To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

To The Toxic Ex-Friend I Still Think About And Miss

Believe it or not, I still care about you.

Dear ex-friend,

I'm not mad at you, even though maybe I have reason to be. Just like you have reason to be mad at me. And I don't hate you. No matter how many times I thought I did since you stopped texting back. I don’t. Sometimes I miss you.

All the times, I miss you.

Not the you who would go days ignoring me in high school, your face cold and expressionless without offering an explanation as to why. Not the you who was often a compulsive liar. Not the you who liked to make me feel guilty and manipulated.

But the you who never failed to make me laugh. The you that I related to the most. The you that spent hours making long, corny video montages of all the pictures and memories we ever shared with heartfelt messages.

I don’t blame you for not talking to me anymore, either. It still hurts, though. This void is like a heavy sinking pit in my stomach, a black hole sucking up my intestines and still hungry for more. My heart, my lungs, my sanity...

I have no shame in admitting I shed tears for the loss of our friendship. Because you were such a great friend, when you were. One of my best friends. And when you weren’t, I resented you but I still loved you.

Funny how that works.

Strange how you could be the only person I wanted to talk to at times and the last person I wanted to talk to other times. Strange how much we have in common. Sometimes I swore I was looking into a mirror. Maybe that’s why other people in my life felt threatened by you. Because we were almost the same person, you and I. Honestly, it often pissed me off that I wasn’t able to completely figure you out. It wasn’t until I reflected on my own behaviors and mannerisms did I understand just how similar we really are.

So many parallels. Both hardheaded and stubborn as bulls. Both temperamental and emotional. Both so great at putting on a facade so no one would know something was wrong. Both loud and lively one moment and then reserved and distant the very next. Both lonely in our own right. Even though we had each other and a million other oblivious figures surrounding us at all hours of the day. I’m sorry if, in the end, I contributed to that feeling of loneliness.

I hate that I abandoned you. Because you didn’t deserve it, regardless of how many people told me you did. It's really easy to forget how grateful you should be for someone when so many others are in your ear telling you to cut them out of your life. And I fought those voices with everything in me. I fought the judgmental and the disdainful.

I didn’t see the person they saw. They saw someone who became a character, and put on a mask, and danced around for attention. I saw someone who used that mask as a shield, as protection.

I saw someone who was trapped. Someone who used their long fingernails to crack open their thoughts when no one was looking. And to claw for a hand to hold when no one offered theirs. I saw someone who escaped to a corner to lick their injured flesh when they were in pain. I saw someone who just wanted someone to notice these things.

And I did.

But as much as I hate to admit it, you were toxic for me. So maybe all this is for the better.

Please don’t hate me. Even if we never speak again. Just don’t hate me.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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8 Completely Necessary Texts College Girls Send To Roommates Everyday To Survive

"Who threw away my to-go box?"

Moving into a new apartment, dorm, or house with roommates call for sleepless nights, endless laughs, and last but not least infinite questions and conversations.

College roommates are people who could potentially be your bridesmaid, groomsman, or best friend for life.

With technology on the rise, texting makes it easier for roomies to communicate, even if they're in the same place as you are.

1. "Where are you? When are you going to be home?"

In reality, college can actually be pretty lonely. Especially if you're best friends with your roommates, you tend to get pretty bored and lonely if they're not home. You find yourself with nobody to talk to and nothing to do except twiddle your thumbs through a different social media app every 30 seconds.

2. "Whose clothes are in the washing machine?"

Living with multiple people means laundry piles up QUICK. Girls tend to try on 10 outfits a day before finally deciding on one. If they're anything like me they, they will throw their clean clothes in the dirty hamper rather than hanging them back up. Walking to the washing machine with an armful of clothing and seeing the washer is already occupied can often be frustrating and inconvenient. Having to drop your clothes to send out the "whose clothes are in the washer?" text is almost necessary a few times a week.

If you're tight with your roommates and know whose clothes they are (because you have borrowed half of their wardrobes) then they're usually okay with you switching the clothes over to the dryer for them.

3. "Who threw away my to-go box?"

Eating out in college can be pricey, so college students tend to take any amount of food they have left over back home with them. With every person bringing home food a few times a week, the fridge gets too packed to store any food in.Throwing away food based on how long you've seen it on there tends to be pretty common among roommates. Sometimes, they're mistaken and throw away the wrong white box considering they all look the same. There are not many feelings worse than finally getting home to eat your left overs that you've been craving since your 11 a.m just to find out it's been thrown out.

4. "Can I look in your closet?"

Having multiple wardrobes to pick from can make picking out an outfit to go out in that much easier....or harder. Roommate's closets give you access to so many more outfit combinations. It's even better if your roomies share the same shoe size as you. SCORE!!!

Worst case scenario, you still can't find anything to wear and you go to your local Forever21 and pick up a cheap clubbing outfit that will probably fall apart after its first wash.

