Dear Friends,
Have you ever thought about how many text messages you send in a full day? I mean in a full 24 hours, how many text messages do you send in total? I’d estimate somewhere between a decent amount and an unhealthy amount you don’t care to admit. Relax, this isn’t an intervention on your excessive usage of technology. Because I care about us, though, I think we should acknowledge our issues. Please know this is the only time I think the excuse “It’s not you, it’s me” is appropriate to use. Don’t worry, I’m not breaking up with you. I think there’s just some miscommunication between us. Even though I haven’t responded to the 16 vociferously toned text messages you’ve sent within the last hour, I hope you understand why I haven’t answered you. (If I didn’t answer the first five text messages, what gave you the inclination that I would answer the next 11?) No, I didn’t go MIA and I promise no one stole my phone. I could say the reason I haven’t been answering you back is that I’m notorious for being an awful texter or that I ran out of gifs to send, but to be brutally honest, texting is way too time-consuming for someone with a schedule as structured as mine.
Speaking of not having free time, I’m just wondering what exactly it is you all do when you’re not continuously watching hours of Netflix or enjoying a daily nap or two. I don’t know about you all, but with a long day full of scheduled classes, club meetings, staff meetings, work and potentially lunch if time allows, I’m constantly running around with a mind assorted with plenty of “do I have everything I need?”s and “what do I need to accomplish today?”s I’m sorry, but having a 12-hour conversation with every single one of you was not on that so called to-do list. More importantly, if I'm not answering, I'm most likely having a conversation with someone in the same room as I. I don't want to be rude and devote my attention elsewhere at the moment, so it is often common I forget to respond. In addition, I already saw you today, what else could you possibly have to communicate with me?
Even if you did not see me, I'm confident you crept on my social media to see if I'm still breathing and what exactly I've been doing in the last 24 hours. (No, I’m not cheating on you with another friend. Trust me, I’m ignoring all of you equally). Doesn’t opening my selfie on snapchat offer an alternative to seeing me, though? I’m sure you’d agree with the sense that it's most likely I’ll update my social media because it collectively allows you all to infer "hey, I'm okay!" without having to text message each friend individually. It’s a strenuous process, really.
Now I’ll confess, my phone is typically attached to the palm of my hand such that surgery might not even be able to remove it from that hand. With that being said, yes, I saw your text message, but I didn’t sense an urgency to respond immediately from a bunch of emojis. (I know, I know, if you wanted me to take a month to reply, you would have sent your message by carrier pigeon). I will tell you this, though: in the case of an emergency, you can just call me…or dial 9-1-1 because they’ll probably answer first.
In all seriousness, no matter how many times during the week we talk, your friendship is what encourages me to endure the extensive week ahead of me. Just know that if I haven't responded, I'm still thinking about you. I hope we can still be friends.
Love Always,
The worst texter in the universe
