To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

Believe it or not, I still care about you.
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Dear ex-friend,

I'm not mad at you, even though maybe I have reason to be. Just like you have reason to be mad at me. And I don't hate you. No matter how many times I thought I did since you stopped texting back. I don’t. Sometimes I miss you.

All the times, I miss you.

Not the you who would go days ignoring me in high school, your face cold and expressionless without offering an explanation as to why. Not the you who was often a compulsive liar. Not the you who liked to make me feel guilty and manipulated.

But the you who never failed to make me laugh. The you that I related to the most. The you that spent hours making long, corny video montages of all the pictures and memories we ever shared with heartfelt messages.

I don’t blame you for not talking to me anymore, either. It still hurts, though. This void is like a heavy sinking pit in my stomach, a black hole sucking up my intestines and still hungry for more. My heart, my lungs, my sanity...

I have no shame in admitting I shed tears for the loss of our friendship. Because you were such a great friend, when you were. One of my best friends. And when you weren’t, I resented you but I still loved you.

Funny how that works.

Strange how you could be the only person I wanted to talk to at times and the last person I wanted to talk to other times. Strange how much we have in common. Sometimes I swore I was looking into a mirror. Maybe that’s why other people in my life felt threatened by you. Because we were almost the same person, you and I. Honestly, it often pissed me off that I wasn’t able to completely figure you out. It wasn’t until I reflected on my own behaviors and mannerisms did I understand just how similar we really are.

So many parallels. Both hardheaded and stubborn as bulls. Both temperamental and emotional. Both so great at putting on a facade so no one would know something was wrong. Both loud and lively one moment and then reserved and distant the very next. Both lonely in our own right. Even though we had each other and a million other oblivious figures surrounding us at all hours of the day. I’m sorry if, in the end, I contributed to that feeling of loneliness.

I hate that I abandoned you. Because you didn’t deserve it, regardless of how many people told me you did. It's really easy to forget how grateful you should be for someone when so many others are in your ear telling you to cut them out of your life. And I fought those voices with everything in me. I fought the judgmental and the disdainful.

I didn’t see the person they saw. They saw someone who became a character, and put on a mask, and danced around for attention. I saw someone who used that mask as a shield, as protection.

I saw someone who was trapped. Someone who used their long fingernails to crack open their thoughts when no one was looking. And to claw for a hand to hold when no one offered theirs. I saw someone who escaped to a corner to lick their injured flesh when they were in pain. I saw someone who just wanted someone to notice these things.

And I did.

But as much as I hate to admit it, you were toxic for me. So maybe all this is for the better.

Please don’t hate me. Even if we never speak again. Just don’t hate me.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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An Open Letter to the Best Friend I Didn't See Coming

Some people come into your life and change you forever—thanks, bestie.
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Dear best friend,

I wasn't expecting you when God placed you in my life. I had my friends. I had my people. I wasn't exactly open to the idea of new meaningful friendships because I had the ones I needed, and it didn't seem like I really needed anybody new.

Thank God that was false. Sometimes you meet people and you just know that you're going to be good friends with. Sometimes you meet people and you realize that there is no such thing as chance. I think God has a funny way of making it seem as if the things that happen to us are by chance, but honestly, that’s a load of crap. If the biggest moments of our lives were left up to chance, then I believe that would make God out to seem as if he didn’t care. It would make it seem as if He was truly abandoning me and making me face some of my most important seasons fully isolated. But you, best friend, are a true testament to the fact that God doesn’t just leave such important aspects up to chance. Thank you for taking a chance on our friendship, and thank you for allowing me to take a chance on what I didn’t realize would be the most impactful friendship in my entire life.

Thank you for being real with me. Thank you for not sugar coating things. Thank you for telling me when I have a bad attitude. Thank you for loving me through my mistakes. Thank you for supporting me in my decisions, even if it isn’t always the decision you would make. Thank you for wanting the best for me, and for making that your true intent behind the words that you say to me, whether they be constructive criticism or encouragement.

Thank you for being a goof with me. Thank you for putting me first. Thank you for seeing the importance of our friendship. Thank you for making time in your schedule for us to just sit and do homework, eat Mexican food, or sit on the porch and listen to music that emotionally wrecks you.

You’re one of a kind. You’re a shoulder to lean on. You’re a safe place. You’re a free spirit. You’re rough and tough, but your heart melts for the people you love and it’s obvious. You’re more than meets the eye. You are worth getting to know. You are worth loving. You pursue people. You are passionate about your future. You are everything that a person needs, and I really thank God that for some reason you continue to choose to be in my life. Thank you for literally dragging me up my mountains of fear when I want to stay exactly where I am at and wallow in the sadness. You bring joy—true joy—wherever you go. You are my best friend, confidant, and biggest fan. You will be the Maid of Honor, Godmother, and fun Aunt.

I used to think lifelong friendships weren’t really a thing. It just seemed like people always grew apart and forever was never a point that was attainable. Best friends forever is a cliché phrase that is continuously overused nowadays (sometimes, I even used to make light of it), but thanks for making that a reality. You are truly the best friend I could have asked for. So thank you for it all. You make life more fun, and I couldn’t thank God more for making an incredible human, friends with me.

I love you, pal!

JQ

Cover Image Credit: Julia Dee Qualls

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A Letter To My Ex-Best Friend

I wish things had ended differently.

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You were my best friend for eleven years. We grew up together, hit milestones together, and did everything together. We helped each other through our parents' divorces, the struggles of high school, mental health breakdowns, and everything else that was thrown at us. Whenever I needed a pick me up, you were the one I went to.

You were a part of my family. You could walk right into my house and no one would even bat an eye. You fought with my brother the way I did and messed with my parents the way I did. You would even text my sister. Most of my family vacations included you. I got into some huge trouble with you, but we also thrived together.

We helped each other choose outfits. I dragged you along to all my dates because I was way too nervous to go alone. We had so many nights of endless laughter over things that really weren't even funny.

You were my person.

But high school changed things. We began to gravitate towards separate friend groups. No more good morning texts, no more venting about the annoying girl in your first period that had a crush on the same boy as you. I stopped hearing about your boy drama.

And one day it stopped completely.

When we saw each other in the hallways, we pretended we didn't. Our memories faded and became just that; memories. We stopped asking each other's lunch plans and making plans with each other in general. We once knew so much about each other we couldn't even tell where one person started and the other ended. But now we're strangers.

And boy, do I miss you.

A lot of people feel bitterness towards their ex-best friends. Angry at the way things ended. I just feel a longing for the way things once were. Yes, our friendship didn't really end in the most civil way. But that doesn't take away from the years of tears, laughter, family vacations, and countless memories we made.

I don't feel angry at you, I just wish we never lost each other.

I think about you a lot. Whenever I see you in passing or on social media, I think about what things may have been like if we never parted ways. I think about how strong our friendship would have been. And it honestly breaks my heart.

I want you to know I have no hard feelings towards you. I know things will never be the same, but I will cherish our memories forever.

Thank you for being such a huge part of my life.

Thank you for not only helping me grow up but growing up alongside me as well.

Thank you for getting me through the tough times, from my parents' divorce to something as simple as a middle school break up.

Thank you for being my person for my entire childhood. You are the reason I'm here today and I will never forget that.

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