It was one of the warmer days of fall, where you can sit outside in shorts and a t-shirt and forget that winter is coming in the next month or so. You knew who I was and, in fact, we were pretty good friends. You were interested in someone else at the time, but I didn't care. It wasn't until the leaves fell from the trees and the ponds were covered in ice did you completely come into my life. Sometimes we would go sledding and drink hot chai tea to warm up or some days we would just watch movies and rant about the things that bothered us.
It wasn't until later that I realized that I was falling hard and fast for you. Everything about you, from your easy-going attitude to your laugh made me fall in love with you. I knew that I could tell you about myself and my past decisions without you thinking any different of me, even If you didn't agree with my actions. I knew right from the beginning that you were someone who would help me get over and cope with my past. There was something about you that was different from anybody else I'd met. I know that's a very cliché line for any girl to say about the guy she likes, but it was entirely true. There had never been someone in my life who motivated me to do better like you did.
For the six months that we were together, I felt complete. It was almost like the missing piece to myself was returned and I could finally be whole again. Whenever I was around you, I did not care how I looked or what I wore, because either way, I knew that you would not care because you knew there was more to me than just a dress and perfect eyebrows.
As the flowers began to bloom and the air became warmer, we started spending more of our time together outdoors. Almost every weekend we would go on a hike or go enoing in a tree in the middle of no where. You introduced me to my favorite place to go hiking, and always let me have to AUX cord, no matter how horrible and outdated the songs I would play were. Being around you gave me a feeling of safety and completion that I had never felt before.
It was not until early summer did I start to feel a feeling of franticness. For me, those next few months were going to be vital because I knew they were the last months that I would have with you. I started to stress more over you and brought myself to conclusions faster than I should of. Jealousy has never been a very strong feeling in my life, but I really started to get to the point where I hated it if you were with another girl that was not me. Fights began happening more, and sometimes, we wouldn't talk for days because you'd be so mad at me. Once this started to happen, our relationship really went downhill from there. We would talk everyday, we went weeks without seeing other, although we were both at home. The final days of our relationship was filled with lies and sadness.
When we broke up, it completely destroyed me even though I knew it was coming. I had never felt a pain more apparent than this and the worst part about it was that you acted like you did not care. You immediately stopped talking to me, acting as if the last six months did not happen and acted as if you couldn't understand why I was so upset. I retreated back into the dark place that I was in a year ago because I had no other place to go to. Sadness and depression were more common feelings in myself than happiness and joy were.
A week or two went past and I had not heard a word from you. At this point I had become numb to how I felt. My feelings were resurfaced when I discovered that you were dating one of my friends, a person whom I had trusted and never imagined then to do such a thing to me. I was livid and wanted nothing more than bad things to happen to your relationship. When I would be out in public, people would ask me how I felt about you and her. It always irritated me when people would do that because it's really hard to ignore a situation when people are constantly talking about it.
Eventually, I confronted you and we got into an argument. We both said some mean and nasty things to each other and I regret it completely. I even wrote you a letter a month later, partly to apologize for my actions and wish you well and also just to bring myself the closure that I never got from you. There was a part of me that hoped you would respond, but I knew you would not. I know you much too well to know that you're not going to forgive me and respond to someone you hate. For me to accept this was very painful and difficult, but I did.
I eventually accepted the fact that we are over and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Although there are days where I miss our relationship and connection, I now understand that we are better off and happier in some ways.
