Dear reader,
When you come face to face with the mess you’ve made, that is the one time where you feel like you’re in 10 different places at once. Your mind is racing, you’ve placed yourself in front of a brick wall, and you feel like you’ve tried your utmost hardest to change your wrong doings. I for one, have not only narrowed down the times I thought I could prove myself wrong but I have also given myself a daily reminder to do things differently. And yes, making these little mental notes are easier said than done, but grasping onto hope for yourself is the easiest thing to hold onto and can be the easiest thing to lose.
Each and every person is entitled to think what they want, believe what they want and approach a suitable remedy for owning up to their mistakes. When it comes to people other than themselves, the story differs. An outside perspective may appear black and white or plain and simple, but there is always a gray area. An area where we are not capable of putting ourselves in other’s shoes. Why? Because we strongly hold our rights to feel, say and preach what we want to. We are allowed to be angry and defend those we love and care about. We are all passionate individuals who will fight to no end to claim what we believe is rightfully ours. We fight for forgiveness, love, apologies, understanding, sympathy, justice, acceptance, courage, humility, attention, etc.
Having to look ourselves in the mirror and know the disappointment and heartache we’ve caused someone, is no easy venture. No one takes it lightly and no one can possibly understand the internal conflict. A conflict that goes like this: You have a to-do list and you need to mark off every single task. You have all day to do everything, and you could finish it over the course of three hours. But here’s the catch: you don’t have all day and you don’t have three hours. You have three minutes. How are you supposed to finish a full list of tasks in three minutes?
So in result, your mind goes too fast for your body to catch up. As each minute on the clock counts down, you are faced with zero options. Your first thought isn’t to just do what you can in three minutes, your first thought is, “How the hell do I finish all of this in three minutes?” Internal conflict: you get stuck, you breakdown, you don’t know where to start and you’re not a super hero so you can’t stop time and do the impossible. You’re at a loss because you are the one giving yourself those three minutes. You are the one who is not able to take one more step forward because you can’t. You just can’t…but you’re not doing it on purpose.
No one chooses to make it harder on themselves. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, “What a great day to continue drowning in my misery.” Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone messes up — some more than others. Everyone makes the mistake to take it out on the people they love. Everyone has to face their actions and face the disappointment from others. When we are at our lowest, rather than admitting our mistakes were disappointing, we tend to identify as the disappointment. But in the end there is no one to blame and no one to take it out on. We carry ourselves in the best way we can, even if the best we do, is the least we can handle. We all carry burdens that no one has the right to judge us on. Each and every person is climbing up their own hill, trying to get to the top and it is not within our rights to drag them back down.
You grow and you learn. You forgive and forget. You learn to be OK again. And you come face-to-face with disappointment and identify yourself with humility and strength because no one can take you down but yourself.
Sincerely,
Doing the best she can