5. "Can you do the dishes?"

Dishes piling up in the sink is not only annoying but it stinks after a few days. In most cases, there's always that one "mom" or "dad" roommate who usually has to take charge and do it. If every roommate is constantly having to clean up after the messier one, it's time to send them that "Can you do the dishes?" text.

6. "Do you wanna go eat?"

Eating Panera is a lot more enjoyable when you have a buddy to share conversation with over your bread bowl. Texting the group message "Who wants to go eat?" is probably the easiest way to find somebody to come with you. Roommates will typically come through 9/10 times because a long day of class can really work up an appetite.

If your roommates let you down, UberEats is always an option if you're feeling boujee and don't want to feel like a loner in public.

7. "Can you keep the noise down?"

In high-school, studying for tests wasn't exactly necessary if you wanted to pass. On the other hand, if one is wishing to pass a class in college, then studying is a major key! Loud music, laughing, and screaming are just a few of the possible distractions that roommates can cause during your study time.

8. "Are y'all dressing cute or no?"

Sometimes girls like to dress up randomly simply just to go grab a bite to eat or run to the mall. Other times, girls like to wear t-shirts down to the knees and have people question whether they are homeless or not. No girl likes to be the odd one out by being over-dressed or under-dressed. So getting everybody's input on how they're dressing before hand will really help a girl out!



Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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Pump Up The Cheer

For my last team and coaches - my second family, my heart.

I have been a cheerleader since I was 5. I am now 21 years old and can say that I have successfully been flipping my body around for 17 years. It is finally time, after those many years, to hang up the towel and move on to newer things, but I do not want to do so without reflecting on my last year with my last team. Each year at TCNJ was a great year, filled with lots of friendships and laughter, but nothing will compare with this last year. I am dedicating this article to my last team, my second family, my heart.

This season was an incredible road from start to finish, full of twists and turns. It was the first time in a long time that so many new people came in with such enthusiasm and love for the sport. That was surprising but definitely heartwarming. I began to really look forward to camp to see what this team could do and show off in front of other teams, and boy did we show off. We swept our division and got first in everything. Not only did we do well based on the results, but we had fun bonding. Never had I ever had so much fun at a camp. It was truly incredible to leave camp on such a high note, which was a great way to start the season.

When we got back to TCNJ, there was never a dull moment. We continued to bring the fun and energy to our practices, to our games, and to our community service events. These girls, my teammates, made cheering the greatest thing in my life, and for that, I am forever grateful. This past summer and semester, they gave me something to look forward to and be excited about, at a time when I was struggling. Coming back from studying abroad can be some of the lowest moments of a person's life, but I was lucky; I had my team to lift up my spirits. Every time I was sad this past semester, I would go to cheer and be instantly in a better mood. My second family always knows how to bring smiles to people's faces.

These girls have some of the craziest antics that I have ever seen. Sometimes, I would forget that we are all in college. It does not matter though because I love the antics, whether it is goofing around and talking to Marissa's vlog, making obstacle courses, or even making fun of my pupils or strange faces. I enjoy all of it, but of course my favorite would have to be "Pump Up the Jam," hence the title of this article. Around Christmas time, Jamie came to practice with a little extra energy. She started running around in a circle singing this song. Our wonderful coaches decided to indulge her and put the song on. Ever since, we have started all of our practices with "Pump Up the Jam" and done fun dance moves to go along with it. To be honest, I cannot even imagine anything more joyful than starting my days that way every day, and I would like to thank Jamie ten times over for coming up with the great idea.

We eventually headed down to Disney, and the enthusiasm just continued to increase. I had a great time with my team the entire time, even with barely any sleep (and the sleep I did manage to get was in a bathtub). We had fun at our meals, bonding with our hibachi chef and Mickey and Stitch. Even with all the fun we had, cheer never took a backseat. We knew what our mission was and had our eyes set on the prize. We had some of our best practices down in Florida, and on Saturday, we put our hearts on that mat. It might not have been what we had wanted to happen, but everyone saw our spirit, which was so strong. I have never felt that kind of energy on a mat before. I left that mat with no regrets because I was out there with my team that I love so much. I am proud of what we did because it reflected the enthusiasm and love we have had for each other from day one. What more could I ask for in my last year? To have that feeling on the mat after 17 years means everything.

So, I just want to thank all of you - my twenty teammates and my three coaches. Thank you for the best last season ever. Thank you for your joy and spirit. Thank you for your determination. Thank you for never giving up on each other during the hard times. Coaches, thank you for always pushing us to be our best, for always believing in us, and for catching us when we felt like we were falling. Thank you all for your friendship, laughter, and love. Thank you for being my family. I love you all very much, and I will miss each and everyone of you dearly. Bring it home next year. I believe in you; shoot for redemption.

Cover Image Credit: Melody Epley

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