On my first day of high school, I tried to commit suicide. Emphasis on tried. The attempt itself was rash and a result of a hopelessness that seemed to seep into every aspect of my day. I remember waking up that morning and telling myself, "today will be different, high school will be different, and if it's not, then what's the point?"

As the day progressed, nothing changed. There was still a knot in my throat. There was still the feeling of carrying a mountain on my shoulders. In cartoons, they will depict a character with a rain cloud over their heads even though it's a sunny day. Sometimes, my depression felt like I had a cloud of darkness following me in the midst of a sunny life.

There was nothing "wrong" with my life. I had no reason to feel the way that I did, and knowing this made me feel guilty. I felt guilty for feeling depressed. I thought I would be doing those around me a favor if I could just stop being a burden, if I could just stop feeling these emotions. I was tired of being dragged down by the voices telling me I was worthless, telling me I was a burden, telling me the life of those around me would be better if I would just disappear.

There are people in my life that believe my attempt was a cry for attention. There are people in my life who think that my depression was not real. There are people in my life that think it was just a "phase."

Sometimes, it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea of someone not wanting to live. I think no one necessarily wants to die, they just want to stop living the life they wake up to every morning. I wanted to stop waking up in the morning and feeling like it was a nightmare. I wanted to stop waking up in the morning and feeling like my existence was dragging those around me down. I wanted to stop waking up in the morning and feeling like death would be the only way to find peace. I wanted to stop waking up in the morning and feeling guilty for wanting to die when so many were robbed of their ability to even wake up.

Countless therapists have told me, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Although I completely agree with them, I also understand that when someone is contemplating suicide it is because that "temporary problem" engulfs their entire existence. It feels like death is the only way out. It feels like that "temporary problem" will never go away, because it has been weighing down on their life for so long they forgot what living was like before it.

After my suicide attempt, I felt like a failure. I remember thinking I couldn't even kill myself right. Today, I thank God every day I failed at killing myself. I thank God for all of my failures. I found peace in the knowledge that I was beautifully made; I found peace in the knowledge that someone thought me worthy of dying for in order to ensure my salvation; I found peace in the knowledge that someone was crucified for me, so that I wouldn't have to crucify my body every time I self-harmed; I found peace in the knowledge that I was not alone; I found peace in the Word of God.

Suicide is not the answer. You are not alone. You are loved. Someone cares, and even when it feels like no one does, there are people who love you very much and who want you to get help. Seeking mental help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Do not feel guilty for feeling suicidal, you are not a burden. You have a purpose in this world. There is a reason life is in your lungs. There is a reason you woke up this morning. There is a reason you are reading this article. I know it is tiring to be strong for so long, but take it minute by minute. Sometimes recovery will feel like an endless uphill battle, but take moments to look back and see how far you have come.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace."

John 14:27

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-825