about you, and want the best for you, they will accept it. Just make sure you emphasize how important it is to you, or else they still might try to change your mind.

Do what you love to do, be yourself, and try not to let the opposition get to you.

Cover Image Credit:

Nick Preite

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