I am sorry.
I am really sorry.
I am sorry I am worthless, and I am sorry I am not good enough.
As many times as I could say I am sorry, I want this one to go out to everyone that is affected by my anxiety.
I can't remember a time when I didn't have anxiety. I cant remember a time when I was normal, in fact I don't even know what normal is.
I don't know why or what I keep doing so very wrong, but everyone always seems to leave me eventually, and I have learned to just accept that, and accept the fact that I only have myself, which is a scary thought for someone who can't even trust their self.
When I refer to my anxiety though, I am not talking about the things that I am scared of or the tests that make me nervous, or any situations that make me nervous. I am not talking about the kind of anxiousness that basically everyone faces in their lifetime.
I am not talking about the anxiety that everyone seems to self diagnose themselves with these days.
I am talking about a medical diagnosis that affects every single aspect of my life in one way or another.
Maybe you've even noticed the random outbursts of crying, or the nail biting, and the canceling of plans last minute, maybe even noticed how I will do almost anything just to simply stay at home. Maybe you've seen me unable to do simple things alone in public places, such as simply ordering what I want to eat from a fast food restaurant.
I try my best to hide my struggles and to keep it all to myself, but I know that it is noticed, because it's such a task to hide.
Sometimes I do such a great job at hiding it, you may forget that it's even there, but other days, when the walls are caving in, it is very hard to hide.
To the very few people that have actually stayed by my side through my struggles thank you.
Even to those who promised that I would be the first person to walk out of the friendship, thank you for leaving me.
The purpose of this letter is for me to be fair to you, I want you to understand and get a feel for the battle that I put up everyday, just to simply get by.
I don't want to be looked down upon anymore when I have relapses, and maybe if people around me get a better feel for the struggle that anxiety truly is, then maybe less people will leave me, and by leave I mean cut off all contact and run as far away as they can because they are smart, normal people, and I am a reckless self destructive person, because I have an illness that causes me to do so.
Anxiety is like that moment your chair almost tips over, and you start to panic for a little bit, except it never stops.
Anxiety is like an ocean, and when it hits I won't lie, I struggle to keep my head above the water. Every thing, seems to be out of my control, and it is overwhelming, every breathe feels like I am just one breath away from drowning.
The words "calm down" in fact do not calm me down, they make the situation so much worse. Those words force me to struggle even more and it is like that water rises a little more, and I start drowning even more and more.
It should be obvious but please never forget that if I could simply just stop my anxiety, then I would have done so a very long time ago.
These emotions that I feel and these battles that I face are not some choice that I make, why would anyone want to make the choice of battling with this illness.
I am not a victim, but I am certainly not a willing participant.
I have invited you into my life, but please remember the damage that you do by cutting yourself completely off from me.
When I open up to you and say that I trust you, don't take that lightly, leaving is like destroying me, and if you don't want to be in my life any longer, be upfront about it, don't just walk out and leave no word on why, don't leave me feeling worthless.
I have invited you into my life, but please stop using phrases such as calm down, or any phrase that implies that I need to control my anxiety, because if I could control it, my battle would have been over long ago.
If I isolate myself from you, don't hesitate to reach out to me, I only isolated myself because my anxiety told me I am burdening you, and that I am bothering you and that you hate me, therefore I pull away.
I don't want to burden anyone, and feeling like I am annoying the people i care about the most, hurts more than you'll ever know.
Isolating myself because my anxiety talked me into it, does more harm to me than it does good.
Anxiety tells me that everyone hates me.
Anxiety tells me that I am worthless.
Anxiety tells me that I am a burden.
Anxiety tells me that I am annoying.
This list could go on for miles, but those small reminders that I am none of those things, really do mean the world.
Your actions and words can affect someones anxiety, just as much as my anxiety can affect you, it is an illness.
A true medical illness, not a self diagnosis.
When I tell you I have anxiety, don't take it lightly, and don't make me feel bad or out of control because I cannot control my struggles.
Sometimes, medicines, and therapy doesn't help, it only makes it worse.
Please don't be offended when I tell you that I don't want to talk about it.
Again, I am sorry for all of the trouble I have caused.