Dear Kind Yet Aggravating Stranger,

I get it; you're trying to be nice. I get it; we go to a Catholic school, which means we all need to be extra nice to each other. I get it; some of the doors are quite heavy and can be hard to get open when it's windy. I get it; opening and closing and reopening the doors all the time brings unnecessary drafts into buildings.

However, why do you feel the need to be this nice that you are literally standing in the doorway for half a century waiting for me to get there? Are you trying to prove to me that you're strong enough to hold a door open for four times as long as a normal person? Don't you want to get to Erbert and Gerbert's before it closes for the night? Did your priest assign this to you as penance for your sins? Do you feel you've personally wronged me in some way, either in this life or a past one? If that is the case, 1) how dare you? and 2) don't you think there's a better way to repay me (buying my textbooks, paying for my housing, etc.)?

Or, are you just trying to fill your inherent need of feeling like you've helped someone? Well, if so, you picked the wrong girl to help, buddy. I'm walking slowly to the union entrance, already thoroughly exerted from procrastinating the paper I have to write, when I see you pull open the door, stop, and look back at me expectantly. Oh no, I think. Is he holding the door for me? I can't really tell if that's what you're doing since I'm basically a mile away still. As I come near enough to discern the action taking place, outrage begins to set in. Everybody knows that if someone is holding the door for you, you pick up your pace as to not keep the person waiting for too long. Although I should just make you wait for me since I never even asked you to hold the door, my instinct is to pick up my pace to a light jog. You have the audacity to make me do cardio when it's clearly leg day? Did you even take the time to notice I'm wearing fuzzy socks and Birkenstocks, which are clearly not ideal running footwear? Not only did you fail to notice my lack of running shoes, but you also failed to notice that I have arms with hands on the ends of them which also have fingers that can grip things such as door handles.

With all these thoughts crowding my mind, I finally make it to the door, out of breath, heart rate probably in the fat-burning zone. Your expectant stare is giving me the same feeling of anxiety as my track coach yelling at me during the 100 meter dash gave me. I've never even run track in my life, but I imagine that's what it would feel like. Anyways, I decide to internalize my ungrateful thoughts and just say, "Thanks!" because I'm all for letting things go. But then something else happens.

I notice there's another set of doors. Now panic mode is really setting in. I just thanked you for opening the first door for me, and now, due to you walking in before me, you're about to hold the next door for me. Do you expect me to thank you a second time, or does the first 'thanks' cover both doors being held? If I say 'thanks' again, you might think I'm being too thankful, but if I don't say it again, you might think I'm a terrible person. Why would you put me through this agony?

I end up just going with my gut, and I thank you a second time. I figure that since it's almost Thanksgiving, I can get away with being a little redundant with my thanking. But don't let the double thanking make you think you've done me a great service.

I'm sorry if you really were just trying to be a good guy. But, you see, the better thing to do would have been to let me fend for myself. What happens if I forget how to open doors myself due to everyone always opening them for me? I'm in college now, sir, so I'm basically a grown-up. As a grown-up, I need to learn to hold doors all by myself, just like I need to learn to do laundry by myself, clean my bathroom by myself, and buy groceries by myself. The only difference is that I probably wouldn’t be upset if you wanted to help me with any of those household tasks.

Sincerely,

A Grown-Up College Student Who Just Wanted Some Chicken Tenders From The Union, Not An Extra Workout and An Internal Crisis