Dear Spotify Ads,
You'd think for a million dollar corporation, you could find more than three people to advertise on your app.
And if not for your already burgeoning pocketbook, then for my sanity. I'm tired of listening to the same seven ads over and over.
I'm starting to wonder if it's on purpose. That you play the same commercials over and over again so that people crack and buy Spotify Premium, just so that they never have to hear those ads again. That, or that you've cut a special deal with these three companies so that they get put in the forefront in advertising.
First, let's talk about all the "The Real Cost" ads - the nonprofit that tries to convince teens to not smoke. I'll give them credit - they're creative. The one with the Big Bad Wolf being unable to blow down the straw house because of his weakened lungs was pretty well made. But I don't appreciate them as much when they're jammed down my throat every time you guys manage to work in a commercial break. We get it - smoking's bad. Too bad the effort's wasted on me - who's never had a cigarette in her life - although I figure that smokers don't enjoy the constant reminder that smoking! Is! Bad! Either. Trust me, we know. Why do you think the Malboros are locked behind a glass door, a counter, and "WE CARD!" stickers?
Then there are the "Fasten" commercials. For those of you who don't know, Fasten is what we Austinites got as a consolation prize whenever Uber and Lyft left town. I hadn't heard of it before the ads started playing on Spotify, so I guess it kind of worked. But if the low ratings on Google weren't enough of a deterrent, the ads are. There's nothing worse than listening to a man growling in your ear (apparently saying the word "low," except dragged out) when you just want to listen to your playlist, except for when you've heard the ad a million times before. Step up your game, Fasten.
Finally, there are the Spotify commercials. There's something very meta about advertising on your own platform, but seeing as Facebook has expanded to actual television advertising, it's not so bad. The problem is that these commercials are both repetitive and unfunny. Take the one advertising their Top 40 playlist, for example:
(Random pop song plays. This changes from month to month, depending on what's hip.)
Girl 1: Don't you love this song?
Girl 2: I've never heard this song before.
Girl 1: (with horror!!!) You've never heard of this song before? Have you been living under a rock?
Boy: (in the background) What a loser!
Narrator: Don't risk losing all your friends. Follow Topsify Top 40 Hits now.
A perfectly justifiable reason to end a friendship, of course.
Then there are the bland commercials that try to convince you to make the plunge into the (ad-free) Spotify Premium. They usually involve a crowd cheering, some generic, probably royalty-free EDM music, and a lady telling you that "the party never stops" with Spotify Premium. You stopped my party to tell me this? Buzz off.
Look, Spotify Premium is obviously a step up from Spotify Free. With offline listening, no shuffling (!!!), and unlimited skips, it's been an investment that I've been considering. But with these ads? I just might take the plunge. So good game, Spotify. For all my complaining, you and your annoying ads won.