To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

Believe it or not, I still care about you.
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Dear ex-friend,

I'm not mad at you, even though maybe I have reason to be. Just like you have reason to be mad at me. And I don't hate you. No matter how many times I thought I did since you stopped texting back. I don’t. Sometimes I miss you.

All the times, I miss you.

Not the you who would go days ignoring me in high school, your face cold and expressionless without offering an explanation as to why. Not the you who was often a compulsive liar. Not the you who liked to make me feel guilty and manipulated.

But the you who never failed to make me laugh. The you that I related to the most. The you that spent hours making long, corny video montages of all the pictures and memories we ever shared with heartfelt messages.

I don’t blame you for not talking to me anymore, either. It still hurts, though. This void is like a heavy sinking pit in my stomach, a black hole sucking up my intestines and still hungry for more. My heart, my lungs, my sanity...

I have no shame in admitting I shed tears for the loss of our friendship. Because you were such a great friend, when you were. One of my best friends. And when you weren’t, I resented you but I still loved you.

Funny how that works.

Strange how you could be the only person I wanted to talk to at times and the last person I wanted to talk to other times. Strange how much we have in common. Sometimes I swore I was looking into a mirror. Maybe that’s why other people in my life felt threatened by you. Because we were almost the same person, you and I. Honestly, it often pissed me off that I wasn’t able to completely figure you out. It wasn’t until I reflected on my own behaviors and mannerisms did I understand just how similar we really are.

So many parallels. Both hardheaded and stubborn as bulls. Both temperamental and emotional. Both so great at putting on a facade so no one would know something was wrong. Both loud and lively one moment and then reserved and distant the very next. Both lonely in our own right. Even though we had each other and a million other oblivious figures surrounding us at all hours of the day. I’m sorry if, in the end, I contributed to that feeling of loneliness.

I hate that I abandoned you. Because you didn’t deserve it, regardless of how many people told me you did. It's really easy to forget how grateful you should be for someone when so many others are in your ear telling you to cut them out of your life. And I fought those voices with everything in me. I fought the judgmental and the disdainful.

I didn’t see the person they saw. They saw someone who became a character, and put on a mask, and danced around for attention. I saw someone who used that mask as a shield, as protection.

I saw someone who was trapped. Someone who used their long fingernails to crack open their thoughts when no one was looking. And to claw for a hand to hold when no one offered theirs. I saw someone who escaped to a corner to lick their injured flesh when they were in pain. I saw someone who just wanted someone to notice these things.

And I did.

But as much as I hate to admit it, you were toxic for me. So maybe all this is for the better.

Please don’t hate me. Even if we never speak again. Just don’t hate me.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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6 Signs You Need To End Your Friendship

Subtle ways to tell if your friend is a narcissist
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In your life, you will more likely than not run into people who do nothing but hurt you and bring you down. These people slowly become toxic to you, even if you don’t notice at first, and chances are they might be a narcissist. There comes a point where you will need to cut these individuals off for the betterment of yourself. If your friend does several of the things below, it might be time to reevaluate your friendship!

1. They are extremely self-centered

Everything this person does revolve around them. If it doesn’t help them out or make them look better they won’t bother with it.

Example: This person might come into your home/apartment to talk to your roommate and only acknowledge your presence when they want to brag about themselves to you, or only come over when they need something from you.

2. They feel like they are superior to you

Even if you have a better paying job or more fulfilling lifestyle, this person will always let you know that they are better than you. They are always in the right and will argue their point to the ground if need be. Because of this, often times they are quite condescending as well.

Example: Arguing with you on a topic that you clearly know more about and talking down to you in a demeaning tone.


3. They forever play the role of the victim

It doesn’t matter if they were actually the ones to cause trouble, these individuals will twist the story around and make sure everyone sees how “wounded” they are, convincing others that they are actually the victim. This person will consistently place the blame on other people.

Example: They might flirt hard-core with different guys in their room all night, but when their boyfriend breaks up with them it’s not because she blew him off for other guys, it’s because he was because he was being a jerk.

4. They are never there for you

Like mentioned earlier, if it doesn’t benefit them this person doesn’t care. If you need them or want to talk, they might leave you hanging. Emotional support will sound fake or not come from them at all.

Example: You might ask your “friend” to hang out only to find them blowing you off for no reason at all or for somebody else who is going to give them something in return for their time (party invites, food, popularity, etc). It isn’t uncommon for them to be deceiving about this and not often tell you their real reason for not wanting to see you.

5. They are two-faced

This individual can sometimes seem as sweet as can be upfront, but don’t tell them anything important, they might have a habit of using it against you. Trash talking you behind your back is also very common and to be expected.

Example: You tell this person something extremely personal and they turn around and immediately tell everyone they know, disregarding any promises made about secrecy.

6. They make you question yourself

Are they really a bad person, or are you just overreacting? Most of the time, these people know what they’re doing (either consciously or subconsciously) and use it as a tactic to manipulate you.

Example: Something you said with good intentions can be turned into an insult and that person may make you blame yourself for not saying the right thing.

If you go through this list and notice that you do every single one of these things to other people, then I hate to break it to you but you're probably a narcissist

Cover Image Credit: Photo by Ashley Williams from Pexels

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My New Found Party Crowd

I will forever be thankful for the uncomfortable nights that turned into complete comfort thanks to y’all.
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First off, I want to thank you for making me get out of my comfort zone and making me life live again as a 22 year old. I want to thank you for attacking me anytime you see me walk into the bar after a long night at work even though I told you I wasn’t coming out. I thank you for all the long hugs, the slow dances we endure together, and all the heart to heart talks we share with each other.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for y’all I would still be lost and confused. I would be depressed everyday because I don’t deal with change very well.

You and took me under your wings and taught me how to fly again, and for that I will be forever thankful. Without you, I wouldn’t know myself again and I wouldn’t love myself. Without you I wouldn’t view myself worthy.

You’ve taught me that I deserve so much more than what I allow in my life, and you’ll never know how much that means to me.

Growing together is something I haven’t had with many people, especially not recently. My ex took that from me. And to know that people do accept me for who I really am brings a whole new light into my life. Moving to this small town has shown me a lot about life, and most of that is happiness isn’t always about yourself, it’s about who you surround yourself with. Y’all are my happiness. On my darkest days, I know atleast one, if not ten, of you are just a phone call away. You bring me joy, peace, and happiness. You bring light to my darkness. You bring calm to my madness.

I will forever be thankful for the uncomfortable nights that turned into complete comfort thanks to y’all.

Cover Image Credit: pexels.com

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